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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life?

yep- I have.  There have been some very dark times in my life.
The night after I met a boy who would make my life miserable to two years- that morning after that first night- when I had no idea how bad it would get.  Many many nights in between that night and the end of that relationship- I thought about it.  I couldn't ever do it- I would imagine the reaction from my parents, my friends- the pain, the hurt, the sorrow.
When I got sick and was going through chemo- I though about it.  I thought about how easy it would be to stop fighting.  To stop poisoning myself with drugs that were supposed to make me better.  I thought about how I could take the time to say my goodbyes and slip away.  I reached new levels of despair and depression while I went through treatments and doctors appointments.  I had days when I would call in sick to work and lock myself in my bedroom and cry and yell for hours at a time.  I just wanted to die at times.  I would watch the people that I loved watching me go through all of it- I would see the looks in their eyes, the fear, the concern, the pity and I would literally beg for the higher power to take me away from all of it- to end their suffering and mine.
All of that happened behind closed doors.  When no one else was around- there was only one person who knew the depths of those feelings- one person who I thought understood but in the end was lying about all of it.  My hubby and I went through a particularly rough patch during this time and actually separated for almost a year and half--- so not only was I feeling this way- but I was without my anchor and my rock.  He couldn't handle it- and I couldn't blame him for that- people have been ripped apart by lessor circumstances.  I had never felt so completely alone and I didn't see a reason to continue.
I did keep fighting, I did rely on friends and family for support, and today everything is good.  Health is good, hubby is awesome and I am content.  I am glad that I never gave up on life completely.  I would have missed out on an awful lot of good things!


  1. And I'm glad you kept fight too. This is very heartfelt to me as I went through it with my hubby. You are a strong woman and I'm so glad you see the beauty of living.

  2. I am glad you stayed to fight another day. You are my smile a day. You bring it Co - never forget that.

    Hugs and very much warm love.

  3. I have been where you have Col. There was a time Christmas of 08 when depression had it's grip on me so bad I wanted to leave this world. If it had not been for doctors, drugs & family I would not be typing this today. Sadly I am sure there are so many going through the same thing this Christmas & I hope they can find the help I did. We are both very blessed individuals girl. I am so glad I know you and the rest of my blog family.

  4. I am so glad that you kept in there fighting, Col. It must have been so hard for you at times, but look at you now! I'm so pleased that your hubby and you and in a good place right now. I know four people that have taken their own lives and, believe me, I've seen what it does to the ones they leave behind. Utter desolation.

  5. Thanks for dropping in on my blog. Your post really moved me. I don't think I've ever admitted it out loud but yes I've thought about it. But what stopped me was the complete destruction it would leave behind and the fact that the people I love really didn't deserve that. I'm so glad you kept fighting, there are so many good things to see.

  6. Thank you for sharing this colenic.
    I admire you so much, for your honesty and your will.