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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Today was supposed to make it better

Sitting alone at my house..
Hubby is off to another mason meeting.
We went to Boston today for another consult with another dr to figure out a treatment pln for hubby.
They found a tumor in his neck about seven weeks ago.
Benign...but not exactly sure what it ia.
This dr today gave us another type he thinks it is.
At the end of the day...I am told it doesn't matter..treatment is the same.
I am tryong...desperately...to put my faith in what they say.  Failing at the moment but still trying.
Radiation is the treatment.
Once a day for five to six weeks.
Luckily, in our home town...so no relocating to Boston for us.
And we wait. ..again...for another dr to get to us.
To do more tests to figure out where to localize the treatment.
Two steps forward today...which should make me feel better.
It doesn't...
I heard that the one person who means more to me than anyone in the world is going to have to go through hell. 
Sickness,  fatigue, sore throat, taste buds changing..
Figuring out that he is not invincible..
Having to say no...because he won't be up for it...
Fighting..not to make it go away but to make sure it doesnt get any bigger..
Dealing with the pain and symptoms that he has now for the rest of his life.
It was supposed to make me feel better to have answers...instead I feel completely useless and defeated.
I am sure I will differently tomorrow
There are good things that came out of today...
But right now...I just want to scream and cry...

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Saying goodbye

I haven't posted in  a while.   It has been a craptastic few months asked I am ready to put 2014 behind me. 
I haven't posted because I haven't had much positive to say.  
When I look back on this year there are mixed emotions. 
I feel at this point that there are more lows than highs and the rollercoaster got stuck in a perpetual free fall.
Not that there haven't been good points.   I had probably the best year career wise in the last ten years.   Lots was accomplished and I feel like for the first time people took me seriously.   Great things were accomplished and in more than one way work saved me this year.   Lots of challenges but many that I was in control of and it allowed me the one place where I was able to forget about everything else that went on. 
The last few months have seen the loss of one of my cats and some news about hubby ' s health yay have left me reeling.   He will be okay. .. but there are some challenges that we will need to face in the coming months.
Tonight,  we are staying in... just the two of us and hanging out.  Enjoying some peace and quiet after a whirlwind trip to South Carolina for Christmas and lots of family time.  
I have laid in bed many nights and composed blog posts in my head and never actually typed them out.  So many things to say and no desire to put it out there because it hasn't been happy or even coherent most of the time.  
As we close the chapter on another year tonight,  I am making a commitment to myself to be better at writing it out.   This helps me process and gets it out of my head.
I can't promise that it is going to
be happy..
I can't promise that I won't get mired in the seriousness of what is going on.
I can't promise that I am looking for the best parts of this right now. ..
But it will be real. .. and if you want to ride the rollercoaster you know I would love the company. .. but i wouldn't blame you for getting off the ride.
Please know that I think of you all often... and I read your words even when I dont comment.   My wish for you as we enter the new year is happiness,  love,  health and lots of laughter.   Be safe tonight if you are out celebrating and I will see you in 2015.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Best news ever

I haven't posted in forever.
I have no excuse except for life.
Today...I have an amazing reason to smile..
I needed to share.
My best friend..
Who has fought the battle of her life. .
Chemo..
Sickness
Tiredness
Beat it.
She found out today that she is cancer free and DONE WITH CHEMO
The breath we have all been holding was the strong breeze out there today as we let go today.
To paraphrase one of my other favorite people and fellow blogger
LIFE IS A GIFT. .SMILE OFTEN..LOVE ENDLESSLY AND CELEBRATE ALL THINGS...
Love and hugs to all of you

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Some goodbyes are just so hard to say

And yet we hug...
We squeeze extra hard
Bite your bottom lip.
Hold it together..
Not allowed to cry...
Not allowed to even think it...
Everything is fine...
I will see you next time...
Bite your bottom lip..
Keep holding it together...
Get in the car...
Try and make small talk...
Talk about silly little things with someone else...
Give her a big hug when you leave...
Bite your bottom lip...
Keep holding it together...
Check in...
The tears threaten...
Deep breath..
Bite your bottom lip...
Hold it all together...
Security..
Smile at the silly jokes...
Smile at the kids excited for their first disney trip...
The girls in front of you talking non-stop about this trip...
Best friends..two weeks before senior year starts heading off on some adventure of a life time...
One tears escapes and you bite your bottom lip harder...
Trying to keep it together....
Another deep breath....
Waiting to get home...
To his arms...
Who will hug me tight...
Who will understand all the unspoken thoughts...
And who will understand when I dont keep it together...

Friday, July 25, 2014

Patterns

It is amazing to me how much can change in a matter of six weeks....
People spout the saying all the time that things can change in a moment...
But have you ever lived that
Every moment of every day has the potential to alter the very universe ypu live in.
One moment, one decision makes a difference in the fabric of your life...
Some times a new pattern starts
Some times the pattern you have worked on so diligently starts to unravel...
You lose all of the work you have put in..
A new pattern will always start..just not the way you think it will...
What does the fabric look like when its done??
I am never sure that it truly finishes...I mean we are all so interwoven that when your fabric ends someone else's picks up...
While you get to choose who is interwoven into your fabric....you dont get to choose the patterns they create....so their pattern interwoven with your may clash...may make everything chaotic.....or it may compliment the pattern that is already being woven....

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Day one

I was laying on my back on an unfamiliar bed last night staring at the ceiling...
Contemplating my day...
Travel was early but easy..
Hubby drove to the airport...
Reminding me if I needed anything to tezt or call...
Walking out of the airport at my final destination...
Seeing her with no hair but her huge smile made me happy....and kinda sad....
Talking...all day...around the table...
Just like old times...but oddly not...
We talked about everything but cancer....
Which I expected...
When the subject was brought up someone else sitting at the table would change the subject...
We finally got some alone time...
It took a few minutes for her to open up....
She did open up just a bit....and it broke my heart just a bit...
She is hopeful this will all go away with these treatments...
She knows that it may not but is choosing the positive...which is good.
Today brings a doctors appointment...we will see....

Friday, July 18, 2014

Tired

It has been a very long week..
Performance reviews for the first time.  It was an interesting week...
I am also getting ready for my trip to Pittsburgh.   I am worried, nervous and a little bit terrified.  It will be okay I am sure of it...but...there have been some emotions that have snuck in this week that I need to be able to put aside until I get home..
I am worried that I wont be able to help..
I am worried that I won't be able to keep it together..
I am worried that it will be different...
Every moment thinking that it might be the last....
Every moment wondering if it is enough.
I know that getting on a plane to come home will be one of the hardest things to do....
It is okay that it will be emotional...and like it or not I have been there so hopefully it will at least be someone who kinda understands....
I am most worried that it will be the last time. .
Push it all away
Lock it up
Leave the key to that box here when I go...
I know it will be okay...
I know that it is what she needs...
I know I will find the strength.
But it would be a lie if I didnt recognize that I am worried....
A piece of my heart and soul belongs to her....it has since for twenty five years...
I just hope that its enough to give her the strength she needs..
I just hope that in a week I can make sure she has a shoulder to lean on...an ear to bend and an understanding of how much she means to me...