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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Some goodbyes are just so hard to say

And yet we hug...
We squeeze extra hard
Bite your bottom lip.
Hold it together..
Not allowed to cry...
Not allowed to even think it...
Everything is fine...
I will see you next time...
Bite your bottom lip..
Keep holding it together...
Get in the car...
Try and make small talk...
Talk about silly little things with someone else...
Give her a big hug when you leave...
Bite your bottom lip...
Keep holding it together...
Check in...
The tears threaten...
Deep breath..
Bite your bottom lip...
Hold it all together...
Security..
Smile at the silly jokes...
Smile at the kids excited for their first disney trip...
The girls in front of you talking non-stop about this trip...
Best friends..two weeks before senior year starts heading off on some adventure of a life time...
One tears escapes and you bite your bottom lip harder...
Trying to keep it together....
Another deep breath....
Waiting to get home...
To his arms...
Who will hug me tight...
Who will understand all the unspoken thoughts...
And who will understand when I dont keep it together...

Friday, July 25, 2014

Patterns

It is amazing to me how much can change in a matter of six weeks....
People spout the saying all the time that things can change in a moment...
But have you ever lived that
Every moment of every day has the potential to alter the very universe ypu live in.
One moment, one decision makes a difference in the fabric of your life...
Some times a new pattern starts
Some times the pattern you have worked on so diligently starts to unravel...
You lose all of the work you have put in..
A new pattern will always start..just not the way you think it will...
What does the fabric look like when its done??
I am never sure that it truly finishes...I mean we are all so interwoven that when your fabric ends someone else's picks up...
While you get to choose who is interwoven into your fabric....you dont get to choose the patterns they create....so their pattern interwoven with your may clash...may make everything chaotic.....or it may compliment the pattern that is already being woven....

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Day one

I was laying on my back on an unfamiliar bed last night staring at the ceiling...
Contemplating my day...
Travel was early but easy..
Hubby drove to the airport...
Reminding me if I needed anything to tezt or call...
Walking out of the airport at my final destination...
Seeing her with no hair but her huge smile made me happy....and kinda sad....
Talking...all day...around the table...
Just like old times...but oddly not...
We talked about everything but cancer....
Which I expected...
When the subject was brought up someone else sitting at the table would change the subject...
We finally got some alone time...
It took a few minutes for her to open up....
She did open up just a bit....and it broke my heart just a bit...
She is hopeful this will all go away with these treatments...
She knows that it may not but is choosing the positive...which is good.
Today brings a doctors appointment...we will see....

Friday, July 18, 2014

Tired

It has been a very long week..
Performance reviews for the first time.  It was an interesting week...
I am also getting ready for my trip to Pittsburgh.   I am worried, nervous and a little bit terrified.  It will be okay I am sure of it...but...there have been some emotions that have snuck in this week that I need to be able to put aside until I get home..
I am worried that I wont be able to help..
I am worried that I won't be able to keep it together..
I am worried that it will be different...
Every moment thinking that it might be the last....
Every moment wondering if it is enough.
I know that getting on a plane to come home will be one of the hardest things to do....
It is okay that it will be emotional...and like it or not I have been there so hopefully it will at least be someone who kinda understands....
I am most worried that it will be the last time. .
Push it all away
Lock it up
Leave the key to that box here when I go...
I know it will be okay...
I know that it is what she needs...
I know I will find the strength.
But it would be a lie if I didnt recognize that I am worried....
A piece of my heart and soul belongs to her....it has since for twenty five years...
I just hope that its enough to give her the strength she needs..
I just hope that in a week I can make sure she has a shoulder to lean on...an ear to bend and an understanding of how much she means to me...

Sunday, July 13, 2014

MIA

Has it really been two months since I last posted??? Time flies when you are....well, time just flies. 
I am not sure if anyone out there is even reading anymore...but just in case..
Things have just been crazy as normally happens during the summer.
Work is good.  Making some positive changes and people seem to be happy with what I am doing.  I will take it.
Hubby is good.  Mason stuff has wound down for the summer...so we see each other before eleven pm.  Always a good thing..
I went to Pittsburgh at the end of may and had an awesome time.  Got to see a bunch of friends and hang out.  I am heading back there in ten days for not so happy reasons.  My best friend was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. ..she is in the middle of chemo now..so going down to see what kind of support I can provide.  Not so good.

My parents were up for the fourth of july for a few days...it was awesome to see them.  Always nice to have them in my space.

Other than that, nothing wild and crazy....hope that your corners of the universe are good and that you are all enjoying the summer (or winter depending)...hugs to you all

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mothers day

I think of you often....
Today is always the worst though...
Some holiday I dont get to celebrate because I am not holding you..
Some club that I cant be a member of because it wasn't meant to be.
Most days....I know there was some reason that I will never understand..
Most days I can hope for some other place where you are looking down and be secure in that knowledge...
Today...on a day when we celebrate mothers....I wonder
I wonder if you would have blue eyes and blond hair or if ypu have your daddy's dark features...
I wonder if you would have slept through the night or if we could have cherished late night snuggles...
I wonder if you would be getting ready for your first dance recital or if we would be playing baseball..
I wonder what your nickname would be or how your smile would have lit up the room.
I wonder how your laugh would have sounded....
How tightly you would have hugged...
How would you get along with your cousins who bring so many smiles to my face and how would you have pronounced your aunts name...
Would you sing silly songs at bed time...or love to splash in the bath...
I wonder about the look on your daddy's face when you cling to him when you fall down..
Most of all...today and most days...I wonder what it would be like to hear you call me mommy.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Spring time??

I think we can officially say that spring is here... and thank goodness for that... The snow is melting...with the side effect of two feet of water in the basement.... The furnace isn't working cause it was under water...but at least it's not 20 degrees out... Hopefully we will get that sorted this week.. Work is good.... One of my people told me the other day that I was doing a good job....so that was unexpected and quite fantastic to here... Life at home is good... just booked my annual trip to Pittsburgh...can't wait to spend some time with some people that are necessary for me to see at this point in my life.. Another year older this week....which is a little crazy...but not too bad...I am taking friday off for some me time...I can't wait....Hopefully that will include a massage and maybe even a pedicure.. I have been tangling and finally finished a bag that I have been working on... All in all it's been a good couple of weeks..crazy busy at work and at home...but good crazy.. Hope all is well in your corners of the world!! Sending hugs and lots of love!