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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Pity party

Warning: This is a not something that will make you smile....I just don't have it in me tonight...

That's what I am having tonight...

I got the call from my drs office- the call that I was treading.  I had blood work done the other day to see if I ovulated this month.  This is kind of a last chance because my health insurance changes at the beginning of the year and I don't have coverage for infertility issues.
I didn't ovulate....
I cried when the nurse told me that....as i do every month...
I don't understand why my body won't do what it's supposed to do....why does this happen.  Am I being punished for something?  Does someone (whomever the higher power is up there) think that we shouldn't be parents???  I know what you are going to say....it will happen when the time is right...and god knows that I have certainly been able to gain some perspective on things as time goes by...but really...I give up.  I give up thinking that I will ever be able to tell people that we are pregnant, hold my baby in my arms minutes after it's born, have someone call me mommy, watch my husband be a daddy....
I don't think it's asking too much for this one thing to go right...to go the way we want it to.
I hate letting my husband down...I feel like my body is betraying me...I feel like I am somehow deemed not worthy enough to have a baby....that someone has decided that I shouldn't be able to have that joy and that experience in my life.
i am giving up hope....I am giving up this dream.  I will learn to live with the ache inside....I will learn to just be happy with being an aunt instead of a mom...I can't stand the disappointment anymore.


  1. Oh I am sooo sorry :( My heart is breaking for you. I don't know what to say, nothing would make it feel better anyway...

    I want to tell you to keep hope, and that it will happen... but I can see how upset you are. I can see "F*** Hope!" might be the response I would get... and I understand that.

    BUT you still can be a mother. You can adopt, or even have a surrogate? Are these things options for you???

    I'm sorry :( I really am so sorry you have to go through this. You are such a sweet and wise person, and would be a wonderful mother. Maybe WILL be a wonderful mother, even if it's not how you planned?

    Hugs. Tear filled, bone crushing tight hugs. :(

  2. I would never say any of those things Colenic.

    My heart absolutely breaks for you. I cannot even imagine. There is nothing "pity party" about this. I can only try and understand - if I could I would fix it. I swear.

    Don't you ever feel as though you are letting your husband down - you aren't. [I know, BET, he doesn't feel that way] NEVER doubt that you shouldn't be a Mom.

    I don't know what the future holds, but I am praying for you that it brings what you so richly deserve.

    Talk about putting life in perspective. Thank you Colenic - getting up the stairs tonight is going to be so much easier. You are going to be on my mind lovely.

    Love you. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

  3. Oh darling lady. My heart is breaking for you too. It is okay to be upset and angry. Grieve but dont give up hope. You husband will understand because he loves you and you two will support each other. Sending you a big hug and positive vibes.

  4. Nic...can I just send you about 10,000 hugs? I'm sorry you got this news. While its no help when you feel this way, everything we do in life is for a reason except we don't know it ahead of time. Your husband married YOU. Not the what if's. Don't dwell on the negatives. Be the best aunt you can be. Maybe there's foster kids that have never had a mother's love? People give babies up for adoption all over the world. Science is always coming up with new things. Who knows what the future holds. But relax and love yourself for who you are not what you can produce. Who knows...maybe relaxing will produce miracles. Please know you've got my support and so many others here. HugsXXXXXXX

  5. i'm so so sorry for this for you. i think of the hundreds of thousands of babies out there born to women who have no clue, who don't really want them, and who are terrible mothers - and then i think about people in your shoes who crave for that opportunity. my heart goes out to you and i know this is definitely one of those things that is just beyond my comprehension.

    i know that bad things happen to good people and that it's hard to feel like you're in that group. maybe "giving up" is exactly what you need to do. not in the sense that you just quit completely, but stress and trying so hard can put the body under attack and prevent the very thing you're trying to do. I know of so many couples who quit "trying" and just got back to the business of being married, applied to adopt, and ended up with two babies - the one they adopted and the one they gave birth to.

    my sister didn't ovulate and as part of the process of trying to figure it out, they did a laproscopic surgery and ran dye through her fallopian tubes. what ever the problem, the fluid flushed out the tubes and she went on to have three children. my daughter doesn't ovulate on a regular schedule either so we may be facing this same scenario in my own family - and i know that she desperately wants a baby.

    i'm praying that God will bless your family.

  6. Col, I really do feel for you and realize that you must be feeling gutted, but PLEASE don't think that you are letting anyone down. I was going to say exactly the same thing as Bouncin'Barb, which was also reiterated by Teresa. It might be a good thing if you can try to put it to the back of your mind, and just relax, and enjoy being an aunty. Being stressed is the worst possible thing for you at the moment. My cousin tried for a long time and then decided to adopt. Within twelve months, she was pregnant herself. The Dr said to her that it was because her body was relaxed and she wasn't worrying all the time about trying to get pregnant, so there REALLY is hope out there for you. I know it's easy for all of your blogger friends to try and console you, but we really are wanting the very best for you. Sending a big hug your way.

  7. I am so sorry. It's okay to be wounded by this. It's only natural to want to give up and just hurt but don't. You have your husband, your friends and hopefully, time.
    Like Thisisme, we have a dear friend who was so stressed about getting pregnant. She put so much pressure on herself, her husband and her life. When she redirected her energies to (for her) something else in life other than being a Mom, within a year her body had relaxed and she was pregnant. I'm not saying this will happen for you but you need to be kind to yourself. That is the medicine that heals the heart. Be good to you.
    I hope you don't mind my 2 cents worth. The Olde Bagg

  8. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you....a million times and more...
    I will accept every single hug and all of the "two cents" that you want to give me- all of you. I appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to write a note....I am still feeling down in the dumps about this...but thank you for everything!!

  9. Hope you don't mind my commenting on such a personal matter (I was blog-hopping), but I felt like I needed to...

    I am sorry for your disappointment, but never think it is you or that you are a let down. And I'm not saying that to cheer you up--I'm saying that as someone who can't have kids, either. I can get pregnant but miscarried every time. My husband now has a vasectomy.

    I once wanted so bad to have kids, and society places such emphasis on having them to be "complete". But I've learned over the years that--for me at least--not having kids has given my husband and I a chance to have a much different relationship than we would have had with kids. The focus is on each other, not a kid. We have more money by not having kids (don't be offended--I'm going somewhere with this!)...and with that not only can we do a lot of things other people just wish, but we have money to help others. Same for time....

    Which leads me to my biggest point: it took me a while, but I see now that not having kids has made me be a better me, who has taken a good hard look at herself and come to accept herself and realize I am still worthy and loved even if I can't have a child. Someone who, rather than making the world a better place for my child or through a child, tries to make the world a better place just for the heck of it and has the opportunities to do it. Not that people with children don't....I just have more time for it! I don't make a difference in one child's life--I make a difference in many people's.

    If you want to keep trying, or want to adopt--that's great and I wish you the best in it. I just wanted you to know that there are others out there who never did have a child, and whose lives are still complete. It took me a long time to accept that, and to learn that my self-worth isn't based on how well I perform to expectations...especially not baby-making ones! Like Barb said --your husband married *you*--love yourself for who you are, and the rest of the world will fall into place.

  10. hi.... I'm sorry about what you'r going through...but then, they say that the best things in life happen when you're least expecting it...In the meantime, please do not be disheartened and worry too much... *hug*