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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 6: Something I hope I never have to do

I hope that I never have to bury my husband.
He is my whole world and I honestly don't know what I would do without him.
He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my biggest tormentor :), my biggest supporter, my partner in everything we do.
He also has health issues that have landed him in the hospital twice in the last two years.  The first time he was working out of state and I got the phone call at work that they thought he had a heart attack.  I had no car because mine had chosen that morning to break down, no family anywhere close and a breakdown coming quickly, I clung to the people that I worked with who made arrangements for a rental car for me and got me directions to where he was.  I drove the longest two hours of my life- expecting the phone to ring- my inlaws were on there way down as well.  Getting in the hospital I just burst into tears when I saw him laying in the hospital bed, joking with the nurse.  He pulled me close and I never wanted to let go.  It wasn't a heart attack- they have no idea what it was.  But he came home two days later.  Was back to work in a week.  The second incident we were driving home with my mother in the car from my outpatient surgery on my eye.  His vision went black- he hit the guard rail and, without hitting anything else or being able to see, managed to pull the car off the highway.  He was in the hospital for 3 days on that one...the diagnosis- a mini stroke.  Lots of appointments later and a handful of medicine every day they are not really sure what's wrong with him.
It scares me to death to think that I might lose him.  I know that I would survive- but I don't know what I would do if I couldn't hear his voice every day.  If I couldn't pick up the phone, if I couldn't come home and know he was going to be here.  I hope that I never have to face that reality.


  1. I understand completely. SM is how I gauge my path. He is my north star. He is also the bane of my existence. What else is there to say we are lucky/cursed to love this deeply but I wouldn't have it any other way. And I have read here that you feel the same way. Great, very deep personal post. The Olde Bagg

  2. This goes without saying in our house which is exactly why I didn't write it out. I was afraid of jinxing us. Pooldad can make me at cranky at times, but I can just not imagine life without him.
    We are some darn lucky folks, aren't we? Nice post colenic.

  3. This was a great post. And I felt that way about my hubby too. I just couldn't picture my life without him. But somehow you go on. It's all the memories of him that get you through. That's why I always said never go to bed angry, never say hurtful things and most of all tell the other that you love them. I still hear these things and I've moved on but nothing will ever take that away from me.

  4. exactly why i skipped this post, too. as many health problems as ron has had - and as many times as i've actually saved his life when he was near death, i knew i just couldn't put it into words.

    we don't know when we'll take our last breaths or why God would choose that moment to call us home, so we have to be ever vigilant to let those around us know how much we love, care for, and apprciate them. i have, unfortunately, imagined my life without ron (it's something that is coming - sooner than later and we have to be prepared) but it's not something that i allow myself to dwell on or worry about.