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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 4: Something to forgive someone else for

This one was a tough one.  I try to forgive people.  People make mistakes...they do things that they aren't proud of and I try to put myself in their shoes and figure out why the actions were done and then forgive them for it.  There are only two people in my life that I haven't been able to forgive and I am not sure that I could ever forgive their actions.  One is too painful to write about...there are only a handful of people who know about it and I don't know that I could ever write about what happened.  The other, well she deserves forgiveness and I can't bring myself to forgive her- but I do feel sorry for her.
She is the sister of one of my closest friends (coincidently the one I wrote about having dinner with last week).  We became friends when we were both going through a cancer battle together.  It was a time in my life that I couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on- I didn't want to upset anyone with how I was really feeling about this horrid disease that was making me miserable.  She was there- she understood what it was like to go through chemo, drs appointments.  She understood that there were different thoughts going through my head that I couldn't burden anyone else with.  We spent a ton of time together.  I would go to her house on the weekends and we would watch movies, talk, and she was the only one who could truly understand because she was going through the same things.  Her disease took a turn for the worst one summer and I spent every available minute with her.  She started to talk about ending things.  She wasn't getting any better and never would.  We would have conversations for hours about when the quality of life wasn't good enough any more, when the battle wasn't worth fighting any more.  I met her at her house one summer weekend and she asked me to stay for the weekend.  We went out on Saturday for a full day of pampering- massages, facials, hair cuts etc.  At the end of the weekend, she looked at me and told me that this was it.  She had done her research and she was finished with this world.  I cried. We talked.  I knew how she felt but losing her was going to be like losing a part of me.  She asked for my help going through her stuff- I knew who was getting everything.  She gave me prized pieces of jewelry and we cried together.  I left that night, knowing that I would never see her again.  I did see her one last time- before she did anything just to give her a hug and tell her that I loved her.  I didn't know when it would happen, but I got the phone call from her sister- she told me that her sister had tried but someone found her and she was in the hospital.  I cried- knowing that the last place she wanted to be was in the hospital.  Her sister- who also knew what was happening- told me that she would keep me updated on her condition.  Later that night, I got a phone call- again from her sister asking me if she could pick me up.  I said of course- knowing that this was a hard time for her as well.  When she pulled into the driveway, she looked at me and said that she needed to tell me something.  Bracing myself, I nodded my head and then she dropped the bomb shell that I will never forget.  She lied.  None of it was true.  She was never sick.  She never had cancer.  I remember thinking that's not possible.  I would have known.  After all the time we spent together- there's no way that it had all been a lie.  We cried together- tried to figure out how it was even possible that this was the case.  Her poor sister, this dear dear friend of mine, was left to pick up the pieces.  This person- who I had poured my soul out too because I thought that she understood- was nothing more than a con, a fake, a liar.  I felt betrayed- putting it in simple terms.  Her sister said to me- she wants to see you, she wants to explain.  I shook my head and said that I never wanted to see her again.  I boxed up all the stuff that I could find and brought it to her sister.  She called me once- tried to explain- told me that her drs had lied to her, that she truly thought that she was sick.  I told her that was bull- she admitted that she lied and that she was sorry and that she needed her friends now more than ever.  I told her that wasn't possible and I hung up the phone.  I received a couple of emails from her and finally wrote her back and told her that I couldn't even think about her without feeling completely betrayed and that I wasn't going to talk to her again.  I haven't heard from her since- except through her sister who updates me occasionally.
I know that I should forgive her.  I know that I shouldn't have turned my back on her because she was a friend.  But I honestly felt and still feel that every part of our friendship was built on a lie.  She took something as awful as cancer,lied about it and used it to make me and others feel sorry for her.  I can't forgive her for that.  I wish that I was a strong enough person to forgive her for it, but I can't.  I do feel immensely sorry for her.  Had I met her after all of this charade was done, I probably could have been friends with her.  She is one of two people in this world who I really should forgive and I just can't.


  1. And I don't blame you one bit. That's a horrid thing to do. Yes I know there are people out there that do this. Munchhausen(?) Syndrome. The make themselves sick to gain attention. But I would still be pissed that I got caught up in the lie and let myself be fooled. That one's going to take time if at all! Thanks for sharing that.

  2. That's unbelievable what she did - crazy! And I would be really angry and upset if it had happened to me. I can only think that she WAS ill (mentally)in some sort of way, that she felt she had to act like that. It's a difficult one for sure, especially after all that you had shared together. Big Hug.

  3. I heard once that forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. And forgiving someone certainly doesn't mean you need to let them back into your life...I'm sorry for the betrayal you experienced and I hope that she has received help for her true illness...

  4. Oh my gosh...I don't blame you for not been able to forgive this girl. Betrayal is the word I think of here.

  5. My first thought is "Thank you for being you - and thank god that cancer didn't take you away." [Why did I not know this?

    I am so happy we have our Smile a Day, Co. So, so glad.

    As for what she did - I have no words. I had to read this three times to make sure I understood this correctly. I know people get misdiagnosed with a lot of things, but cancer? Terminal cancer? Impossible. I don't know who I feel sorrier for her family, her or you.

    She needs help, that is obvious. But you are smart to distance yourself from this person. You are too good a soul to get caught up in this.

  6. Thanks ladies!! Writing this challenge is actually kinda therapy.
    She does need help and I know that she has gotten some. I feel bad for her more than angry at her any more. I have made peace with what happened...but if I was asked if I forgave her for what happened, the answer is still no.

  7. People like her make my head hurt. How can people, human beings, seemly have no humanity in them? I don't blame you for not being able to forgive her-how could you? It would have been bad enough if she just plain was a con, but she broke your trust in your most vulnerable state and that is inexcusable. I agree with the above posters and am thankful you are still here. Your blog is a shining light of compassion and awesome :)
    Hed hed down under

  8. that is a terrible thing that she did and, as bad as i feel for how it made you feel - and how it had to make others feel - i feel incredible sadness and pity for her. to think that she thought her life was so empty and void of love and attention that she had to do this to get noticed and love is just incredibly sad.

    forgiveness is for your benefit but not forgiving someone keeps the pain inside and it can eat its way through your body just like a cancer. forgiveness doesn't mean that you open yourself to more opportunities to be betrayed (i say "you" in the generic form - loosely, not as a personal label). i believe that what she did made you stronger and increased your wisdom. i'm in no way trying to tell you what to do - just giving your food for thought to toss around.

    i'm glad that you are still here and that you are moving forward from this betrayal.