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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day 3: Something I have to forgive myself for

Wow...some heavy stuff.
This one is difficult for me.  I could answer this one with some fluff answer, but that's not really the point is it?  I have to forgive myself for hanging up the phone.  It was a long time ago and I will never forget the sound of her voice.  Desperate and pleading, asking for help.  I thought that I had helped.  I listened, she talked, yelled, screamed, cried, laughed.  I soothed, comforted, tried the very best that I could.  For hours, we talked.  For hours, I worried.  For hours, I tried to reassure her that she was loved, people needed her in their lives.  For hours, I listened.  As the sun was peeking up through the clouds, she said she was fine.  She said that she would get help.  She said that she wouldn't do anything.  I told her I loved her.  I told her if she felt this way again to call back.  She assured me she was okay.  She told me that she loved me and she promised me that she wouldn't do anything.  I hung up,  I fell asleep, with the phone next to me, just in case she needed me, just in case she called back.  My phone rang, jolting me out of a sleep, it was only four hours later.  I picked up with a sense of dread. I listened- I went numb- what do you mean?  She promised...promised she would call...promised she was okay..promised...promised...promised.  Crying, yelling, tears- no laughter in this call.  Just sadness- all encompassing sadness.  I didn't go back for the funeral- I couldn't face her parents, her family- they knew that I was the last one to talk to her. I heard the begging and the pleading in their voices for one little thing that could have been done differently.  I listened as her mother yelled and cried over the phone that there had to have been something that could have been done.  Emails and questions abound and I didn't have any answers.  I was a coward and couldn't face them in person.  Couldn't look them in the eyes and see them searching my face for an answer.  I was a coward and stayed, isolated, in my dorm room, isolated, left to myself to replay over and over and over again the conversation, the last few minutes of ever hearing her voice.  I went down to the beach alone on the day of her funeral.  I yelled and cried and asked why. I wanted an answer just like everyone else, an answer that would explain, an answer that would make it make sense- the only person who could give it to me was gone- taking her own life and with it pieces of others lives.   I couldn't bear to think of what would have happened if I didn't hang up...maybe another few minutes, maybe an hour would have made a difference- maybe it wouldn't have- I will never know because I hung up.
Years later- I know this wasn't my fault- I know that there was probably nothing I could have done differently- but there is part of me- that still wonders, still worries, still feels guilty for hanging up the phone.


  1. Oh my goodness col...this is so sad. I know you know, but I think it bears repeating - She told you she was fine, she said she wouldn't do anything - you couldn't have stopped her. People that truly want to harm themselves are going to do it regardless - this is not your fault. You were so young. I am sorry sweetheart. ::Hugs::

  2. Gosh, that certainly is something to think about Colenic. It must have been an horrendous situation for you to find yourself in. I think most of us realize in our hearts that if someone is intent on taking their own life, they will do it. If not then, then at some later time. I have known three people that have taken their own lives, and I know just what it does to their loved ones that they leave behind. Again, I use the word "horrendous" because that surely is what it is. I really feel for you being involved as you were. I think there isn't one of us who would think "what if...."

  3. Colenic...A grief counselor who was brought into a job I had because a 21 year old killed herself. He said the following and it always stuck with me. "People who commit suicide are just plain selfish". They don't care about anyone else around them. It's only about themselves. As harsh as that is, it makes sense to me. It's like a final F**k You! She was selfish enough to leave you thinking that you could have done something. Selfish enough to leave you feeling this weight years later. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. You get extra hugs today!! XXXXXXX Barb

  4. I don't go into a lot of details in my "Down Under" blog, but my other blog has dealt with the dark underbelly of myself. I've had many talks with my mom as the one you had with your friend-times where I've told her I can't do it anymore, that she would be less stressed if I just died, that it wasn't her fault. Coming from the other side of the coin, I have to tell you that you couldn't have done anything, and what you did do was right-you probably gave her peace and clarity-but her mind was made up and it was far beyond what anyone could say, sadly. I admire you for posting this; I hope it gave you some sense of closure. Hed hed down under

  5. Thanks ladies!! I appreciate all of the support....this one was a tough one and I didn't realize that there was still so much emotion behind it. I know in my heart that she is happier where she is and I can't imagine the pain that she felt that would have driven her to that act. Thank you all for your thoughts today...

  6. I can totally relate to your post. I had nearly the same conversation with my sister the night before she took her own life. She was fine - she knew everyone was worried about her but she wasn't going to do anything stupid. Thing is - the only person it didn't sound stupid to was her. She can throat, larnyx, and lung cancer - and probably in her brain as well. She wasn't thinking clearly but she left us all with many questions that none of us can answer.