there's truth behind every 'just kidding', curiosity behind every 'just wondering', knowledge behind every 'I don't know' and emotion behind every 'I don't care


No idea who said this.  One of my friends had this posted as their facebook status the other day and I completely agree with this statement. 
I am in a slump.  I wake up every morning, get ready for work, make coffee, drive to work, work all day, drive home, cook dinner, watch tv or do homework and go to bed, sleep for a few hours, toss and turn, sleep for another hour, lather rinse and repeat.
I don't know if it's just "this time of year" or just feeling ambivalent about things, but I am in desperate need of something to shake things up a bit.  I usually feel this way at the end of the year as it's dark out all the time (or at least what I get to see of the day driving to and from work). 
Work is crazy and long...but a project is finishing up so hopefully the late nights will be cut back to one a week starting next week.  
To top everything all off, we need to decide what we are doing about the follow up with the fertility clinic.  My health insurance changes at the beginning of next year and it doesn't cover any treatments so if we start now, we will either not be able to finish it or pay for it out of pocket. So, that's a pretty huge decision we are trying to make.
Not exactly oozing positivity and rainbows tonight.  
Your blogs bring smiles to my faces on a regular basis and I love reading everything that's going on in your lives....so thank you allowing me to witness your lives...

Post Thanksgiving Post

We got home earlyish today....after finally going to the grocery store.
This weekend was pretty good.  We braved the crowds twice on Friday...once at midnight and one around one pm.  Didn't get nearly as much as I wanted to get but at least it is a start.  Now I can finish up most of it online and not feel like I didn't go shopping...
The kids were pretty fantastic this weekend- they definitely make it worth being up there.  The hugs, the unexpected snuggles, the fast talking oh-my-goodness-you-need-to-hear-all-about-my-day.  They love to play board games so we did that for a while last night.
We also had the first snow of the season this weekend.  It snowed sometime between 4am on Friday and 8am when I got up.  Just enough to make it a little sloppy- but by the time we headed into town it wasn't bad.  We didn't even buy that much.
That's all I got today.  I am tired and need to do homework...hope that your weekends made you smile!

Special Thanksgiving list

Today was full of smiles....being around the kids always brings out extra ones
Them wanting to "touch" the turkey before we cooked it
A very serious discussion about why we eat turkey with a three year old
Champagne before noon
Picking up a jewelry order
Yummy dinner with all the fixings...
Bribing the kids with a dollar to try cranberry sauce...they did and they liked it!
Sitting on the couch trying to get homework done and the little one throws his arms around my neck and gives me a kiss- just wanted to say I love you Auntie
Yummy chocolate pie
homework is done for tonight
Football on TV
Actually enjoying the holiday with my inlaws, only getting teary once cause I wasn't with my family
The oldest nephew not wanting to go to bed cause we are here....promises that we will be here all weekend have been going on for the last hour
Separating myself from the fray to finish my homework (and write this blog post) and the oldest nephew coming in to show me his etch a sketch mazes
Planning a shopping trip out tonight to go start shopping for Christmas....my sister in law and I are going to start in about two hours till probably about 3am...then come back and crash for a little while.
The only downside....I forgot to bring my camera with me...but the memories will still be there...
plus my nephew grabbed my sister in laws camera- so I am sure it will be interesting to see how he captured this holiday!!
Hugs to you all!

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is a day to be thankful....for all of the blessings.
A day to slow down and realize the good things that have happened and be grateful for them.
There are many blessings in my life that I am grateful for everyday..
My wonderful hubby
My family
My friends
A good job
a roof over my head
The ability to recognize that things aren't always going to go the way you want them to but there is a reason that they happen...and eventually, you will figure that out and be thankful for it.
I am sitting in my inlaws living room listening to the banter that goes back and forth every Thanksgiving, the memories being shared, the laughter being remembered, the people who are no longer with us being talked about.
I am truly blessed in my life, and while I may get caught up in the every day drudgery of it sometimes, I try to take a minute and remember every day.
I am remembering some special people in my life who have passed today and am grateful for the lessons they were able to teach me while they were with us and know that they are looking down, watching and guiding my path.
You all out in blogland are new blessings that I am thankful for this year.  Your comments, stories, support and lives that you share on this anonymous source make me smile, make me laugh, and make me realize that the world is wide, the experiences varied and that it is possible to write something down, have virtual friends read it and give feedback.  I am grateful for having "met" all of you and sharing in your lives.
Thank you for reading, for giving me something I didn't even realize I needed.
Count your blessings today, enjoy every single moment and appreciate the things that make you smile!! I'll be back later...

Thanksgiving

I am up insanely early this morning.  I am not really sure why but figured I would write a quick post.  After work tonight we are headed up to my inlaws for Thanksgiving.  They live about 2 hours north (we are hoping for no snow) so it will be late when we get there.
Tomorrow will be a day of cooking, football, entertaining kids and eating.  We have two meals tomorrow- one at hubby's grandmother's and the other at my mother in laws house.
We alternate holidays between my parents and his because they live in opposite directions.  I HATE not being with my family on a holiday.  Christmas is always harder than Thanksgiving, but I still hate it.  After ten years of marriage, I still feel like an outsider when it comes to hubby's mom.  She really just doesn't like me- and no I am not exaggerating, she's told me that.  So it's tough going up there for holidays, knowing that I am not with my family.  However....the kids make me laugh, I love when we get up there and they realize that we are there and come running into the room to say hi, launching themselves at you with the full force of their bodies behind the hugs.  I love that my sister in law and I are like sisters....except most of the time we don't fight...
I love that it makes my hubby happy to be there.  So I suck it up...ignore a lot of comments and concentrate on what's really important.....the time that we get to spend with family, the laughter, the conversations, the board games, the football games, the food....all those things that I have to be thankful for this year and every year.

Today was another long day....had fun at work today...we laughed and laughed...
Hubby was cute today..he's off this week.  He must have called me fifteen times today to check in on different stuff...made me smile..
That's all I got today...gonna call it an early night...promise a real post soon...
hope that all my American friends are enjoying the preparation for Thanksgiving....the grocery store was a mess today!!

Exhausting Monday

Yep..it's Monday....it's almost over...thank goodness.
However...my very first call this morning cracked me right up.
Some highlights:
1) The man sang to me- a song by someone (I don't remember whom)- using nikki as my name- I HATE the name nikki...you would think having told him that I haven't been called that since I was about ten would have clued him in- but nope- every other word out of his mouth was nikki
2) Being sworn to secrecy that I wouldn't tell the National Republican Committee that he used to be a heavy metal singer in germany because they gave him an award
3) another song that I don't remember being sung to me
4) A thirty minute (mind you my average call length is three minutes) diatribe about how no one is trying to keep "his" people down and the "others" needed to stop hating and start understanding that it's not their fault.

I don't think i am going to get an account out of him- but man he was fun...
The leftover crazy from the full moon was out in full force today!

Google image search

Awesome day yesterday

Friends of ours from college came up yesterday for the day...we caught up...laughed a lot and had the best time...Hubby could barely get a word in edgewise...

We had the most amazingly, well paced, delicious lunch.

Three hours to each an amazing meal is a luxury that we don't have very often in our business schedules but this was an awesome awesome lunch.

It is an amazing thing to catch up with old friends, who you don't see often enough....and yet we got together yesterday and just talked and talked and talked.  We laughed a ton....we cried a little...and just generally had the best time!

Just the girls...

Pucker up buttercup

Baked mushrooms with seafood dressing

The best spinach and artichoke dip

Surf and turf

Twin lobsters

She's excited about the lobster

The end result

Rachel kissing the buffalo

Seriously the best day in a long long time....

The longest week ever...

and now it is over..
First of all- thanks for all your comments on my post yesterday....100 blog posts...I can't believe it...even more amazing is that there are actually people who are reading the posts.  You guys are the best....it always makes me excited when I get an email that someone has left a comment.  When new people leave a comment it makes me smile cause I know that there is someone else out there who is reading what I have to write....
Today was an extremely long day....longer than I planned at work and my house is in no shape for the company we have coming tomorrow....but I am excited to see some good friends tomorrow.  They are coming up for the day..hopefully not too early so that i can get this house into shape for company to come and see us...but this is the first time they are coming so I will get to show off the house, which is always fun.  Not sure what else we are going to do while they are here but guarantees some good girl talk and just hanging out enjoying each others' company.
Sunday will be a day of catch up...grocery shopping and making some homemade cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving and then a short week at work and to the inlaws for the weekend.  I think that hubby is going up there on Monday for some time in the woods...he will come back down on Weds. to pick me up and we will head up there when I get out of work.  I am actually pretty excited about four whole days off.  I am hoping to be able to convince someone to go shopping with me early on Friday and maybe (just hoping) that we will get a christmas tree this weekend....we will see....
I hope that you are all doing well in your corners of the world....and that this is an extraordinary weekend for you all!!

Thursdays List- Special 100th post edition

This is my 100th post- only took most of the year to get there!!
So for today's list- I am going to list 100 things that make me smile- some you may have heard before some are probably new

1. My hubby- who is always a constant in my life- and makes me smile everyday to know how truly blessed I am to have him as a partner in life
2. Good friends who are always there- no matter what- no matter when I need them
3. My parents who have always been there to support me- no matter what's going on and who I realize now more than ever have always pushed me to do my best and wanted what's in my best interest- even when I fought them every step of the way
4. Daily phone calls with my aunt- whom I can talk to about ANYTHING and who just listens- if I miss one it throws my whole day off
5. My kitties who are like my kids
6. A roof over my head- no matter what we need to do to the house- I am grateful that we are able to have something of our own- headaches and all
7. My coworkers who I spend more time with than almost anyone else in my life- they are always good for a smile, a laugh, a strict talking to and an ear when I need it- and they are an extremely driven, motivated group that make me want to do better.
8. The sunshine in the morning on a crisp day
9. My fellow bloggers that I have met through out this year and before- you guys are the best!
10. My niece and nephews- they are the best, cutest, most adorable kids (i'm a little biased admittedly) but they bring constant smiles to my face
11. Listening to the rain on the roof while I am snuggled in bed with my kitties
12. Phone calls from a friend who i haven't talked to in ages that last for two hours or more
13. Going on a date with my hubby
14. A package waiting at the door
15. A good grade on a paper
16. Watching the sunrise
17. Waterfalls
18. the sound of children laughing
19. A bubble bath
20. Laughing so hard you start crying
21. A sister in law who is like your sister and is always up for anything
22. Planning a party
23. taking pictures
24. decorating someone's cubicle at work for their birthday- and watching their eyes light up when they come in
25. Stuffed animals to snuggle with
26. the ease of sending an email to connect with people
27. Phone calls with my grandmothers that last for hours
28. A new pen
29. No plans on a weekend after being right out straight for several weekends in a row
30. Signs from those who have passed that let you know that they are still right there with you
31. Allowing myself an hour a week to just zone out and relax
32. A good song playing really loud on the rare times that the radio is on
33. The smell of new paint
34. A simple change of kitchen hardware making a huge difference
35. A good cup of coffee
36. Anticipation of a friend's visit
37. Driving for hours by myself
38. Facebook and reconnecting with old friends
39. Yummy lemon smelling lotion
40. The bring red color of apple jelly made my me for the first time
41. Sharing a meal that I cooked with good friends
42. Getting lost in a book for a couple of hours
43. Sitting in a dark theatre after a show is over and feeling the energy reverbarate around the room
44. Hanging out with my brother drinking coffee and just talking about everything
45. Sitting on the beach on a cloudy day letting the wind whip through your hair
46. Laying in the grass in a dark field watching for shooting stars with a thermos of hot chocolate between you
47. The silence of a library
48. The smell of homemade bread cooking
49. Someone asking how you are- and actually wanting to hear the reason
50. random text messages saying I'm thinking of you and I love ya
51. The smell of the first snow
52. The first flower you notice in the spring- often poking through the snow
53. Sitting around a campfire, roasting marshmallows and drinking beer
54. Feeling his arms around me, calming me down from a nightmare when he's barely awake
55. Crossing something off your bucket list
56. Road trips with friends
57. Fortunes from fortune cookies that speak to you so much, you need to hang them up in a place where you can look at them often
58. Real mail- not a bill- waiting when you get home from work
59. Watching a child blow the dandelion whiskers off and not caring that there will be more dandelions in your yard because you will look at them and remember the look of pure wonder in their eyes
60. A cup of tea in a friends garden
61. Knowing, deep down, that it's going to be okay- no matter what is going on- it's going to be okay
62. Lighting a new candle for the first time
63. Coming home to dinner cooked and the house cleaned up
64. Sitting in an airport, waiting to board a plane- whether coming or going- and knowing that adventures await for you
65. Chocolate
66. Seeing something that reminds you of your hometown- the one you grew up, think of fondly and know that you would never go back there for longer than a visit.
67. Going to an aquarium
68. Looking through my passport and seeing all the places that I have been- and knowing that I have been very very lucky
69. Watching a child put on chapstick
70. Sitting in a park, with a book, people watching
71. Picnic lunches
72. When someone hugs you- and it's a real hug- one of those hugs that you feel wrapped in their arms and loved
73. The first ice cream cone of the season- peppermint with chocolate sprinkles
74. Fresh veggies
75. People who you never thought you'd grow close with becoming the closest friends you've got
76. Knowing that no matter what..my current boss has my back
77. Laughing so hard you cry
78. Crying so hard you laugh
79. The smell of a new baby, the way they snuggle right into your arms...and being able to give them to mom when they start crying  or need a diaper changed
80. Crisp cold water to drink
81. The unexpected smell of leaves burning outside while I am driving.
82. A tart raspberry margarita(s) in the rocks with sugar- not salt
83. The smell of clean laundry
84. New shoes
85. A fun pair of earrings
86. Holiday sparkle- you know how everything looks all sparkly this time of year- gold and silver accents, being able to wear something a bit glitzy to all the holiday parties- love it!!
87. Spending a day with the girls- complete with frivolous shopping, lunch, lots and lots of laughter and giggling at silly things
88. Free makeovers at the makeup counter at the mall
89. The smell of suntan lotion after a long day at the beach
90. Figuring out how to manipulate furniture to fit in a room just right.
91. Conversations about nothing and everything all at the same time
92. Finding pieces of sea glass on the beach
93. Midnight movie showings when you don't have to work the next day
94. Random love notes in your lunch box
95. The perfect picture you weren't even trying to take
96. Playing on a playground
97. A perfectly sharpened pencil
98. Finding retro owls at thrift stores to help decorate my house
99. Being recognized for work that you have done well
100. Knowing that no matter what you are going through, some day you will be able to look at it with perspective and know that you were able to learn from it and it has become part of who you are.

There are so many things in my life that make me smile everyday and this blog has really helped me to focus on those, instead of all the negatives.
hugs and love to you all!!

Day 15: Someone or something I couldn't live with out

I couldn't live without many people in my life.  My hubby, my mom, my dad etc. but if you've been reading, you already know that :)
One thing I couldn't live without...my camera.
I have been through several different cameras in the past few years, and honestly I am not picky about what camera I have (although I have been drooling for some time over the Cannon digital SLR's).
I love having a camera with me- and I do at all times.  I have one that fits in my purse and I carry it with me always.  You never know when you will pass something that you want to take a picture of.  I take pictures constantly.   A portion of them are good pictures...most of them aren't.
To capture a moment- whether it be the kids laughing, the fall leaves, the sunset, the sunrise, a building or animal is an amazing task.

Finding and capturing a shot can take planning or can be presented right in front of you.  I am the one who is always trying to get that different angle- different picture.  It allows me an outlet for my creativity that I desperately need- .  I wouldn't ever live without my camera....and I am glad that I am able to document the details in my life..

YAY!!

My treadmill is all put together...well mostly...
We haven't plugged it in yet but it's almost ready..
Work has been insane again and I have had another headache that just won't quit.
I realized something about my relationship with my hubby tonight that I hadn't really noticed before.  We have had some tense situations lately.  We had to bring in a freezer that was just a bit too big last night to fit through the door and the treadmill definitely provided some tense moments of frustration.  In the past, we would have gotten really angry with each other....yelled, let out the frustrations on each other and ended up not talking....this week- we were smiling at each other despite our frustrations....This amazes me because there was definitely a pattern in our relationship.
So this is what makes me smile today.  And makes me feel like our relationship is continuing to grow and get better every day!

Day 14: A Hero who has let you down

Another tough one.
Is there someone who I have considered a hero in my life??  There are people that I have looked up to- there are people who I have held to a higher standard absolutely.  Does that make them a hero?? I don't know.
One person who I looked up to and who I had the utmost respect for let me down worse than anyone else in my life.   She had great ideas, she was a go getter, she wanted to make a difference in the lives of these kids.  She was one of them who had made good for herself.  She was going to change the world and make the lives of these kids better.  When you were on her good side, you were golden.  But she could flip on a dime and when you were on her bad side- you not only knew it- but you were punished for it.  As long as she needed you around, you were okay but the minute you questioned or tried something knew you were in for it.  Silent treatment, confrontations about the smallest things, no support with anything.  It was a tough work environment, but I always felt worse for the girls.  They truly looked up to her and tried to make her happy.  Once they were on her bad side, we knew it was only a matter of time before they left.  Trying to give them a steady environment where they could grow was sometimes tough.  She had such great ideas and a great team of people working with her.  We were a solid group of coworkers and all of us wanted to see the place be successful- we would throw around ideas, programs, etc and it was really good- until it wasn't anymore.  When I left, I felt like a piece of my soul stayed there.  When I get together with some of the people that I worked with from that place, we talk about the fact that it's almost PTSD from being there.  This individual, I looked up to her and believed 100% in what she was doing.  I poured my heart and soul into my job and it has taken me a long time to get parts of those back.  She, incidentally, has since left that line of work and was arrested for prostitution.

A blog award...

Thanks to Barb over at This and That for this awesome award.  If you haven't read her yet, you definitely should- she's has an intoxicating way of describing life- you really feel like you are in her world when she writes.  Plus she's an awesome blog pal...always has great insight and comments!! Minx over at Dribble created this award...you should totally go check her out too....awesome reads!!
The first rule: list 5 indulgences that I love.
1) Upgrading to first class on a plane flight.  I will use any opportunity that I can to do this.  First class tickets are insanely expensive, but we have upgraded last minute on several different occasions and it is fantastic.  We flew home from germany a couple of years ago first class and it was amazing.  My husband, who hates to fly, even enjoyed the flight.  Nothing like being pampered on a plane- absolutely nothing.
2) This blog is an indulgence of mine- and a great one.  I love writing this blog and although I often need to make time and schedule posts ahead of time I love it.
3) Starbucks coffee.  I don't get it very often, but there is nothing like going to Starbucks and sipping a cup of their coffee.  Stopping for five minutes to really savor that first sip before continuing on with me day...heaven!
4) Getting lost in a big city.  There is nothing I enjoy more than going to boston, new york, DC and just wandering around the city.  Getting lost in the aninimity that you have in the hustle and bustle of the city.  Taking pictures of what you see, people watching and knowing that you are more than likely not going to run into someone randomly that you know.  Being in the middle of the lights in Time Square standing on the street corner with hundreds of other people and stepping en masse into the street when the lights turn green, waiting on a bus or train at South Station in Boston, stepping into a museum in DC and getting lost in the exhibits, entering Notre Dame while mass is being held and feeling the history. 
5) Sitting on a beach, at sunset, with the wind whipping through your hair, all alone, staring at the water, watching the waves, the boats being pulled out of the water, listening to the sounds of the voices of the past being carried on the wind, meditating, concentrating on the noises and my breath- that is one of the best indulgences- and it's free.

The other rule is to pass this award along to 3 people:
Skippy over at I Make Soap- this is the blog that I have been reading the longest and she is one of the most genuine people that I know.  If you haven;t read her yet (which I am sure most of you have because that's how I found you) you should definitely check her out!

Tina over at My Day- She is an inspiration to me.  She, like so many of us, is struggling with weight loss and her blog is an honest depiction of her struggles.  She writes about everything going on in her life and doesn't sugar coat- her blog is an awesome read.

Linda over at Olde Baggs 'n Stuft Shirts. She writes about anything and everything and has an amazing humor that has me laughing out loud in the mornings. She has a serious side to her as well and the topics she writes about are varied and always promise a good read!

So that's it- life is a little crazy right now (shocking) and I am behind (again) on commenting.  I am reading and know that you all provide me with many many smiles through out the day...if you want to share...what's making you smile today??

Day 13: A band or music that has gotten you through tough times

There aren't any.  There I said it.  I don't listen to music often- if ever.
I know that's strange.
I have an mp3 player that is currently M I A.  I have no idea where it is.  I load songs on to it every six months or so and i only listen to it at the gym.  I don't listen to the radio very often cause I am always on the phone when I am in my car.
I love theater and I love to sing....but music- doesn't hold a huge place in my life.
I have tried and I have failed at making this a release for me.
Give me a book and I can get lost in the world the author creates.
Give me a camera and I will get lost behind the lens
Give me a computer game like solitaire- I will be lost for hours
I love music- I play it loud when I clean the house- I sing along to whatever happens to be on the radio on the rare occasions I turn it on.  I sing karaoke occasionally when I am in a bar that's offering it.  I can sing show tunes from all of the shows I have ever worked on and know the Rent soundtrack by heart.
But it isn't something that is necessary to feed my soul.

Day 12: Something someone never compliments you on

People never compliment me on......I don't know.  I don't look for compliments on very many things.  I work hard and I play hard and if someone notices that's great...but I don't do things for other people to notice....I do them for myself.
So here are some things that no one would ever compliment me on:
My housecleaning skills- because they are not good.  My house is in a perpetual state of disarray and I am okay with that.  Given two hours I would much rather go take pictures, read a book, get a root canal than clean my house.  I have a two hour rule- people need to call me at least two hours before they come to my house.  Why? Because in two hours I can make it look like two adults live in this house as opposed to a bunch of college kids!
My wardrobe- I love to shop.  Really do...love to put together outfits but I literally spend ten minutes in the morning before I walk out of the door to go to work getting ready.  I don't wear makeup- I have only done my hair this week because this new cut is so easy- and I very rarely wear jewelry.  I have a ton of jewelry- pieces that my hubby has picked out for me and stuff that I have made...I just never wear it.  It's so bad that people will ask me if I have a job interview on the rare occasions that I put on makeup and put on a pair of earrings...I need to get better at this!
Planning ahead- I don't plan ahead- I like to think that I can still fly by the seat of my pants- a weekend trip someplace sure, a visit with a friend tomorrow I'll be there. But a dinner date in two weeks- forget it.  I have a calendar on my phone that acts as my planner and most of the time, that's not completed.  Homework due- it will be done the night of- not before.  I thought that with age this would get better- but it really doesn't.  if anything it has gotten worse.  I rebel against planning and structure.  I want to be able to just go and do- unfortunately that's not always possible- and it certainly doesn't work for my friends that have kids.  I am working on it.
Patience- I am not a patient person- at all.  I can fake this pretty well- but really, I am not good at it.  I hate it when things don't go the way that I plan- I hate it when I have to wait on someone else to get things done.  I am a big supporter of the fact that most of the time, it's easier to just do it myself.  In most situations at work I can fake patience with some degree of success- but at home forget it.  I want it done, don't care what you need to do to make it happen.
So while I may not get compliments on these things, I certainly don't deserve to get compliments on them either :)

Day 11: Something people compliment you on the most

My creativity.  I am the first person that someone will call if they have a party, a wedding or an event that people need to have planned on a budget.  I am able to take a hall and turn it into a beautiful wedding with less money than most people spend on a dress.  I am able to pull together a party for a birthday or an anniversary that everyone will remember.

A perfect example of this was my cousin's wedding a few years ago.  She wanted to get married and there was only about $2000 to spend.  And that was on everything.  I was able to turn the gun club that she has it in into a relaxed beachy themed space with a lot of work and a lot of creativity.  Shell shaped salt and pepper shakers were turned into favors, the dollar store was the place to go, my family pitched in and cooked and baked and we served a full meal for 200 people. My mom made the wedding cake and I did all of the flowers and took all of the pictures.  The ceremony was held on the beach and the weather was gorgeous.  My aunt and my friends cooked and served food, the flow of the reception was good and the pictures came out awesome.  It was a day that she will always remember and I was happy to be able to provide that for her.  

When my other cousin decided to get married at my grandparents house, I had a week to plan.  Again the dollar store provided many of the pieces and we were able to put together something classy, low key and pretty.  

The best part is that I love doing it.  I love the challenge...I love the ability to be creative and I love seeing the happy faces, the smiles and the pictures of everyone having a good time.  My sister in law and I often do these together...and we are quite the pair.  We bounce ideas off each other, try to stay within a budget and you can very often see us up to our elbows in hot glue and candles trying to make things look just right.  Someday, the two of us will go into business together....specializing in parties on a budget.  We work well together and both of us come up with some crazy ideas that we bounce off each other, help each other out and are alway willing to just try something new.  

A wedding in a week, a birthday party that will never be forgotten...just give me a minute and I'll figure it out for you!

Awesome day today..

first...I want to thank each and every one of you.....the responses that you gave me to my post last night were amazingly supportive....I really use my blog at times to just let out what I am thinking....many people in my "everyday" life don't know about what's going on or how it's affecting me so being able to let it all out here is an amazing gift....one that I am thankful for...So thank each and everyone of you for your kind words...
Today was an awesome day....my nephews birthday party was today...and it was great fun...the kids had a blast...listening to the yelling, screaming, laughing and general chaos that occurs when you have ten children under the age of eight together was just what the dr. ordered.  the party decorations came out great and everyone had a good time.  There were four children giggling and pretending to sleep when i left there tonight....I remember that first sleep over...the anxiety of leaving your parents, the wonder of staying up late....sleeping in a tent and wondering how loud you could be without waking up the parents...so much fun...and i promise pictures this week....
hugs to you all...

Day 10: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know

Wow....I don't know the answer to this question really....this one is tough.  I try very hard to not allow toxic people in my life...there are few that are there because they need to be- I wouldn't get rid of them because of the ripple effect that would have on my life- if I didn't know them then I wouldn't know someone else and that person is important to me.
So I will take a bit of a different spin on this one I guess.  I wish that there was part of myself that I could let go- send into the wind and never see again....that part of me...the part that is scared, has nightmares, flashes back to those bad moments....I with I could make that part go away.  I don't want it anymore.  I think that I have learned all that I can from those experiences and I wish I could just let part of me go.  I know that I can't....I know that every single day I use those experiences, and what I learned, to make decisions in my life.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but you are made up of a million threads, all interwoven together.  Those threads are what make the whole picture.  if you pull one out, you ruin the picture.  I certainly don't want to change who I am today...and those experiences are all part of that...but part of me- I want to let that part go....into the wind.  I want to watch it float away, carried on the wind current, over the water until it is a speck on the horizon and eventually you can't see it at all.

Pity party

Warning: This is a not something that will make you smile....I just don't have it in me tonight...

That's what I am having tonight...

I got the call from my drs office- the call that I was treading.  I had blood work done the other day to see if I ovulated this month.  This is kind of a last chance because my health insurance changes at the beginning of the year and I don't have coverage for infertility issues.
I didn't ovulate....
I cried when the nurse told me that....as i do every month...
I don't understand why my body won't do what it's supposed to do....why does this happen.  Am I being punished for something?  Does someone (whomever the higher power is up there) think that we shouldn't be parents???  I know what you are going to say....it will happen when the time is right...and god knows that I have certainly been able to gain some perspective on things as time goes by...but really...I give up.  I give up thinking that I will ever be able to tell people that we are pregnant, hold my baby in my arms minutes after it's born, have someone call me mommy, watch my husband be a daddy....
I don't think it's asking too much for this one thing to go right...to go the way we want it to.
I hate letting my husband down...I feel like my body is betraying me...I feel like I am somehow deemed not worthy enough to have a baby....that someone has decided that I shouldn't be able to have that joy and that experience in my life.
i am giving up hope....I am giving up this dream.  I will learn to live with the ache inside....I will learn to just be happy with being an aunt instead of a mom...I can't stand the disappointment anymore.

Day 9: someone you didn't want to let go, but who drifted

Don't we all have a few people who have drifted out of our lives without us even realizing it?  Someone who came into your life like a whirlwind, was there for a little while and then the calls were less, the visits were less, the dinner dates were less until all of a sudden you realize it's been months since you last talked??  

My best friend of almost twenty years....we've drifted....I haven't talked to her in months.  I have no idea what's going on in her life...no idea where she's working, what she's doing, nothing.

Now the fact we haven't talked isn't really so odd....she lives in my hometown....has never really been one for the phone and we have in fact gone a very long time without talking. The difference this time....I am not picking up the phone and trying to get in touch with her anymore.

Let me explain- I love her to pieces, I would do anything for her and I sincerely hope that we talk soon.  But there comes a point in every relationship that if you are putting forth more effort to make it work, you start to resent the other person's lack of effort.  Life gets in the way....I totally get it....trust me.  I totally get it....I am not the most accessible person right now- but after countless messages, facebooking, emails etc you just give up.  Do I miss her?  I miss the friendship we had..I miss the history that I felt with her....I miss the connection to my past...I miss her knowing what I was thinking without even opening my mouth...I miss the hopes that we had as kids to be part of each other's grown up lives... you know the ones...kids running around together...backyard bbq's with our families, random girls weekends in fun cities..I miss her the way we used to be...I would love to talk to her- but the old her- the one that I had a connection with...the one who knew everything going on in my life- the one who I could talk to for half an hour and feel my soul fill up as we were conversing- the one who I would wake up in the middle of the night or suddenly know I needed to call in the middle of the day because she needed me- the one who I would love to surprise when flights were cheap on the weekends...I was the queen of the e-saver flights- Saturday morning at 6am leave here and leave down there Sunday night at 10pm...get home with no sleep, but a full heart, sleep for a few hours and go to work the next day.  Who wouldn't miss that?? of course I do...but sometimes you just need to let go and see what happens..

Ahhh...a list...and some fun from Skippy

My headache has gone away.  YAY!! I love acupuncture....
nice and quiet, relaxing me time.  That's seems to be what I needed to have that headache finally let go. Now I am just waiting to emerge from the "hangover"
Today was a pretty good day...busy.
Smiles this week:
hubby being awake and asking about my day every night this week
Actually feeling like I was accomplishing something at work instead of spinning my wheel
people liking my new hair cut and color
Planning a kids party- love it!!
trying Moxie for the first time- not too bad...not my favorite but the three sips were pretty good...and now I can say I've tried it
figuring out a christmas present for my dad--that never happens this early!
warm sheets and a down comforter...
a day off tomorrow...that's the biggest reason for me to smile this week!

From Skippy over at I Make Soap
Here are my answers to your questions:1.  You are having a dinner party for 10 people - who would have [living or dead]?
My niece and four nephews, my great grandmother, my mom, my grandfather, my uncle jim, my uncle red2.  Have you ever had something  bad happen that turned out to be a blessing in disguise?
I talked about this earlier in the week- but yes, there have been many things that have happened at the time that seemed really bad, that I ended up learning something or being able to help someone else as a result.3.  What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?
Nothing in particular comes to mind- graduating from college was a huge accomplishment, staying married for 10 years has been quite an accomplishment!4.  What is the best part of your day?
Coming home to my hubby and my kitties to my own house.  The feeling of truly being home, that place where you can just be yourself, without worrying about anything else....

I tag the people who read my blog...anyone who wants to play
1. What made you start blogging?
2. If you could go anywhere in the world- where would you go and why?
3. Is there anything you have wanted to try, but haven't had the means to do it yet?
4. Where is the one place on earth that you feel most at peace?

Hugs to you all!!

Better today...

A bit anyway...still have a headache but am hoping that acupuncture tonight gets rid of it...
You guys have made me smile today....your concern and great thoughts were wonderful this morning when I finally had a chance to check the blog. 
Thank you all for caring so much....I am not really commenting right now- but I promise I will catch up- i have the day off tomorrow so I am hoping to get back on track with the 30 days of truth too..
Be back later with a list!!
hugs to you all!!

Dull ache

this morning started with a migraine hang over.  I hate those....that dull ache as a result of the medication that I took last night....and the migraine reared it's head this afternoon again.....too much time staring at the computer I think...
Today's smile..hubby had dinner when I got home from work tonight...chinese... very yummy...and warm cookies fresh from the oven...yum...
now it's time to go snuggle into the fleece sheets and get rid of this headache once and for all...
hugs!!

Catching??

Apparently migraines are going around blog world today....apparently it's my turn...
I am taking some meds and going to bed....despite really needing to figure out the new health insurance options that both really stink...
today's smile- actually getting a bunch accomplished today at work....it's nice to be getting caught up finally and staying ahead of the game....
See you all tomorrow!!

insanity

I miss you all so much...feels like forever since I posted last...and really...that last post was very depressing...so...I didn't do my list last week- so I am going to do it tonight...because it is really late, I just finished my homework and my hubby has been in bed for almost three hours....
this weekend was awesome...went up north to see hubby's family.
here are some of the highlights:
new haircut (yay) and my winter color is done.
Planning a birthday party (which is going to be army themed- not pirate themed but still lots of fun , obstacle course, army camp in the living room etc etc)
Shopping with my sister in law for said birthday party (or at least that was the excuse...i swear we were in the shoe store looking for shoes for the kids...boots- what boots??)
Nephews, running full speed up to you, arms out, asking you to save them from the monster (hubby) who was chasing them and then burying their little heads into your neck when you lift them up
The sounds of their laughing
Watching hubby with them as they climb all over him and just want to be close to him
Girls night at my sister in laws house (her hubby was working, my hubby and the kids stayed at the inlaws..) watched He's just not that into you and drank wine, laughed a lot and talked....awesome
good orange marmalade from what I am told
Visiting with my favorite grandmother in law...laughing, and having her smile because we were there.
Coming home, despite the sleet, and having hubby here to reset the furnace in the house (because apparently it isn't resetting when the power goes out- it was 48 degrees in here last night) so that I didn't have to go into the nasty gross basement
Snuggling with my kitties cause they missed us
Now, going to bed with my hubby who probably  has the bed all warmed up already.....I am thinking about each and every one of you tonight and sending lots of positive vibes, good thoughts and blessings out to your corners of the world!!

Day 8 : Someone who has made your life hell

We all have one person don't we.  One person who you have to think that you would be better off if your paths never crossed.  If you just hadn't been at that fill in the blank ( coffee shop, party, grocery store etc.) wouldn't your life get better.

I know I did.  It was at a party- it involved too much alcohol and turned two years of my life into hell.  He would show up at random times- the aftermath was never good.  Makeup only covers so much- and the emotional scars were the hardest to heal- sometimes, I am not sure that they ever will.

BUT...and this is a big BUT in all capital letters...

Since I can't wish away what happened (or even write about it really without knowing that the nightmares will come back)

it happened for a reason.

It was the reason that my dear, sweet, concerned friend, reached out to me, spent so much time with me, got to know me, pried everything out of me, comforted me and eventually, fell in love with me and asked me to marry him.  My dear sweet hubby, who was just a friend, went through that hell with me- he saw the aftermath and as hard as it was on me- he will never forget the looks on my face, he had to look at the bruises and he slept next to me so many nights because he wanted to be there to comfort me and hold me when the nightmares woke me up scared out of my mind.

It is the reason why the girls I worked with in the group home were able to open up to me and talk to me about some of the horrors they experienced- they knew that they were talking to someone who's soul was as battered as theirs.

It is the reason why I am the person that I am today- because it may have taken me a while- but I finally did something about it.  As terrified as I was about telling someone- I did- and you know what- they made it stop.  It renewed my faith in others and opened my eyes to way too many other people who have been through something similar.

It shaped my core- it shaped me as a person- it shaped my political beliefs- it shaped my outlook on life- he gave me a gift- wrapped up in more pain than I ever wanted to experience- he gave me the gift of compassion, understanding- he made me stand up for myself and made me realize that I was a fighter- I could make it through anything if I endured him.

So he made my life hell for a little while, left emotional scars that begin to heal and then rip open again, he made me not trust people for a little while and he made me have to get really good at putting on an "everything's fine face"- but he made me learn, appreciate and love- the lessons are easier to learn in other ways, but I don't know that I would have appreciated them quite as much.

Day 7 : Someone who's made my life living

How many people can I put in this blog?
There is one person who is the reason that I am who I today.
To the woman who has wiped my tears
Shared my laughter
Been there whenever I have called
Whenever I have needed someone
She encouraged me, gave me tough love, has watched me grow, let me fall down when I needed to and was always there to pick up the pieces.  She may not have always agreed with everything that I have done, but she let me do it and was there to listen, never passing judgement.
She held me close and let me go.  She knew that I needed to spread my wings and although I may not have always flown, she made sure that I never landed too hard from a fall.
She hasn't always been around the corner, but has never been more than a phone call away.
When I have made the phone call, she knew by the sound of my voice and would jump in the car or on a plane and showed up with an open heart and open arms.
I wouldn't be the person I am today without her.   Half my genes come from her.  Her heart is part of me and although I have caused her pain, she always opens back up to me.  She is my support, my rock, my comforter and my super hero.  Without her, my life wouldn't be what it is today and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her, love her and don't know what I would do without her.
I love you mom- more than you will ever know.  Thank you for giving me my wings, letting me fly and always making sure that I have a place to land.

zoning out

Acupuncture today...fabulous,..
I got there, he made me smile, led me into a room, asked me how things were going.  He didn't buy my "everything's fine" line.  Made me open up a bit and talk about the craziness that has been work and life in general lately.  He has a very soothing voice, which is odd to think about this man who is sticking needles in me.  He seems genuinely concerned about me, about us having a baby, so nice, kinda like a therapists office, but less..I don't know..intrusive.  He puts on my favorite cd that he has, turns the lights off, with his usual, call me if you need anything and I close my eyes.  Concentrating on my breathing, takes five minutes to shut my brain off enough.  I can feel the breath, from my toes all the way up through my arms out my fingers, reverse it, comes in through my fingertips and all the way down to my toes.  I concentrate of feeling the energy hitting each needle, coursing through my body.  Relaxing, feeling the music, picturing a clearing in the woods, with a river, sitting and absorbing the energy from the forest that surrounds me in my head, relaxed, almost transported there.  I can picture this place in my head with such clarity. I can feel the energy of the earth, the breath of the trees, the beat of the heart that is that place.  Still taking deep breaths, concentrate on nothing- which is no easy task by the way- thoughts threaten to intrude on this sacred place- push them back- close the door in my head, this is my time, not time to think about work, or family or school or even my dear hubby.  This is the ultimate me time- the time for my breath to heal whatever is ailing me- the time for my energy to carry away the headache and the aches and pains from the wet damp weather.  I feel those pains, the worries and the stress escaping through my fingers and toes with every breath.  I hear the music, a breeze rustling those trees in my head.  I am at peace, laying there on the table- in that forest clearing in my head, the world has finally stopped for a few minutes, the pace has slowed and there is nothing except for the knowledge that my breath can carry away the worries- the energy is focused  and coursing through my body and I can feel it- I can feel the chakras line up and the energy balancing and feeding each one.  I hear him open the door and gradually pull myself out of the forest, saying goodbye and thanking the space for bringing me peace, aware of the energy as he pulls out each needle, still feeling it in my body.  Take your time getting up he says in his peaceful voice.  Sit up, put on my shoes and it's time to go back to reality.  I relish the moments, the peace, the awareness that I have because of acupuncture.  I am a convert...and I will continue to go every opportunity I have, because the gift of peace is priceless.


So that's how I feel about acupuncture and I am grateful that I allowed myself the learning experience and took the leap to go and do it for the first time...
I am terribly behind on commenting- it has been a bunch of late nights....promise I will catch up- know that I am reading everything you post...

Day 6: Something I hope I never have to do

I hope that I never have to bury my husband.
He is my whole world and I honestly don't know what I would do without him.
He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my biggest tormentor :), my biggest supporter, my partner in everything we do.
He also has health issues that have landed him in the hospital twice in the last two years.  The first time he was working out of state and I got the phone call at work that they thought he had a heart attack.  I had no car because mine had chosen that morning to break down, no family anywhere close and a breakdown coming quickly, I clung to the people that I worked with who made arrangements for a rental car for me and got me directions to where he was.  I drove the longest two hours of my life- expecting the phone to ring- my inlaws were on there way down as well.  Getting in the hospital I just burst into tears when I saw him laying in the hospital bed, joking with the nurse.  He pulled me close and I never wanted to let go.  It wasn't a heart attack- they have no idea what it was.  But he came home two days later.  Was back to work in a week.  The second incident we were driving home with my mother in the car from my outpatient surgery on my eye.  His vision went black- he hit the guard rail and, without hitting anything else or being able to see, managed to pull the car off the highway.  He was in the hospital for 3 days on that one...the diagnosis- a mini stroke.  Lots of appointments later and a handful of medicine every day they are not really sure what's wrong with him.
It scares me to death to think that I might lose him.  I know that I would survive- but I don't know what I would do if I couldn't hear his voice every day.  If I couldn't pick up the phone, if I couldn't come home and know he was going to be here.  I hope that I never have to face that reality.

Day 5: Something I hope to do in my life

This is a fun question- don't we all have bucket lists.  I do.  I actually  have a physical list that I carry around with me to look at from time to time to see what I can do today that's on the list.  There are big things- like go to Australia, go bungee jumping again, climb mt. everest, drink tea at a Chinese tea house, see the tulips in Holland, swim with sharks.  There are little things- like spend the day with my nephews chasing bugs, follow a rainbow to the end, spend a day coloring, enjoy every day for the blessing it is.  Make one person smile a day.
Over the past six months or so- there is one thing that I want to do more than anything in the world.  One thing that would truly make me the happiest person in the world.  I want to have a baby.  I want to see the look on my husband's face when I tell him we are pregnant.  I want to see the tears in his eyes when he holds the child in his arms for the first time.  I want to see him get excited about first steps, be a kid in Disney World with his baby, watch them grow up and walk down the aisle when he/she gets married.  I want the late night feedings, the snuggling, the bandaids when they get hurt, the pictures on the refrigerator.  I want to be the one that a child is yelling for when they yell mommy.  I want the opportunity to teach someone how to appreciate all the little things in life.
I don't know if this is ever going to happen and it upsets me more than I could possibly put into words.  We could adopt- hubby isn't really into that idea at all.  This is the one thing that is so important that it's not on a bucket list anywhere.  This is something that we are trying, testing, taking pills, acupuncture, dieting, waiting and waiting for.  I know that it will happen when it is meant to happen.  I know that the time just isn't right for some unknown reason.  The one thing that I would give everything up for right now- to be a mom, to watch my husband be a dad

Accomplishment

Today was a really good day.  Work went well, lunch with my hubby, a relatively early night and a beer in my hand.  All in all- not bad.
I think we are planning a special pirate/Indiana Jones party for my nephews birthday next weekend.  We are talking about each room being different obstacles with hints and treasurers at the end, a makeshift pirate ship and lots of fun had by all.  I am excited about it....it should be really fun to do it and he's going to be seven.  So it promises to be a good time.
I got my grade for my econ paper from last night- I aced it.  YAY!! i don't think that the paper was worth the score I got- but I guess it doesn't matter what I think.
So I am going to go enjoy my night with my hubby....hope that you all have a great night and seriously- thank you all for your support on my last couple of challenge posts....it means that world to me.

Day 4: Something to forgive someone else for

This one was a tough one.  I try to forgive people.  People make mistakes...they do things that they aren't proud of and I try to put myself in their shoes and figure out why the actions were done and then forgive them for it.  There are only two people in my life that I haven't been able to forgive and I am not sure that I could ever forgive their actions.  One is too painful to write about...there are only a handful of people who know about it and I don't know that I could ever write about what happened.  The other, well she deserves forgiveness and I can't bring myself to forgive her- but I do feel sorry for her.
She is the sister of one of my closest friends (coincidently the one I wrote about having dinner with last week).  We became friends when we were both going through a cancer battle together.  It was a time in my life that I couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on- I didn't want to upset anyone with how I was really feeling about this horrid disease that was making me miserable.  She was there- she understood what it was like to go through chemo, drs appointments.  She understood that there were different thoughts going through my head that I couldn't burden anyone else with.  We spent a ton of time together.  I would go to her house on the weekends and we would watch movies, talk, and she was the only one who could truly understand because she was going through the same things.  Her disease took a turn for the worst one summer and I spent every available minute with her.  She started to talk about ending things.  She wasn't getting any better and never would.  We would have conversations for hours about when the quality of life wasn't good enough any more, when the battle wasn't worth fighting any more.  I met her at her house one summer weekend and she asked me to stay for the weekend.  We went out on Saturday for a full day of pampering- massages, facials, hair cuts etc.  At the end of the weekend, she looked at me and told me that this was it.  She had done her research and she was finished with this world.  I cried. We talked.  I knew how she felt but losing her was going to be like losing a part of me.  She asked for my help going through her stuff- I knew who was getting everything.  She gave me prized pieces of jewelry and we cried together.  I left that night, knowing that I would never see her again.  I did see her one last time- before she did anything just to give her a hug and tell her that I loved her.  I didn't know when it would happen, but I got the phone call from her sister- she told me that her sister had tried but someone found her and she was in the hospital.  I cried- knowing that the last place she wanted to be was in the hospital.  Her sister- who also knew what was happening- told me that she would keep me updated on her condition.  Later that night, I got a phone call- again from her sister asking me if she could pick me up.  I said of course- knowing that this was a hard time for her as well.  When she pulled into the driveway, she looked at me and said that she needed to tell me something.  Bracing myself, I nodded my head and then she dropped the bomb shell that I will never forget.  She lied.  None of it was true.  She was never sick.  She never had cancer.  I remember thinking that's not possible.  I would have known.  After all the time we spent together- there's no way that it had all been a lie.  We cried together- tried to figure out how it was even possible that this was the case.  Her poor sister, this dear dear friend of mine, was left to pick up the pieces.  This person- who I had poured my soul out too because I thought that she understood- was nothing more than a con, a fake, a liar.  I felt betrayed- putting it in simple terms.  Her sister said to me- she wants to see you, she wants to explain.  I shook my head and said that I never wanted to see her again.  I boxed up all the stuff that I could find and brought it to her sister.  She called me once- tried to explain- told me that her drs had lied to her, that she truly thought that she was sick.  I told her that was bull- she admitted that she lied and that she was sorry and that she needed her friends now more than ever.  I told her that wasn't possible and I hung up the phone.  I received a couple of emails from her and finally wrote her back and told her that I couldn't even think about her without feeling completely betrayed and that I wasn't going to talk to her again.  I haven't heard from her since- except through her sister who updates me occasionally.
I know that I should forgive her.  I know that I shouldn't have turned my back on her because she was a friend.  But I honestly felt and still feel that every part of our friendship was built on a lie.  She took something as awful as cancer,lied about it and used it to make me and others feel sorry for her.  I can't forgive her for that.  I wish that I was a strong enough person to forgive her for it, but I can't.  I do feel immensely sorry for her.  Had I met her after all of this charade was done, I probably could have been friends with her.  She is one of two people in this world who I really should forgive and I just can't.

Halfway there

Economics is done....thank goodness.  That class was torture...I just wrote my final paper...I have no idea how it turned out...but as usual- I am just happy that it's done.
The decision to get my MBA is one that I made a few years ago.  This is something that is purely selfish.  This is something that is purely for myself.  I don't know what good it will do for me professionally- but personally it's a goal that I want to achieve.  So that's my smile for tonight as I sit cuddled up with my kitties waiting for my hubby to get home from his late night shift....I am closer to a goal that I set for myself and one more thing to check off my bucket list!!

Day 3: Something I have to forgive myself for

Wow...some heavy stuff.
This one is difficult for me.  I could answer this one with some fluff answer, but that's not really the point is it?  I have to forgive myself for hanging up the phone.  It was a long time ago and I will never forget the sound of her voice.  Desperate and pleading, asking for help.  I thought that I had helped.  I listened, she talked, yelled, screamed, cried, laughed.  I soothed, comforted, tried the very best that I could.  For hours, we talked.  For hours, I worried.  For hours, I tried to reassure her that she was loved, people needed her in their lives.  For hours, I listened.  As the sun was peeking up through the clouds, she said she was fine.  She said that she would get help.  She said that she wouldn't do anything.  I told her I loved her.  I told her if she felt this way again to call back.  She assured me she was okay.  She told me that she loved me and she promised me that she wouldn't do anything.  I hung up,  I fell asleep, with the phone next to me, just in case she needed me, just in case she called back.  My phone rang, jolting me out of a sleep, it was only four hours later.  I picked up with a sense of dread. I listened- I went numb- what do you mean?  She promised...promised she would call...promised she was okay..promised...promised...promised.  Crying, yelling, tears- no laughter in this call.  Just sadness- all encompassing sadness.  I didn't go back for the funeral- I couldn't face her parents, her family- they knew that I was the last one to talk to her. I heard the begging and the pleading in their voices for one little thing that could have been done differently.  I listened as her mother yelled and cried over the phone that there had to have been something that could have been done.  Emails and questions abound and I didn't have any answers.  I was a coward and couldn't face them in person.  Couldn't look them in the eyes and see them searching my face for an answer.  I was a coward and stayed, isolated, in my dorm room, isolated, left to myself to replay over and over and over again the conversation, the last few minutes of ever hearing her voice.  I went down to the beach alone on the day of her funeral.  I yelled and cried and asked why. I wanted an answer just like everyone else, an answer that would explain, an answer that would make it make sense- the only person who could give it to me was gone- taking her own life and with it pieces of others lives.   I couldn't bear to think of what would have happened if I didn't hang up...maybe another few minutes, maybe an hour would have made a difference- maybe it wouldn't have- I will never know because I hung up.
Years later- I know this wasn't my fault- I know that there was probably nothing I could have done differently- but there is part of me- that still wonders, still worries, still feels guilty for hanging up the phone.