About Me

My photo
Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

brain dump

has been overtaken by the voices in my head at this point.
I look around my very comfortable house and I see things that kids can break
or hurt themselves on
Scheduling trips to go away makes me wonder what they will do....where they will be
My head is reeling with
What if it goes horribly wrong
What if this isn't best
What if the people that I care about the most are right..
Those people, who will always challenge me and make me think of things that I don't think about are telling me to stop and think..
that's all I am doing is thinking
In the middle of the day
In the middle of the night
I know the reasons why we are doing it
When I express them to those I love the most, they listen
and then there is always something else.
I love these people because they challenge me.
I love these people because they know that most of the time I think with my heart and don't wait for my head to catch up
I love that they have yet to bring up something that my mind hasn't thought of..
that I haven't obsessed over
that I haven't dissected and put back together.
I know that these are the right decisions we are making..
and I love those around me who may not agree, but will support me anyway..
My head and my heart are at the point that says..just get it done already..
Just move in
Just let us get adjusted.
There are a million things, a million adjustments and I am sure things that no one has thought of...
a million reasons to be excited for this new adventure...
you know what my biggest fear is??
That it isn't going to be enough..
that she is too far gone to come  back
I am scared that no matter what we do or how we try to help...we will have to turn her away because she won't take the help as an opportunity to better her life.
I am scared of becoming one of "them"
Those people, who in their own ways love her, but have had to walk away because she won't help herself.
As much as I wish I could say that I can make it all better, I can't...
she has to do it on her own..
I can only provide a safe place for that to happen...
I just hope it's enough.


  1. You sound as tho' you are losing your smile a little bit there Col'.

    You and your husband have made a very generous offer to a very desperate family, and have laid very few ground rules.

    Please try not to overthink this. I think it will work out a whole lot better than you are dreading because you and your husband may have a lot more stability than others have offered.

    Stop worrying about the house. Move chemicals and meds out of reach of the 4 year old, and put your breakables away for the time being. Your house isn't going to kill them. I swear. Look at me - I got 4 to adult hood and one's a teenager. It's when I let the little snots outside that they got hurt [shark bite? running into a wall? bowling ball injury?]

    Please, please don't worry. Your stability and love will go a long way to making their life better. As long as she follows the rules and if she doesn't then you know what you have to do.

    Take care, hugs and love from my heart.

  2. This is the right thing. Maybe instead of worrying about things being up out of the way, think of things that will make them welcome.

    You are a very kind couple to do this.

  3. You are forgetting one very important piece of this Nic. You are in control of the situation. If it isn't working, you know what to do. When you let them control your life and your home, then it becomes a problem. As long as you know you're trying to help that's all that matters. If she doesn't accept it, there's not a thing you can do but say "I tried". Don't worry about it so much! Relax and smile and make them feel welcome. Love you sweetie!!

  4. Barb had it nailed Col. Just do your best and if it doesn't work, you tried.

  5. it will be OK. relax. take a deep breath. take it one day at at time.