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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

Hate is such a strong word.  One that I don't use very often. I am not sure that I can hate anything that I can change about myself.  I am unhappy with my weight, my lack of motivation at times, my procrastination skills- but I don't hate that about myself.
I hate the fact that I can vividly remember all of the bad things that have happened in my life.  I wrote the other day briefly about the fact that there are anniversaries coming up and that I do believe that everything happens for a reason...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..blah blah blah...and I do honestly believe that.  However, I can go back to some of those moments and remember in vivid detail what happened, how I felt and it really throws me for a loop sometimes.  It is almost completely out of my control at times and will sneak up on me.  It is only the bad things I can remember with this level of clarity- never the good. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of happy memories and can remember things from my past, but never with the all encompassing vividness (is that even a word) that these memories can sneak up on me with.
I hate this piece of my subconscious.  Nothing that I seem to do helps with these memories.  I think I have made piece with something until it slams into my reality again and can really really mess with my head.  Luckily for me my hubby was "just a friend" during most of it and mostly understands.  It causes me pain and I know that it causes him to relive some of that time and it's just not good.  I wish I could make it go away or at least that some of the good memories had the same level of vividness, at least then the bad ones would be worth it..


  1. I'm sorry :(
    I know EXACTLY what you mean. That is how I am too, anything bad that happened- Feels like it JUST happened when I think about it... and I too wish the good things were like that!

    Whatever these things were, I think they did make you stronger. And helped make you the kind person that makes us all smile :) You probably appreciate the good things more, because you have been through the bad...

    I'm glad you are doing this too, I love learning more about my fellow blogger friends!

    Great Post. Big Huggsss

  2. As you fill your head with good thoughts and make your own memories these bad ones will move way to the back of your brain. You can't dwell on the negative. Just relish in the positive. And soon you'll have all positives and the negatives won't be as vivid anymore. If you ask me, you're well on your way. Good post.

  3. [See this is why I am friends with Barb and Tina - they just stole everything I was going to say...heehee]

    I understand this completely - but I think as time passes the good will outweigh the bad with the bad falling to the wayside of just distant memories.

    With a blog called "A Smile A Day" how can they not/ Hugs!

  4. Thanks ladies!! I appreciate the positive thoughts...the bad doesn't creep in very often, but when it does it kinda hits me in the face. Focusing on the positives helps and so does knowing that there are people out there who care!!

  5. Amen - I hear ya and I agree with the other 3 posts.