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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Enough is enough

I have always been there for you...
Through good and bad..
I listened to you cry when at eighteen you found out you were pregnant..
I gave you a place to escape the bitterness, the yelling, the disappointment.
I was excited for you when you met "the man of your dreams"..
even when you told me you were pregnant with him, despite only knowing him for mere months.
I planned your wedding when no one else would help...spent sleepless nights making everything perfect.
I held your hand as you brought that baby into this world....
I took your calls at three am when he left you alone, with a baby in the house and another on the way with no money, no way of getting anywhere.
I listened to you yell when you were frustrated because he was drinking, hanging out with his friends and ignoring his family.
I gave you a place to run to when you needed to get out of the house and away from him.
Money has exchanged hands to help you.
I supported your decision to go back to him over and over again.
We have argued about it....I don't want to see you hurt...don't want your kids to get confused.
All I have ever asked is don't shut me out.
I don't agree with all of your decisions, nor do you agree with all of mine.
You are family and I love you and your kids like you were my own.
So I don't tell you anymore that I don't approve, because it's your life and as long as you are safe, there's nothing I can do but support you.
I listened a few weeks ago when you found out he was cheating on you.
Didn't say I told you so, although I wanted to, because it didn't matter.
I offered you a place to stay, with your kids, so that you could "detox" from him...
Get away from him and the traps....
You told me you weren't going back to him..
you told me you were done.
Even if you weren't, I would still be there for you.
I don't agree with it.
I don't like it
I don't like him and I never will.
He's not willing to change
Not for you, not for the kids you share
But it's your life and as long as he's not hurting your kids, I will support you.
The only thing I have ever asked is that you are honest with me.
Please, don't change your relationship status on facebook and expect everyone to be okay with it.
I don't know what goes on in your relationship, nor do I want to unless you need to talk about it.
I will never be impartial to your situation, nor do I want to hear his side.
I love you and your kids, but right now, I have lost a lot of respect for you
Although you will never read this, here's what I want to say to you.
You are making the wrong decision...
for yourself but especially for your three kids
Your children are trying to learn about healthy relationships
You were never taught what a healthy relationship was, so you aren't able to teach them
Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself..
want better for your kids than you had.
You are a beautiful, wonderful mother who deserves someone who respects you
Your kids deserve a father who will love them and cherish them, not forget about them when his buddies call to go out drinking or some girl catches his eye.
You deserve a partner in life, not another kid that you need to watch
I know that you don't think you can do better, but you can...
but you have to respect yourself enough first.
It's time to grow up and think about your kids...
I love you and always will, I have a special connection with you and with your kids....that will never change....but like with most family...sometimes I just want to shake you and ask you what you are thinking.


  1. I wish your friend could read this. I don't know that it would make a bit of difference, but it might.

    She is probably too scared to leave him when she has three kids to raise. The security of the marriage [such as it is] and his paycheck may be keeping her there. It IS scary when you have small children and don't think there is any other options. The first step is the hardest one to take.

    I wish her the best. She is lucky that she has you by her side.

  2. I have been there where your friend is. All I can say is that it's not about having no self respect or fear, although that does come into it, it's about the fact that this person has spent years squashing you, grinding down your self esteem, telling you that you're stupid, useless and can't live without them and because you've been fed this line for years, you believe it!

    When I tell people what I put up with then, they can't believe that someone like me would ever put up with that and be in that situation but you don't realise half the time that it is happening, that they are chipping away at you over the years til you have no confidence left and they have you exactly where they want you.

    She will get there but it might take a bit longer, just keep telling her how she deserves so much more and hopefully she will end up believing it. :)

  3. Nic, I know so many women who have been in this situation. Everything you've written is right on the money. However, as you and I know, not until she see's the lightbulb go off in her head will she change. Maybe you should show her this letter?! But you know best. It's so sad that women have no self worth and end up with these husbands who abuse them other than physically. You are a gem to be there for her. Hugs!

  4. Wow, that's a very strong post today Col. It must be so awful for you to see you friend going through the same thing over and over and over again. Such a waste of her life and so sad for the children. She is so lucky to have a friend like you who is always there for her. I agree with BB - if she read your post, she probably still wouldn't change. But, hopefully, one day she will do it for herself and, again, I am sure you will be there for her to help her move on in her life. Excellent post my friend.

  5. "What thisisme said" A very good post girl. Have a great rest of the week.

  6. what they said...

    great post and i hope writing it helped relieve some of the stress of holding it all in.

    my older sister was one who put up with abuse for 25 years! no one knew the extent of her abuse. everything from the outside looked just peachy. imagine our surprise when we learned the truth. sadly, about a week after she died.

  7. This made me think of my sister who put up with an abusive husband for over 15yrs before she walked away from the marriage he was abusive before she married him and still she did on her wedding day she knew she was doing the wrong thing but still did it anyway......It is hard at times to still have the respect for them when you see them going back time after time.