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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My heart hurts

I missed your text message this morning.
I have gotten very used to hearing from you in the mornings.
I tried to respond at least every other day.
I got caught up today...a million calls to make, a million questions to answer, a training session.
It wasn't until I sat down at 5:30 that I realized I didn't get a message from you.
I am sorry that I wasn't paying more attention.
I am sorry that I didn't notice that you hadn't sent me a good morning text.
You were mine.  You were one that I watched out for, gave advice to, the whole world in front of you.
I didn't notice that you hadn't said good morning.
Never again will I get another message from you
Never again will we have lunch, just to catch up
Never again will I hear about you accomplishments
Never again will I see you smiling face
Now I will be one of many in line to say final goodbyes
One of many who will remember the texts, the phone calls, the lunch dates
You had your whole life in front of you and now we are all left to wonder
What could have been done differently?
What if I had sent a message yesterday, called on the way home
What if I had just reached out one more time
Would it have made a difference?
Did you know that you were loved?
Did you know that there were people out there who you made smile every single day?
Did you know that you made a difference?
The tears come freely tonight my friend
I will glance over every day waiting, wishing for one more text, one more call, one more lunch date
May you find the peace that you wished for
May you find whatever it is that you were missing.
My heart hurts tonight
For you
For the helplessness you felt
For the despair that you could claw your way through
For the decision you made today to leave this world.
You leave us wondering why?
What else could have been done?
There are so many unanswered questions, unanswered hopes,
There was so much hope, the world was at your feet.
My heart hurts because the world will never know the person I knew,
breaking out of your shell and taking this place by storm.
I will remember the laughter, the tears, the jokes, the lunch dates, the potential.
It ended too soon, too quickly, too suddenly.
I wish I understood
I wish I could ask you why
But instead I am here, with unanswered questions, knowing that never again will I see those words, those smiles, hear those dreams, those wishes, trying to make sense of it all.
The tears will stop eventually, I will stop glancing over at the phone eventually, but the piece of my heart that died with you- I don't know if that will ever grow back.


  1. oh my goodness colenic - i wish i knew the right words..
    please know i am sorry, so very sorry.
    i wish i was there to hug you ....
    if you need anything you know where to find me.

  2. I'm so sorry colenic :(
    My heart hurts for you, and the pain you are going through :(

  3. Oh Colenic, there was probably nothing more you could have done.
    I am so very very sorry for your loss.
    Sending you love

  4. Sorry doesn't seem adequate but I am my friend.

  5. Very powerful and I can truly say I know how you feel ((hugs))

  6. I agree with Odie, sorry just doesn't seem enough, but I am. Heartbreaking words. Sending ((hugs)).

  7. This was a very sad post. No words can express how awful you must feel. I can tell you, that you will never truly understand why, it was definitely not your fault and there was nothing different you could have done. It just is.

    I know how painful this is, the shock alone floors you for months. (((hugs)))