not soon enough

It's late...and I am sleepy but I need to finish packing so once again, being the queen of procrastination I am writing a blog post.
We leave for Mexico in 56 hours and 18 minutes....I seriously can't wait to get out of here...
HOWEVER...we are getting more snow.
That's right, that nor'easter that's coming up the coast is aimed right at us.  Weather forecast is saying that we will get anywhere from 6-13 inches of snow tomorrow night into Friday...so I am packing tonight so that we can head down to Boston tomorrow after work instead of on Friday..which pushed all my time frames up by 24 hours...so it's been a bit crazy today....but in the end..sipping margarita's on the beach is totally worth it..
I didn't get the job :(
I am disappointed but got some really positive feedback, which is good...and face time with some people who I wouldn't have gotten if I didn't have the opportunity to interview so that's good..
Today's smile?  My homework is done for tomorrow night..so that's good.
I am going to appreciate this vacation more than I ever thought possible so that's a good thing..
My hubby managed to get the whole house cleaned before I got home from work...huge plus!!
I have to go wax my legs now...ouch but totally worth it..
and finish packing..
hugs to you all....hope all is going well.

Happy Dance!!

Another class officially in the books...
and you know what...
every smile
every I love you
every slobbery kiss
every giggle
every hug
was worth staying up late tonight to finish it...
I love that I have you guys to "get" the perspective that life should be in..
I could have stayed home on Saturday and gotten my paper done
I could have waited to go up there on Sunday
But I am so glad that I didn't
I finally caught up at work today..
left with a blank screen
no outstanding calls....that is a great feeling
I have a lot to get done before we leave this week....my next class starts tomorrow night...but that's okay..
this time next week I will be sitting in a bar drinking a margarita enjoying the fact that it is still warm enough to be outside...and that it's not snowing
I hope that you are all well....I know that a lot of you are crazy right now with a ton of stuff...so I will sprinkle the universe with wishes for sweet dreams, smiles and a light at the end of the tunnel for all of you!! Hugs!

Procrastination Part Two

Okay okay...I had the best intentions of getting work done this weekend....we weren't going up north for a birthday party until the paper was done.
Then I got a phone call..
Auntie- when are you coming for my birffday
I don't know sweetie...Auntie has homework to do and Unkie has to get some stuff done..
but Auntie It's my birffday and bubba is sick and we had to cancel my party
Sweetie I know but...
Auntie I NEEEEED you to come today.
I have to work today
Then please please please please please please please please can you come tomorrow.  Momma says that you will come on Sunday but I need you  now..
ummmm...I don't know...I need to talk to Unkie
I already talked to him and he told me it was up to you.  I love you and I want you to be here when I wake up...please...
What to say...how do you resist that?  after the crazy insane nutty week I had...it didn't take a lot of arm twisting for me to say...
Okay we'll be up tomorrow...
YAY!!! I love you Auntie and I can't wait to see you
So up north we went at seven am on Saturday morning...my computer packed so that I could at least get some work done when we left to go back to my inlaws...
and that didn't happen...because Unkie spent the day with the kids so that my sister in law and I could get some shopping done and then Unkie went out for the night and the littlest one wanted me to snuggle him to bed and the bigger one was upset because he wanted to snuggle to fall asleep....and he was sick so I felt badly...
I had an amazingly wonderful time...I love the sound of their laughter and when they get all serious while talking to me.  They have stolen my heart and I am not sure when I am going to get it back..but I willingly give it to them...
So yes, it is worth the lack of sleep I will get in the next day and a half so that I can get my paper done for just one of the Auntie I love you and am so happy you came for my birfffday celebration's we got when we walked out the door...and it will even be worth the cold I am sure that I will get because I spent two days with them....
I am going back to my paper...hope you all had an awesome weekend!!! Hugs!

Thursday's List

Not really a list..but one really really good thing that happened at work today....
It's been an insanely crazy chaotic week at work with a new software integration that has thrown every single thing out of whack that I do during the day.  There are several extra steps to pretty much every single step that I do during the day....it has been insanely crazy.  As a result I am behind...granted less behind than others but behind nonetheless and it is driving me insane...I just can't get out of my own way..
but today....I had an amazingly wonderful customer who made an amazingly huge purchase that put me ahead of the game on one of my goals for the year.  Literally today this order came through that means that one of the goals that I couldn't figure out how I was going to meet for the year is almost met....for the whole year.  Takes a huge weight off my shoulders and makes me feel pretty good about the whole situation.  I remembered today why i am doing sales...a job I swore I would never do.  I got to meet a need for a customer that I unearthed and actually walked through the sell process to the point that he was eating out of my hand, chomping at the bit to buy this particular product.  Today I actually felt like I was good at my job and not just going through the motions to get caught up.  What an awesome feeling....still a lot of work to do to get caught up and to a place that I am feeling okay about everything and going away for a week...but I am quite happy with myself at the moment.
Hope you all had an awesome day...and a good weekend...I need to go submerge myself in a 10 page paper about international business that's due on Monday!! Hugs!

Terribly Behind

in just about every single aspect of my life...
work is in chaos right now because of a new software and it is sucking the rest of my life into the black hole.
I am trying to catch up.....I am thinking about all of you...I hope you all know that..
Smiles today...
We leave for Mexico in 10 days...
10 days till the only white I will see will be the sandy beaches
10 days till someone brings me lots of tequila in fruity drinks while I sit at the pool and just relax
10 days till I can stop thinking about work and shut my brain down for a little while
10 days till I get real quality time with my hubby and my parents.
I can't wait....but it's 10 days of lots of stuff that needs to be accomplished
getting caught up at work, writing a 10 page paper, nephews birthday, packing just to name a few...
but in 10 days...in 232 hours I will be sitting in the sun, drinking a blue margarita and getting as close as I can get to stopping the world and taking a break!

Snowing....again

It is snowing again....they upped the estimated amount to six inches...I can't even deal with this right now...I HATE the snow.
i am done with the bitching about the weather
Did I mention that I broke my toe yesterday?  It hurts....it sucks..and there's nothing I can do about it other than look at the bruise that is spreading up my whole foot.
In other news...my family member that was making choices....she has made them.  She is doing what is best for herself and her kids and she is going through hell making those choices.  I have a very strong opinion on this situation and have found it best to step back...but I also realized that she needs support...so I am trying to figure all that out too...slowly.
It's a crazy week....but I am sure that there will be some hidden smiles in there...
Hope you all have an awesome week...good luck with whatever adventures you will undertake this week!

Quiet

It is finally quiet in this house...
no hammering
no drilling
no swearing
no yelling
no sawing
This weekend was a treat...my inlaws made it down at about noon yesterday.  We made progress on the bathroom...kind of..
The room is completely gutted.
The plaster is cleaned up from in there
We went to Lowe's this morning and spent an hour and a half gathering copper couplings, wyes, pvc pipe, cement and other miscellaneous shit necessary items to get the pipes relocated.  Got home, unloaded and I started to work on my paper that was due.  My mother in law "needed something to putter at" so she proceeded to start cleaning my house.  Great...love the comments about how she was going to get into places that haven't been swept for months...I worked on my paper and generally tried to tune her out.
We went out to another hardware store to get some more stuff...twice..
The end result
The sewer pipe is moved, my hubby has a list and we still have plaster dust all over the house.
I am grateful that they could get stuff done but now it will be the middle of April before they can work together on this project again....ugh.
I have written before about my mother in law.  She's a piece of work.
The one thing that drives me insane about this weekend is that she wasn't going to come down.  I had to work on two papers this weekend because we are up there next weekend for my nephew's birthday party.  My final paper for my class is due a week from Monday....hence I don't have next weekend to do the work...she came...and needed to be doing something...I heard a lot of
Well, obviously we have stuff that we can do around here while they work
We can't just sit here and do nothing
You don't mind if I  (fill in the blank with some sarcastic comment about how bad of a housekeeper I am).
I got one paper done.  Luckily it's the one that is due tomorrow..
So in between work and everything else this week I need to try to get the final paper done...
She came down the stairs tonight with her bag and said "oh shoot, I wanted to sweep your stairs, obviously not something you have time to do".
Obviously not, can I hand you the broom?
Maybe you can fly home on it.
I sound like an ingrate and I am really quite grateful that my father in law can help and that he has gotten much better about coming down here...and she really does motivate me to get things done when she's here...but really I had stuff to do this weekend...I could have curled up and gotten work done instead of babysitting.
Hope you all had an awesome weekend...

BTW- we are supposed to get 2-4 inches of snow tomorrow.

Saturday Post

I had this great post planned for today...because yesterday it was almost 65 degrees out- it was sunny and there were patches of grass in my yard.
I was going to take pictures for all of you because I have been complaining about how spring in never going to get here.
I didn't do it yesterday cause we are in the middle of removing walls and there is horsehair plaster dust all over my house.  I have been trying to clean as we go...I have quite that task because it just keeps getting worse.  I will have some pictures for you all and hopefully a new bathroom this weekend but it will take me a month to get the plaster dust out of the house.
Anyway.....so I figured I would get up this morning and take the pictures- I had it all planned out...the green was going to grace this page...finding some new life....yay happy smiles.
I woke up and it's snowing..
not just any snow..
but heavy wet gross snow
And it has covered every single piece of the grass that was showing...the driveway...it's nasty...
and it means that the windows are closed so the plaster dust is just swirling in the house.
I am going to go rip down another wall.....gets some of the frustration out!
Hope you all have an awesome saturday!

Thursday's List

Thank you all for your thoughts on my last post.
We have been so busy at work I barely have time to think, which right now is a good thing.
I smile...every day
sometimes through tears, but mostly through laughter
I smile...
when the sun is shining, but also when the rain is pelting my windows
I smile...
at everyone, young, old, cranky, chipper,
sometimes they smile back, sometimes they don't, sometimes they think I am crazy...it's all okay
I smile...
when I walk out of my house in the morning and back in at night
I smile...
with that first cup of coffee, with the sandwich my hubby made for me cause I was running late and again when I sit down to eat dinner with him at night.
I smile...
when I am procrastinating finishing homework that's due by midnight and when I turn it in a day early
I smile..
when I feel the love that I am surrounded by every single day.
I smile...
even though it would be easier to cry,
even though it would be easier to scream
even though it would be easier to pull the covers up over my head
I smile...
because I have a choice and today that choice was to get up, get out of bed and know that no matter what the day threw at me, no matter what happened, that I had to embrace it
I had to live it today...every day...
I smile..
because there is today...
because I can call my mom
because I can wish my niece a happy birthday
because I am here
I am present
I am accounted for
I am alive
I smile...
because even though my heart is still hurting...and it will for a very long time...I smile because I am blessed by this universe,
I smile...
because no one knows when tomorrow won't come...

My heart hurts

I missed your text message this morning.
I have gotten very used to hearing from you in the mornings.
I tried to respond at least every other day.
I got caught up today...a million calls to make, a million questions to answer, a training session.
It wasn't until I sat down at 5:30 that I realized I didn't get a message from you.
I am sorry that I wasn't paying more attention.
I am sorry that I didn't notice that you hadn't sent me a good morning text.
You were mine.  You were one that I watched out for, gave advice to, the whole world in front of you.
I didn't notice that you hadn't said good morning.
Never again will I get another message from you
Never again will we have lunch, just to catch up
Never again will I hear about you accomplishments
Never again will I see you smiling face
Now I will be one of many in line to say final goodbyes
One of many who will remember the texts, the phone calls, the lunch dates
You had your whole life in front of you and now we are all left to wonder
What could have been done differently?
What if I had sent a message yesterday, called on the way home
What if I had just reached out one more time
Would it have made a difference?
Did you know that you were loved?
Did you know that there were people out there who you made smile every single day?
Did you know that you made a difference?
The tears come freely tonight my friend
I will glance over every day waiting, wishing for one more text, one more call, one more lunch date
May you find the peace that you wished for
May you find whatever it is that you were missing.
My heart hurts tonight
For you
For the helplessness you felt
For the despair that you could claw your way through
For the decision you made today to leave this world.
You leave us wondering why?
What else could have been done?
There are so many unanswered questions, unanswered hopes,
There was so much hope, the world was at your feet.
My heart hurts because the world will never know the person I knew,
breaking out of your shell and taking this place by storm.
I will remember the laughter, the tears, the jokes, the lunch dates, the potential.
It ended too soon, too quickly, too suddenly.
I wish I understood
I wish I could ask you why
But instead I am here, with unanswered questions, knowing that never again will I see those words, those smiles, hear those dreams, those wishes, trying to make sense of it all.
The tears will stop eventually, I will stop glancing over at the phone eventually, but the piece of my heart that died with you- I don't know if that will ever grow back.

Jealous

I am completely and totally jealous...
green with envy,
knashing my teeth and stomping my feet
I am wandering through the blogosphere looking at pictures that are popping up
everywhere
of green
and pink
and purple
and yellow
and red
of brown mud
of grass that promises to be green soon
of buds on trees,
flowers on plants
and what do I see...when I look out my door

Still covered, still cold, still white, still dead***
So I love your pictures....thank you for showing them to me...I am a little (okay a lot) jealous of the green grass and the flowers.....but at least I know that spring is coming to some part of the world...it should be here soon....right?
Hugs to you all...and wishes for the sweetest dreams and deep slumber...hopefully tomorrow will be a day free of pain for all of you, full of hope and sunshine..


***this picture was taken two weeks ago...you can see the asphalt on the driveway now and the snow banking is about a foot lower....

I am Woman...Hear me Roar

Today was the best day I have had in a very long time.
I met up with K today and we shopped...I finally found a pair of boots that I have been looking for FOREVER...just in time to put them away for the season- but they were on clearance so that's good..
and I went and bought myself a purse....it was on a gift card from work and it was me spoiling myself a bit..
We went to a brewery for lunch and had a sampler of beers and some great conversation.
It was an awesome morning...and just what I needed to fill me up...we laughed...we cried a bit and just had a good time..
I came home and hubby and I were talking and decided to start demo on a wall to start the downstairs bathroom.  He brought in his sledgehammer and let me do all the demo.  I hate horsehair plaster with a passion and have to take some benadryl because I am starting to break out in hives...but the wall is down.  We can see what we need to leave up to support the stairs and have a plan.  So hopefully, my father in law will come down next weekend and they will get the plumbing figured out...the inspector can come out and give us the permits and we can get that project done.
It's very empowering to know that I can go from the ultimate in girly to a hard hat and sledgehammer in less than a day...now to make dinner, snuggle down and watch a movie...

News? Sort of

I got an email at 3:30 today that no decisions had been made and that they would update next week.  Ugh..the waiting continues....however after my emotional craziness yesterday, I am okay with everything...and whatever happens.
I can't wait until tomorrow.  I am getting together with one of my best friends from college for a day of shopping....I can't wait to see her..it's been a few months and I am in need of a girls day.
I thought I would take a trip down memory lane for a few minutes...I hope you'll come with me..
I met K the first day of college.  When I chose a school, it was as far away from where I grew up as possible...ended up at a small private university in a sleepy new england town...honestly some of the best memories of my life were made at that school, on that campus.  You could walk around and know that you would see the same people every day....our largest class might have been 50 people and the smallest class was 10 people my senior year.  The school has done a significant amount of growing up and has lost some of the feel that it had while we were there...
Mu freshman year, my parents brought me up and dropped me off with the threat of a hurricane approaching.  This school was right on the water (literally the view from my window was of the ocean).  We were stuck in our dorm, not allowed to go out.  The place where we lived was set up with doubles and singles, there were a total of eight doubles and eight singles in the unit we were in...we were all the same major and we were all very close that year.  My parents unpacked my room with me and left for their twelve hour drive home and I started to get very homesick..K came into the room and plopped down on my bed and introduced herself.  We talked for a while- and she introduced me to her roommate...the three of us were inseparable from that year forward.  We had most of the same classes until I switched majors, were Resident Assistants together, loved our late night talks, played in the rain to relieve the stress of finals and celebrated the end of the semester with shots of Absolute Citron.  We knew everything about what was going on in each others lives for most of our time in college...senior year we didn't have as much time to get together- but would still manage to meet up- most of the time really late at night to have a cigarette and just chill out and appreciate the friendship.  In our adult  lives, we try to get together at least a couple of times a year- and there is nothing like those friendships.  She has twins who will be three next month.  She had a heck of a time when she was pregnant and spent the last six weeks of her pregnancy on bed rest.  Her birthday is two days after mine and she was in the hospital so we had thirty balloons and flowers delivered to her room so that she still had a "party" even though we couldn't be together.
I miss her like crazy and love that she can text me and ask to go shopping because she needs some girl time....and that I am able to meet her...It's not going to be our overnight weekends that we used to have before she had kids...but it will be four or five hours of time with someone who knows me better than my husband, who can have a conversation with me by saying two words and who will fill my heart with something that I have been missing....even if I don't buy a single thing, it will be the best shopping trip I've had in a long time!!

Thursday's List

The sun makes me smile...the smell of the dirt in one patch here and there peeking out- trying to escape from the snow that is still mounded ten feet high.
The anticipation makes me smile...and cry...and smile again.  It's been a long time since I have been this excited about potential.
The mind games that I play with myself don't make me smile right now but I know that they will...I am trying to convince myself that I didn't get this job...they were supposed to make an offer today...I don't know if they did...my spies are telling me that they haven't made an offer yet. But I am pretty convinced that I didn't get it...which is okay...the anticipation is killing me...and making me emotional
My hubby makes me smile.  He stayed home from work today and had a bunch of people at the house...the furniture guy, the kitchen designer guy, the plumber.  Getting estimates for the work that needs to desperately get done...and some that isn't a necessity but it's nice to dream about a new kitchen.
The den is almost completely organized...which is so nice...he worked really hard today and I was so cranky when I got home that I wasn't very nice to him...must remedy that situation in a few minutes...
My new stove was delivered today...it is very pretty...although the electronics on it aren't working right now...so the stove guy is coming tomorrow...
I get to spend Saturday with a girlfriend...shopping...hanging out and just catching up....She needs it...i think I need it even more...I can't wait...
I ordered stuff for hubby's party today....we are having a luau on May 14th for his birthday....it will include this

from here
which I got for 70% of the price listed!! YAY!!
which would be an inflatable flamingo....promises to be fun....anyone want to come??
Hugs to you all...hoping that you are well

No patience+

I am not a patient person
I don't like waiting
I can't focus- my brain split in two
Here or there
In or out
I really just want to know..one way or another so I can move on.

Done and Done

Interviews today went well....
One of the people that I interviewed with reminds me of how I think my dad would be if I ever interviewed with him.  Tough, not easily impressed, not forthcoming with the compliments but when he gives you one makes you feel like a million bucks.
I learned a lot from this experience.  It has been a while since I truly interviewed for a job...I temped at the place where I am not for two years doing the job that they hired me for and worked under the boss that I have now who hand picked me for the job I am in.
I learned that there is not a right answer in the world when you are interviewing.
I have to be more comfortable with silence
Just because you don't think you answered their question doesn't mean that you didn't and really they will tell you if you haven't even if you babble on for longer than you should.
Sometimes, they want to watch you squirm and other times they want to test your ability to think on your feet.
I learned that I have a lot to learn about myself.  It still makes me nervous when I interview and I need to be able to articulate more concisely the aspects I want to convey (see note about babbling above)
I am glad I don't work for a company that requires me to wear a suit every day
Sometimes the person interviewing you really is just as uncomfortable as you are
Often you are able to surprise someone who knows you relatively well within the confines of what you do now with something you have done in the past and they are genuinely impressed by what you say.
And yes, it is okay to get carried away and bring your own ideas in to answer the questions, because just maybe they haven't thought of that before...
I don't know if I got the job.  It would be nice...it would set out a path for me...but I just don't know.  I don't know enough about who else applied, or really what kind of experience they are looking for...mostly because I am not sure they are sure about that.  I asked the questions, I laid out a plan and now I just have to wait and see if they like me best.
Like many other things in my life, I am glad for the experience.  Yes, I want the job.  yes I think I would be good at the job.  If I don't get the job, there will be a moment of disappointment and a look down the road to see what else is on the path...
My paper is done for tonight, it is late and I am sleepy.  My kitties are curled up here again and ready for me to go to bed.  We have two more nights of temperatures in the teens before it is supposed to stay above freezing for the foreseeable future...that is exciting..spring is 12 days away and I for one can't wait.
Be well my dear friend.  I know the path is long, sometimes dark, sometimes you can't see around the bend, but there is light on the path ahead, it will straighten out and I know something great is waiting for each one of you.
 Hugs and love!

Awesome weekend

I spent an awfully lot of time with my hubby this weekend.  He had to work yesterday so I rode along with him.  We talked and laughed and bought a new stove.  We have been looking for a stove for the last year or so...and we found a closeout stove that we got for half off....plus we had gift cards from my parents and my work so it ended up not costing us anything....so nice....they are delivering it on Weds so that will be really nice.
I went shopping yesterday for a new suit....I LOVE what I bought...some of my friends will understand how tough shopping for an off the rack suit is when  you are not a size four.  But I found one that I really like..it's kinda funky and will be something that I will wear again.  I can't wait until these interviews are over.  One way or another, I will know at the end of the week if I have a new job.  This position would be really great, but if I don't get it, I know of another one that I would be just as interested in that will be opening next month.
We went grocery shopping yesterday at a couple of my favorite stores that we don't go to anymore because they are too far away...so that was fun.
I need to start working on my paper that's due tomorrow so I will start that tonight....I am revved up about my interviews tomorrow so I will be able to get some solid work done tonight on that as sleeping is tough when I feel like this.
I hope that you all enjoyed your weekends....thinking of you and hoping you had some down time!!

Thursday's List

Things to smile about this week so far:
A weekend of snuggle time with my honey.
A new steam mop (all hardwood floors in the house...this is the best invention EVER)
Yummy pot roast (edited: thanks Skippy!  I don't proofread well!)
Interviews at work
the sun was out today...it was 19 degrees out- but it looked pretty from inside
tax return came back (YAY!!)
Blue potatoes in my crop share box this week (YUM)
And most exciting of all....I had all of the stitches removed from my eye today.
Just a bit of background on that....I have an eye disease called keratoconus (click here if you want to know more..it's really not all that exciting) but basically my cornea due to a genetic condition was cone shaped instead of rounded.  So my doctor decided to do a transplant.  The surgery itself was pretty straight forward- gross cause it has to do with the eye- but straight forward.  It was on the way home from the surgery that dear hubby passed out behind the wheel of the car on the interstate and hit a guard rail...so the aftermath was horrid...but that's another story for another time...anyway because of the environment, the graft for the transplant takes a really long time to fully take...so they leave stitches in...well I had my surgery in June of 2008 so it's been a really long time and one of them decided yesterday to break.  When I went in today the doctor said that everything looked good with the graft so we could take the rest of the stitches out...which was a little bit of an ordeal but all is right and my eye, though sore, feels less irritated which is awesome.  hopefully back to new before too much longer...
As it is late (again) and freezing (literally it is -5 degrees without the windchill) I am going to go crawl into bed with my hubby (who has been there for almost three hours) and have warm up my freezing cold hands (oil heat it almost as expensive as gas is a gallon....I can't wait for winter to be over..but until then..54 degrees is awfully cold inside).
I hope this finds you all warm and comfy, snuggled up in pj's with a warm cup of tea (cocoa, bailey's irish cream whatever) in your corners of the world.  Hugs to you all.

I had a couple of really good interviews today at work.  I am looking for a management level position.  Don't know if I have the experience but the interviews were good.
However, I woke up this morning and have a stitch that has worked it's way out and is bugging my eyes.  I had a cornea transplant about eighteen months ago and have eleven stitches left.  One of them today, when I was sitting in front of a variety of different people  talking about why I should get this position, my eyes were tearing and bloodshot....a little bit inconvenient.
Other than that...it was a pretty good day...late night at work.
I am going to go find a warm compress and go take some sleeping pills....time for me to get some sleep...hugs to you all..