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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Uncle Jim

I have been thinking of you a lot lately..
I always do at this time of the year.
I stare at the stuffed monkey, whose hands are still in a knot from the last time you held it.
I try to push the last memories of you out of my head.
I remember the day that the switch flipped..
Everyone warned me it would happen...
I wasn't ready
One day, sitting on your bed, laughing, joking, holding your hand
You insisting I sit on the bed instead of the chair next to you because you wanted me to be close.
The four hours and talking, crying, laughing
It will be okay baby girl, I promise
That's what you said.
I hugged you extra tight when the nurse said we had to leave.
You cried and asked me to take you with me....told me that you didn't want to stay there.
I begged the nurse to let me stay a bit longer..she said no.
I gave you a kiss and promised I would be back the next day.
You promised me you would remember...like you had promised so many times before..
I squeezed your hand and left the room, I heard you say I love you most of all.
It was a great visit...I was on top of the world.  You were so present...maybe they were wrong...maybe it wasn't as bad as they said.
I went back the next day to see you.
You weren't there any more.
Your body was there, but your mind had forgotten.
The nurse was in there and said you were crabby.
I sat next to you and you yelled at me.
I talked to you, like they said I should...
I introduced myself to you, trying not to break down and cry.
I gave you the monkey.
You just stared at me and told me I was one of the ones that was trying to hurt you, trying to make your life miserable.
I assured you I wasn't, that I loved you and that I had just been there the day before.
You asked about Sue, you hadn't talked about her in years, asked where she was and why she wasn't there.  I didn't have the heart to tell you she was dead.
You told me to go away.
You told me you didn't want to see me anymore.
I leaned down and gave you a kiss..
I told you I loved you most and left.
My heart broke that day....all of the optimism was gone.
I knew you were gone that day.
For the next year, you didn't recognize me.
You didn't recognize anyone.
I still visited and still listened when you talked.
Some days it was good and like I was talking to you, only you didn't remember who I was
Other days, you were sullen and unresponsive.
I kept going to see you because I knew somewhere deep down you knew I was there...you could feel it..
I felt if I loved you enough you would remember one last time.
If I was there enough that the switch would flip back and for just one afternoon you would remember
I saw you the week before you left us.
You weren't talking at all at that point.
As I was leaving, I gave you a kiss and squeezed your hand, like always.
You squeezed back
I was shocked but happy.
I whispered in your ear that I loved you most and you smiled.
I knew you had taken a turn for the worst overnight and being three hours away I couldn't get there in time.
I was at my desk at work, cleaning up some stuff so I could leave when I finally heard your voice again.
I love you most of all baby girl
Whispered in my ear.
I cried and looked at the clock 8:27am.
My phone rang two minutes later, you were gone.
I knew that already when I heard your voice for the last time.
That day was four years ago.
I feel you every single day, in one way or another.
I know that you are with me, guiding me, loving me, watching over me.
I miss your smile, your gentle ways.
I miss the way your hugs were so powerful...like all of your energy went in to them.
I miss the way you used to grab my hand and squeeze three times, just so I'd know you were there.
I miss you.  Every single bit of you...
I know your with me, but I wish for just one minute that you could still be standing next to me.


  1. It is so sad when you lose a person bit by bit, slowly but surely.

    This was a lovely post to your Uncle Jim and I so get what you mean when you wish he could still be standing next to you. I wish that for my mum, every day. (((hugs)))

  2. While this is sad, I find it more as proof that we can still communicate after they are gone. How wonderful he spoke to you that one last time. I know I've been visited by my Grandma and Rich but I don't really talk too much about it because some people just plain don't want to believe in it. Thanks for the smile this morning.

  3. Beautiful.

    I know that many people will say thank you for sharing something like this but I have to say that your honesty made this beautiful, sad and amazing to read at the same time.

    Even in the saddest of times there is always something that will make us smile...if only for a moment. And remembering our loved ones who are no longer here is one of those bittersweet things that can make us smile and cry at the same time.

  4. Crying...Dad left us this way, too.

  5. although sad, what a wonderful tribute to an obviously wonderful man. my MIL became a shell of herself before she passed. i feel for you and understand your pain.

  6. This is a beautiful post and filled with love, joy and sadness all at the same time. I feel so blessed to have aunts & uncles that even though they are old still have sharp minds. It was sad to think of you dealing with the times when he seemed not to know you but good to remember the happy times. Have a great week my friend.