Uncle Jim

I have been thinking of you a lot lately..
I always do at this time of the year.
I stare at the stuffed monkey, whose hands are still in a knot from the last time you held it.
I try to push the last memories of you out of my head.
I remember the day that the switch flipped..
Everyone warned me it would happen...
I wasn't ready
One day, sitting on your bed, laughing, joking, holding your hand
You insisting I sit on the bed instead of the chair next to you because you wanted me to be close.
The four hours and talking, crying, laughing
It will be okay baby girl, I promise
That's what you said.
I hugged you extra tight when the nurse said we had to leave.
You cried and asked me to take you with me....told me that you didn't want to stay there.
I begged the nurse to let me stay a bit longer..she said no.
I gave you a kiss and promised I would be back the next day.
You promised me you would remember...like you had promised so many times before..
I squeezed your hand and left the room, I heard you say I love you most of all.
It was a great visit...I was on top of the world.  You were so present...maybe they were wrong...maybe it wasn't as bad as they said.
I went back the next day to see you.
You weren't there any more.
Your body was there, but your mind had forgotten.
The nurse was in there and said you were crabby.
I sat next to you and you yelled at me.
I talked to you, like they said I should...
I introduced myself to you, trying not to break down and cry.
I gave you the monkey.
You just stared at me and told me I was one of the ones that was trying to hurt you, trying to make your life miserable.
I assured you I wasn't, that I loved you and that I had just been there the day before.
You asked about Sue, you hadn't talked about her in years, asked where she was and why she wasn't there.  I didn't have the heart to tell you she was dead.
You told me to go away.
You told me you didn't want to see me anymore.
I leaned down and gave you a kiss..
I told you I loved you most and left.
My heart broke that day....all of the optimism was gone.
I knew you were gone that day.
For the next year, you didn't recognize me.
You didn't recognize anyone.
I still visited and still listened when you talked.
Some days it was good and like I was talking to you, only you didn't remember who I was
Other days, you were sullen and unresponsive.
I kept going to see you because I knew somewhere deep down you knew I was there...you could feel it..
I felt if I loved you enough you would remember one last time.
If I was there enough that the switch would flip back and for just one afternoon you would remember
I saw you the week before you left us.
You weren't talking at all at that point.
As I was leaving, I gave you a kiss and squeezed your hand, like always.
You squeezed back
I was shocked but happy.
I whispered in your ear that I loved you most and you smiled.
I knew you had taken a turn for the worst overnight and being three hours away I couldn't get there in time.
I was at my desk at work, cleaning up some stuff so I could leave when I finally heard your voice again.
I love you most of all baby girl
Whispered in my ear.
I cried and looked at the clock 8:27am.
My phone rang two minutes later, you were gone.
I knew that already when I heard your voice for the last time.
That day was four years ago.
I feel you every single day, in one way or another.
I know that you are with me, guiding me, loving me, watching over me.
I miss your smile, your gentle ways.
I miss the way your hugs were so powerful...like all of your energy went in to them.
I miss the way you used to grab my hand and squeeze three times, just so I'd know you were there.
I miss you.  Every single bit of you...
I know your with me, but I wish for just one minute that you could still be standing next to me.

Thursday's List

It's THURSDAY!!!!  YAY....I can't wait for the weekend...it's been a grueling week (as they often are when you get back from vacation)..
A lot to smile about this week.
Coming home to a quiet house with kitties who can't get enough patting, loving and snuggling
The forty degree temperature difference
The quiet
Veggies growing in the garden that will be ready for picking this weekend
It's blueberry season and I am seriously contemplating blueberry jam this weekend
A compliment from a customer this week
Being caught up and almost at goal for the month ( I am trying really hard to see this one as a positive...it's been a long time since it's been this late in the month making goal..but it's in sight and will be there tomorrow)
Only seven and a half more days until I am sitting in Florida with my very best friend in the whole world...a cocktail in my hand and some quality time with her and her daughter..
Have I mentioned the quiet in my house??
I love my family, all of them to pieces, but I also love coming home to the peace and quiet of my own house and my own bed.
I hope that you are all well and that you are enjoying the last month of summer..hugs and love from my corner of the universe to yours!!

It's just a piece of paper...

but it came today in a pretty frame....and I cried...

It was a good day today....
A compliment from a customer
on top of my game all day
still haven't made goal but getting closer
and we have vegetables in our garden!!
good day all around
Hugs and love to you all...I am going back to editing pictures!!

There's no place like home...

and I am looking forward to studying the backs of my eyelids in my very own bed tonight...
But not till after I go take a shower in my fabulous shower that has an amazing rain shower head.
I hope that you are all well.
It was a good weekend...and I promise a full report and maybe even a few pictures (although I do promise my sister not to share pics of the kids so I am not sure what's left but we will see..)
The garden is growing like crazy and we have a lot of banana peppers that need to be picked so maybe some pictures of that craziness too..
My kitties have been talking to me all night and all four of them are currently touching me falling asleep so I best get off to bed.
hugs and love to each of you in your corners of the universe...

Feeling hot hot hot!

Morning everyone!!
We made it maryland the other night....only an hour late...
My brother and his significant other came over weds night. It was the first time I got to meet him. M was very nice, and extremely comfortable here which is good and he centers my brother...which is needed. Still reserving judgement, but my initial assessment is that he makes my brother extremely happy..which is all that matters....
A little side note, my brother has never brought any one home before....so this is a pretty big step for him. I am proud of him and really really happy that he has found someone to be in a relationship with that makes him want to include that person in family events. That thought combined with what that actually means brings a smile to my face every time I think about it.
My sister and her children came over yesterday..
All day, Auntie will you...Auntie can you..
Uncle meatball..uncle meatball..uncle meatball.
I love the sounds of their laughter and their voices...I love the giggles and the snuggling...
Auntie will you play with me??
Auntie will you read with me??
Uncle meatball sit
Uncle Meatball play with me
Uncle meatball let's build a tower over my head :)
I love it...fills my heart and soul...
Today we are hanging out, need to peel potatoes and make macaroni for salads for the party tomorrow. We are heading out to Walmart soon and then we will be going to the movies to see Harry Potter at the Imax...my little brother is coming today and spending the whole weekend..yay to spending time together.
That's all I got....gonna go get stuff started to surprise my mom....
hugs and love to all of you!!!

Smiles...

Thank you all for your support yesterday...it is the cycle that this job goes through and I am just having a particularly hard time with it right now...but it's gotta get better..right ?
Tomorrow I am leaving..
There is nothing that makes me smile more than a trip....not just the destination but the getting there part too..
The anticipation of packing (usually way too much)
The packing the car
The smell of the airport
Checking in, knowing that you are going to be leaving shortly..
Going through security knowing that you are not as rushed as the person who seems to just want to get through faster..
Collecting your stuff and knowing that it will probably be another hour before getting on a plane (because I am ridiculously early when i go to the airport)...
Getting that airport pretzel or starbucks coffee and checking out the gift shop to see if there's anything new and exciting
Getting on the plane and settled and knowing that in a few short hours you are going to be someplace new and different
Immersing myself in a book while flying while listening to make sure hubby isn't snoring too loud..
The final descent into someplace else, watching the houses getting closer, the traffic on the freeway or the crystal blue water depending on where I am going..
Getting off the plane...walking through the terminal
And finally exiting the terminal to the hugs and smiles of my parents...
Getting in the car, being someplace brand new, different smells, no worries for a few days...just taking a deep breath, catching up on what's new and exciting in this world you have suddenly entered for a few days...
Flying relaxes me...I know that's not the way it is for everyone...but for me, it's an experience in and of itself and it makes me unbelievably happy.
My husband, on the other hand, hates it...but he has gotten much better.
I am excited to see my mom and my dad and talk through everything that they already know about my life and what's going on but to see their reactions.
They live in a place where I have never lived...they moved to a new house and have been there for eleven years this year...they moved the summer I graduated from college so I never lived there.
It still feels like home...I can curl up on the couches and put my feet up or eat dinner at the table and know that this is home...just as much as my own house is.
To be called auntie by those that I share my blood with is going to be amazing and hasn't happened in almost eight months.
To see the one that couldn't talk, walk or do much of anything except sleep, laughing, crawling and walking around will be amazing.
To hear the stories of the school year, dance recitals, pirates and t ball will make my heart full
To get the snuggles, the hugs, the kisses and the amazing unconditional love of kids that I don't get to see often enough, but who know me...
To see my brother, in a comfortable relationship finally, hang out and just spend time together..
To get my dad's career advice and cook next to my mom in the kitchen while getting ready for a party...
Those are just some of the smiles that I will have and that I am looking forward to this weekend. I won't promise pictures because sometimes it's easy to just get caught up in it all..but I will try my best..
To fill my heart, my soul and my brain with memories and family- that is the ultimate reason to smile and although I don't get to do it often enough, when I do- they hold me over for a while.
Love and hugs to you all..may the rest of your week be filled with peace, love and lots of smiles!!

Blah blah blah

Ever feel like the only words that come out of your mouth are blah blah blah>
My job, as exciting as it is, requires lots of talking on the phone
Today was just blah blah blah
No connections, no spark
Blah blah blah
Yep, we can
No we don't
blah blah blah
Emails written, carefully formatted, words carefully chosen
blah blah blah
There's meaning there, but no impact.
Interactions every day...good...fine...great...yep..nope...maybe
Blah blah blah
Called my mother, can't wait to see you, it will be fun...what, yep sure, call me later
blah blah blah
Talked to my grandmother-
I am honestly not even sure what we talked about...
blah blah blah
Silence, no talking, all alone...and still..through my head runs
blah blah blah
Typing, writing, more email, more statuses,
Blah blah blah.
Hubby's home...superficial conversation
Blah blah blah
Vacation is soon....different environment, different people...
hopefully that will drive the recording of blah blah blah out of my head..

Hugs and love to you all..

the weekend

Harry Potter was awesome!!! Well worth staying up late and seeing...I can't believe that it's all over...but we will be going to see it again with my brother and my mom next week in IMAX..
Yesterday's interviews went really well. I think that I touched on everything that I felt the position needed to offer and the four people that I interviewed with agreed with me..which was awesome. Hopefully they will make a decision soon. It would be nice to get started if they are going to offer me the job.
It was odd talking about the things that I would do differently in the department. I have immense respect for my boss and what she does, but she's one person and they really need someone in there who can help and concentrate on the "stuff" that isn't being dealt with now. If I don't get the job, I hope that they at least listen to what I said and the new person that they get in there will be able to concentrate on some of what I talked about. The only way I won't get the job is if they interview someone who is more experienced than I am.
We were supposed to head up north this weekend to help hubby's dad with some stuff but apparently he doesn't need our help so we will spend the weekend at home....need to get laundry put away and pack for our trip next week.
This week was full of smiles, from Harry Potter to interviews it was a good week and I am grateful for a weekend to just kinda chill and relax. Hope that you all are having a great one and enjoying the time away from work... hugs and lots of love to you!!!

First box in the mail

So I got my first box of goodies for my giveaway today...
No pictures because I want it to be a surprise- but I am getting closer. My original goal was to have boxes out before I left for Maryland next week...but I am still waiting on a couple of things.,...so that's not going to happen. But soon...I promise.
I have second interviews scheduled for Friday....six of them. I think I am ready, but really can't wait until they are all over. At this point I am not sure when the job is even going to be decided upon...but I am excited because these interviews are with people that I don't get face time with on a regular basis so this will be good....any opportunity to make myself known, right?
Things were good today...productive day at work and a good evening with glasses of wine and dinner.
Hubby is out late tonight for work so I have enjoyed my quiet time this evening and am going to go read in bed for a little while before he gets home.
Harry Potter comes out this week and I am beyond excited to see this last movie. Debating on going at midnight on Thursday. not sure that's such a good idea with the interviews the next day..
Rambling a bit...hope all is well in your corners of the universe...sending love and lots of good wishes out to all of you on the back of star beams tonight!! Hugs and love

Running

Have you ever read a blog or an article about people running...
getting lost in the sounds of their footsteps
The almost meditative state that they can enter while running?
The amazing restorative power that running has for people?
I desperately want to be that person.
I want to be able to lose myself in a run...even if it's just on the treadmill
Forget about my life for half and hour
Pound pavement and just use the time to reflect on life.
I am NOT that person.
I got on the treadmill tonight because I keep trying to do it every single day
I HATE every single step
I can't lose myself in the run.
It disappoints me.
I keep trying, keep striving, keep getting on the treadmill to get to that point.
I am not sure that it will ever happen, but I guess as long as I am trying there's hope.
Tonight I was actually hoping to stretch out my legs a bit from strawberry picking yesterday. So far it hasn't helped but maybe if I just keep doing it I will get there.
I guess everyone has to start somewhere.
I wonder if those people are just born loving to run?
Not sure...but those are the thoughts for tonight.
I hope that you all had good weekends..
I made fifteen pints of jam last night....very productive..
And mondays seem to just come faster every single weekend.
Enjoy your monday!!
Hugs and lots of love to you all..

sigh...

The sun is out and it's Saturday morning...usually a lazy morning in my house, nothing to do, sleep in a bit and then start the day with a yummy cup of coffee and some toast. Today I was wide awake at quarter to five. I tried going back to sleep, couldn't and got up. I made coffee and sat and read a book, for fun, for the first time in about six months. Nice and relaxing.
I also went on the dreaded Walmart trip at six thirty so that trip is done with minimal exposure to the craziness that ensues in that store later in the day.
We are heading out to go strawberry picking and take a nice leisurely drive in the country....gonna hopefully try out the new camera.
I hope that you have an amazing Saturday full of love and smiles.....sending out good wishes, happiness and love to all of you today!!

Thursday's List

It has been a long, crazy week.
There are changes on the horizon.  I am not sure what they are...but I have that feeling...we will see what they bring..
This week, I ordered some stuff for the giveaway I did weeks ago.  I can't wait to get the packages in the mail.  I will be emailing those of you who won to get addresses soon.  I am hoping to put stuff in the mail before I leave to go to my parents house.
I go to my parent's house in 13 days.  We are celebrating my dad's birthday...I really can't wait to see my parents....I miss them..plus my brother has the whole week off from work.  So we are going to get to hang out...I seriously can't wait.
The last installment of Harry Potter comes out in a week!!! I am so excited for this movie.  I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan and will see the movie at midnight next week...and then again with my brother in Maryland....I CAN"T wait!
I sent out a box to a friend...I can't wait to hear how she liked it....very fun..
I think this weekend is going to be a jam making weekend.  We will go strawberry picking on Saturday and come home and make both strawberry and strawberry rhubarb.  If anyone wants me to include them in their packages (if you are in the US cause I can't sent food overseas...sorry) let me know....I also have apple jelly, cranberry jelly and I think orange marmalade left from last year!
It has been super warm this week...so fabulous...almost makes the winter worth it....
We had our first grilled pizzas of the summer tonight...so good.
I have another trip planned for the end of the summer.  I am going to Las Vegas!!  My "little" brother turns 30 this year and so we are going to Vegas to celebrate with him and his significant other, a friend of his and my parents.  It will be quite fun.  I can't wait to do that...so the end of the summer will be busy...
Hope that you are all doing well in your corners of the world.  Blogger is still not working well at the moment for me to leave comments...grrr.. frustrating..
Hope that your universe is happy and that you all have had reasons to smile this week.  Hugs and lots of love to all y'all!!

Good Morning!!

i hope that this morning finds all of you well.
I have been on an unplanned break from blogging because life just got crazy....and hubby and I have been having some very interesting conversations lately.
We were in the car yesterday,, coming home from the farmer's market and he asked me why I felt it necessary to share my life with complete strangers.  I asked him what he was talking about and he talked about blogging.  I tried to explain it to him, he just didn't get it.  He doesn't understand why I would want to put information out there about myself and my experiences for perfect strangers to read.
I tried to explain that like in real life, you are surrounded by circles of people and those people are all strangers at one point or another.  You talk with them in real life and you converse and they become friends.
I explained that blogging is the same thing, except you get to chose the pieces of your life that others see.  These strangers become your friends.  He still didn't get it.
I told him I  blog as a creative outlet.
I blog to get a different perspective on my life experiences
I blog to connect with people who I may not have connected with in "real" life and I have made some very real friendships this way.
He asked me if I will ever meet "those people" (his words, not mine).  I told him that I honestly didn't know if I would or not.  Maybe, someday, our paths will cross, but it is not something that I need to make these friendships more "real".
I told him, I know that I can write something about how I am feeling or what I am experiencing and in a few hours have comments from people that might make me think in a completely different way about it.
I know that there are people out there that will celebrate my accomplishments with me and will try to bolster me when I am feeling down.
There are people out there who I worry about when I don't hear from them for a day or even weeks.
My friends out there probably know more about the way I am thinking and what I am feeling because it is easier to put it out there when your not going to run into them the next day.
The conversation got a little heated and I got a bit defensive with him and we changed the subject.  I actually suggested that he start a blog.  I think he should try it, just on a limited basis if he wants to, just so he can feel the connections and understand why people "pour their hearts out to a bunch of strangers:.
See- I don't know what I would do without this outlet or this circle of friends in my life.  I rejoice with you when something good happens, laugh at the stories you tell, cry with you when you are sad, live vicariously through your pictures, give advice when needed, always have a hug to spare when a friend needs it and feel the hugs you send through the universe to me.  I value each and everyone of your friendships and I know that there are always new ones out there that will expand the circle.
So I thank you all for giving me this experience and this freedom to express my thoughts, desires, disappointments and photos.  I thank you for your support, hugs and comments.  I love this circle in my life and hope that it continues to grow for a long time!!
Hope that the world is treating you all well today.  Love and hugs from my corner of the world to yours!!