Yesterday

Coming back to work yesterday was tough. After a fantastic weekend of seeing friends and being reminded of what it is like to click with a group of people, coming back to the real world was an adjustment. I came back to an amazing group of people, who I work with and spend an insanely large amount of time with. We work together, we laugh, we cry, we are concerned with what's going on in each other's lives and although it's a different type of click, there is still a click. We learn to read each other's moods and thoughts and know when to push each other into sharing and when it's best to just let it go. We don't hang out after work, we don't have interaction away from this building, but the time that we are here, we click. Looking at these relationships differently between all of us is good. It makes work more tolerable and I know that there are a group of people in my "real" life everyday who would help with whatever is needed. For the first time in a while, when I came to work yesterday, I felt blessed to be in the situation that I am in, surrounded by people who pay attention to what is said when they ask how you are and who care about you. I guess that's what happens when you grow up--new connections are made in places where you spend your time--but it is just as important to recognize and value those friendships.

Fullness

This weekend was amazing. We got into a city that we haven't been in ages but at one point knew as well as the back of our hands. A trip down memory lane for sure. We went to a place that allowed us to hang out, eat, the guys play video games and just generally have a good time. Seeing these people, laughing till we cried, reminiscing about old times, people we knew and realizing that facebook is the way we all keep in touch with everyone. Hours passed, shots were consumed, drinks we bought, games were played and a lot of talking happened. We talked about the old times, we talked about what was going on in our lives now, we laughed so hard that we cried, we fell back into the same patterns that we used to have, we moved together. It was amazing to see them. It was great to be in a place where we were so comfortable with one another that we didn't even need to talk or when we did complete sentences before we were laughing with each other. Promises were made about getting together soon when those precious hours were over and we needed to get back to our "real" lives. Promises that may be kept, but probably not, as we will text each other and keep up on facebook but our real lives will take over again. We will talk about and get together again next year, maybe in the same place, maybe somewhere else but it will once again be like we were together moments ago. My heart is full, my soul is fed and the laughter, tears, hugs, pictures and the knowledge of friendships that will last forever will continue to make me smile for years to come.

Anticipation

The building is quiet. After weeks of late nights, memorizing lines, hanging lights, building sets, rehearsing, painting, patching, blocking, laughing, crying, yelling, stressing and having fun the first night is over. There is a sense of melancholy as you shut down the lights, make sure things are ready for tomorrow, walk down the stairs to the last few people waiting on you to leave for the party. You walk into the main space and stand there for a moment, listen to the whispers of the past, the present and the future, knowing that there were others before you and will be others after you leave, knowing that these people that you sweat, cry, laugh with will be friends forever. After all, how do you explain to someone who hasn't been through it what it's like. It's like this small group of people who know the stress, who are with you till all hours of the night and mornings become part of you. While you are working you become synchronized, anticipating the needs of others, knowing the next move before someone opens their mouth to ask for something. You are all of the same brain, knowing that like it or not, the deadline is looming and you can't miss it, so you work harder, lose sleep, drink lots of caffeine, order in, and turn up the music really loud and just get it done. And that night, that you are standing there, knowing that people are waiting for you, in the middle of that dark space, you know they understand why you need to take a minute, they don't rush you as you soak in the energy of the ghosts and memories that surround you, knowing that you will be leaving this place and that it will move on, different people will come in and they will create memories. As you take a deep breath and walk out to close the door on this space, you appreciate what this place means to you, knowing that it will never be the same again, but that the memories will live on forever with you.
Tonight, I will be able to relive some of these memories with some of those people. Although it has been several years for some of us, when we get together, we click again and it feels like just yesterday we were in that space and time that we had to work as one person to get the show up and running.

10 years ago today...

I woke up in the morning with butterflies in my stomach and a lightness in my heart. I was surrounded by family and friends after a night of some crazy fun that included just enough alcohol. Needing to run around, pick up flowers, making sure everything was ready, a rehearsal, a stress melt down and some well timed advice from someone very special to me. Finally it was time to get ready. Hair, makeup, steaming the dress, time to go. Hearing the music made by my wonderful friends, surrounded by love, excitement and a need for time to stop to enjoy the moment. then I saw him and the look on his face as my dad walked me down the aisle and time did stop. Joy, tears, laughter and love bubbled over and the vows we exchanged were just the beginning of the promises we have made to each other. That day was amazing, fun, scary, full of love. We were able to share the begining of our life together with family and friends and have a good time.
The last ten years have been full of immense joy, sadness, laughter, tears, whispered words, harsh words, promises made, promises broken, love, anger, hugs, kisses, and a lot of work. I truly married my best friend who knows everything about me, who accepts everything about me, and who loves me, cherishes me and is willing to work through anything with me. My wedding day was just the start of our lives together and looking back ten years later, he is the reason I smile, the reason I get up in the morning, my reason for being and the only one who I want to share today, tomorrow and always with. he is my reason to smile, always!

Hard to come by

WARNING: This is a blog post about work and it's kinda whiny and a huge downer...therapy comes in the form of writing so feel free to skip this....


When the tears come more naturally than the smiles, the sarcastic comments more often than the happy ones, when the pit of my stomach has knots instead of a content feeling, when I leave the day feeling worse instead of better, when the emotions hide just beneath the surface and bubble up unexpectedly, when sitting and doing absolutely nothing is more bearable than the thought of going to work, I know that I have to do something differently. I am consumed by the negativity that surrounds me at work, it effects everything that is happening in my life and I know that I need to do something about it....I am just not quite sure what yet. I feel like every time I turn around something isn't good enough, the example I am setting isn't bubbly enough, there is no positivity in the feedback that I am getting. I know that I am good at my job. I know that I am able to perform the tasks that they are asking of me day in and day out, I know that I can salvage a project, think of all the details and make something a success...and I am- it's going well..no complaints from anyone...so why is it that I don't hear the good things, why is it that I only hear what's wrong. Why is it that I am responsible for the way everyone else is feeling? I am not sharing how I am feeling with my team, I am not being negative, I have constructive things to say to people when they ask me, but somehow that is not enough. I don't believe that I have that much influence on people, I don't believe that people are looking to me for a cue how to behave or feel about something. They are all adults and they have legitimate concerns, ones that should be addressed by management. They are looking for answers, not me. Please if you are frustrated by the questions, talk to the people who are asking them, not me...because I need a break from it all for a little while. I am their colleague, not their manager, not their team leader, I am on the same level. I am desperately searching for a way to stay whole and not allow this to bring me down...
I am desperately seeking something to feed my soul and help me realize there's more to life than work...

Me Time

I love my husband...he is a wonderful person and as cheesy as it sounds I can't imagine my life without him in it. I also cherish my alone time. When he got up to go to work this morning, I rolled over and snuggled with my cats for a while longer. I got up and cleaned a bit, and have just enjoyed having the house to myself for a little while. He is on his way home now and I will be happy to see him. I do think that one of the things that makes our marriage successful is the ability to spend time alone- it makes us appreciate each other so much more. Not sure what the rest of the day is going to involve, but I feel centered and relaxed and excited to spend the day with my hubby, enjoying the beautiful weather!

Weekend is here!!

and I couldn't be happier. As I said it was a stressful week at work and I have been trying very hard to just keep it together. But the week is over...
I am reading a new book called The Power of Now. One of the lat pieces that I read last night was about how often we focus on the negative aspects of life. the other tenet that really stuck with me was that if you put out positive energy positive energy will come back to you. So that's what I am focusing on- sending out positive energy and hoping that it comes back soon. I left work this afternoon early and went and got my oil change- the guys at the oil change place are super fun...I go there often and they make me laugh....then I went and got a pedicure. Now I am catching up on Project Runway while procrastinating cleaning!! Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Smiles are few....

and far between this week. Work has been really stressful and it is just making really cranky- which is no fun. I am excited that I am spending this weekend at home because the next few weekends are very busy. The place where I live has a hot air balloon festival this weekend. I am excited...it is always a good time and the weather is actually supposed to be nice. I may not have had much to smile about this week- but I am smiling looking forward to the weekend!

Girls Time

This was a crazy stressful week at work and I was ready for the weekend. My sister in law and I shopping all morning. She is going away in a week and she needed "grown up" clothes. She needed a dress for a formal dinner. My sister in law, who I have the all the respect in the world for and is truly an amazing person, is a stay at home mom. She will be the first one to tell you that she stays at home with the kids in her pj's. So it's always fun when we get to go shopping. She tried on a whole bunch of dresses and found several that were perfect. It's always so much fun when we go shopping together and gives me some really great girl time that I never get to have. She makes me smile...I love the fact that we are close and that we are able to talk about anything. Knowing that she is always here and that we have the chance to go out and hang out for a while is always a welcome change.

Conversations

I commute about 40 minutes to work every day. It's a long drive, but allows me to talk (on a handsfree headset) to several members of my family. It has become a tradition that I call my dad and my aunt in the morning and my mom, sister, sister in law in the afternoon. My dad has been in China and India for a few weeks and we haven't had our morning conversation. I talked to him last night to make sure he made it home safely but the conversation just isn't the same as it is when we are both driving to work in the morning. So this morning I called him and we caught up on everything going on in our lives. He gives me career advice in the mornings, we talk about just about everything. This morning we finally had a chance to talk about my grandfather and how he was doing...which was good. Like many people, my dad and I don't always see eye to eye when we are together. My parents live about 8 hours from here and I don't get to see them very often, but this connection that I maintain with my dad in the mornings is vital to our relationship. The past few weeks have been tough not having the option to call him and talk about whatever is on my mind at 6am. My routine was interupted and the day just didn't seem to start on the right foot. Today, I was able to have the conversation with my dad, and the day has started off the way it's supposed to.

Awesome Weekend!!!

I had the best weekend, sitting around watching movies, snuggling with the hubby and my cats. The need to take the time to recharge the batteries and just chill for a few days with no expectations, no timelines, no drives in the car is essential and something that I don't do nearly often enough. Being able to have the windows open was an unexpected surprise. I start class again this week...so it will be nice to dive back in with a clear head. I feel more centered than I have in a while and I am glad that I was able to take the time to just relax and do nothing for a change.

Open to the World

For the first time all summer, my windows are wide open. The breeze is cool, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. I hate having my windows closed, which comes from having them shut all winter long. The summer weather has been oppressive and we have not been able to have them open all summer. Today they are open to the world. I love the feel of the breeze in the house, the smell of the fresh air and the sunlight warming the floors. The cats have all chosen a window and are perched, enjoying the fresh air. It's gonna be a great day to curl up on the new deck with a nice book and sit and relax.

Absolutely, positively, nothing

I love the summer...I love the weather, the ability to be outside, the ability to actually travel places after being cooped up all winter by the snow and cold. I love that my extended family is only a four hour car ride away and they live on the water because that spot feeds my soul. My grandparent's house is the place where I go to center myself, balance myself and just be for a little while. My inlaws are only two hours away and there is always fun to be had with my sister in law and her kids. They make me laugh (most of the time) and they make me feel closer to family. I love visiting college friends and being part of their kids birthday parties or just having lunch. Although I sometimes forget what it feels like to sleep in my own bed and rarely have anything (besides gallons of pickles) in my fridge because grocery shopping is a weekend task and when your not home on the weekends you can't do it.
So I have declared this weekend a "I'm-not-doing-anything-after-I-run-my-errands-and-go-to-the-grocery-store-for-the-first-time-in-two-weeks". That means that I have been to the grocery store and cvs today, cleaned the house a bit and have put my comfy clothes on and am going to sit on my couch and do nothing for the entire weekend. I am not painting anything, hammering nails into anything, tiling anything, going to any store, nothing. I have warned my hubby that if he wants to stay home this weekend that he is not going to ask for anything to get done, not expect me to do anything, and he will sit on the couch and watch movies with me, maybe take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. I love the summer for all of the wonderful excitement, but I also love those lazy summer weekends when nothing gets accomplished except recharging the battery.

Love...revisited...

This was a whirlwind of a weekend- my grandfather had a heart attack on thursday night so I was on my way to Connecticut after work on Friday. He is going to be okay and all in all it was a good wake up call. The one thing that struck me is the relationship that my grandparents have and how other people notice it. They have been married for 55 years this past Friday. Their movements are in conjunction with each other- they naturally shift in one direction to support each other. When my grandfather was allowed to get up and walk on Saturday, they gripped hands and did laps around the very small CCU. The nurses all noticed and commented on how cute they were. I walked behind them desperately wanting to break the rules and take a picture so that I could remember that is what I would like my marriage to be like in 40 years. Their committment to one another is an amazing thing and I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to witness it.