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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Bumps and crashes

TV blaring, avoiding eye contact
Kindle out, reading something, trying to concentrate, knowing it's a useless task
Fidgeting, sitting and waiting.
Deep breaths, still waiting
Smiling, making small talk as they go in and out,
Finally, they call my name, I grab my bag and tuck my kindle into my purse
I know the routine, it's been a few months, but it's still the same
I change and am led to another room
this time, there's no distraction, no tv, no other people
I pull out my Kindle, read the same sentence five or six times, put it away
Pace back and forth
She comes in and smiles at me
More small talk, I hand her the cd I've chosen, turn down what she's offering
She smiles while she explains the next few hours
A small laugh from me, stuck in the back of my throat, I've done this too many times to count
Tells me it will be just another minute
I watch her walk out of the room, shoes squeaking on the floors, door closed for privacy.
I know that I need to calm myself- I start my deep breathing again, quietly close my eyes, find my happy place.
She comes back and we walk to the room- passing other people with their loved ones by their sides,
can't make eye contact, no reassuring words are passed,
Three hours for the first one, three hours of tuning out the banging and the crashing, my favorite music blaring, trying to stay in a relatively neutral state of mind
Don't move, a voice from above asks if I need a break, just get it done, you should know that, but it's someone new since the last time.
An eternity later they pull me out- she brings me back to my room- no loved one waiting for me- I need to be in control- I need to hear it- to experience and then put it away
She comes back with her kit- and I sit and she chats away- catch up on what's gone on since the last time I saw her- it is an odd moment for me- I know this person- she has been in my life for almost eight years- I have never seen her outside of this place this room.  Her child was a baby when I started there- now in school and growing up. For the few minutes she's there I can forget about the sterile cold environment, the testing, the needles, and have a normal conversation.  I don't know if she knows how important that is for me.
She leads to me different rooms for two hours- poked and prodded, I finally sit down with him.
The man who sat across from me in his office eight years ago and delivered news that shook me to my very core.  The man who has given me the odds, watched me beat them, seen me make decisions that I didn't ever think I was going to have to make.  He smiled at me- gave me a hug before I sat down.  Asked me about things in my life- told me about his family.  The small talk didn't feel uncomfortable or weird- it was normal.  He has used big scary words in that office- seen me at my worst and watched me pull up those boot strings and beat it.  I left, hopped on a train and thought about it as I pulled out my Kindle and started to concentrate on the words, I never thought I'd be here, but I am.
And tonight....I take a deep breath, close my eyes and know that I faced the monster once and I won- but I wonder when it's going to come out from under the bed for another round.


  1. It's NOT - you stop thinking that. It's been eight years - that is a long time in remission land.

    Breathe easy my friend, knowing if it does reappear you have your bootstraps firmly in your grip.

    And we're right here with you.

    Love and hugs - have an easy weekend.

  2. oh honey i know that monster under the bed is very scary but know that if you beat him once you can do it again. but i'm thinking he is to afraid of you to even come out he knows you kicked his butt once you can totally do it again.

    hugs my darling

  3. It's never going to come back and scare you....I pray that it doesn't.....*hugs*

  4. that monster is history! you just keep on keepin' on and come vent to your friends anytime you feel a fear sneaking in on you. we'll spill some whompass on those fears!