Bumps and crashes

TV blaring, avoiding eye contact
Kindle out, reading something, trying to concentrate, knowing it's a useless task
Fidgeting, sitting and waiting.
Deep breaths, still waiting
Smiling, making small talk as they go in and out,
Finally, they call my name, I grab my bag and tuck my kindle into my purse
I know the routine, it's been a few months, but it's still the same
I change and am led to another room
this time, there's no distraction, no tv, no other people
I pull out my Kindle, read the same sentence five or six times, put it away
Pace back and forth
She comes in and smiles at me
More small talk, I hand her the cd I've chosen, turn down what she's offering
She smiles while she explains the next few hours
A small laugh from me, stuck in the back of my throat, I've done this too many times to count
Tells me it will be just another minute
I watch her walk out of the room, shoes squeaking on the floors, door closed for privacy.
I know that I need to calm myself- I start my deep breathing again, quietly close my eyes, find my happy place.
She comes back and we walk to the room- passing other people with their loved ones by their sides,
can't make eye contact, no reassuring words are passed,
Three hours for the first one, three hours of tuning out the banging and the crashing, my favorite music blaring, trying to stay in a relatively neutral state of mind
Don't move, a voice from above asks if I need a break, just get it done, you should know that, but it's someone new since the last time.
An eternity later they pull me out- she brings me back to my room- no loved one waiting for me- I need to be in control- I need to hear it- to experience and then put it away
She comes back with her kit- and I sit and she chats away- catch up on what's gone on since the last time I saw her- it is an odd moment for me- I know this person- she has been in my life for almost eight years- I have never seen her outside of this place this room.  Her child was a baby when I started there- now in school and growing up. For the few minutes she's there I can forget about the sterile cold environment, the testing, the needles, and have a normal conversation.  I don't know if she knows how important that is for me.
She leads to me different rooms for two hours- poked and prodded, I finally sit down with him.
The man who sat across from me in his office eight years ago and delivered news that shook me to my very core.  The man who has given me the odds, watched me beat them, seen me make decisions that I didn't ever think I was going to have to make.  He smiled at me- gave me a hug before I sat down.  Asked me about things in my life- told me about his family.  The small talk didn't feel uncomfortable or weird- it was normal.  He has used big scary words in that office- seen me at my worst and watched me pull up those boot strings and beat it.  I left, hopped on a train and thought about it as I pulled out my Kindle and started to concentrate on the words, I never thought I'd be here, but I am.
And tonight....I take a deep breath, close my eyes and know that I faced the monster once and I won- but I wonder when it's going to come out from under the bed for another round.

Thursdays list

Things to smile about this week
More pinky promises from kids to spend extra time together
More I love yous
More hugs
Great phone calls
Reconnecting finally
Prospects, new and exciting on the horizon
Sun being up when I leave for work and when I come home
A whole week in my house- no hotel rooms
Making goal for another month
Taking a deep breath- holding it just for a minute- and knowing as you exhale that minute of stress is going with it
laughing out loud when you realize that you have been muttering under your breath- just keep swimming, just keep swimming like Dori from Finding Nemo
A class that is challenging
Wine night
Melting snow and that one square foot in my front yard of grass
Hope that you all found something to smile about today..and if not today then I wish you double smiles tomorrow, a heart full of hope and a moment of peace.  Hugs!!

day off and a minute to breathe

Finally...
I am currently enjoying a day off in my very messy house in my pjs.  I opted out of a pedicure and a massage cause it's freezing out here and I don't want to go anywhere.  So I am spending the day catching up on the shows on my DVR and just kinda chillin.  I have a paper to write but am procrastinating on that and on cleaning the house.  We spent the weekend up north again for the nephew's blue and gold dinner.  My nephew had hockey yesterday and my sister in law and I took my oldest nephew to see a movie yesterday....we had a good time.
Work has been insane...just makes me tired..
However, just for today, for the next five hours I am ignoring the outside world.  I am sitting on my couch, in my pjs, playing too many facebook games, catching up on all of those shows that I enjoy watching that I haven't been around to watch.  So nice to just have a day that I don't have to worry about work..worry about anything at all- just tune out the world...I may not be able to stop the world and get off...but this is awfully close...

Thursday's List...sort of

Wow it has been a whirlwind of activity going on in my corner of the world lately...

Where to start?

Boston was good...nice to get out of town...even if it seemed slightly silly at the time....the hockey game was fun..who knew that it was such a big game...not me...but it was fun..

Got back from there and settled into my new desk at work...lots of changes going on there...still to be determined if they are going to work themselves out..well they will..one way or another I suppose..

I got an A in my last class....so that's exciting...only three classes left...June 20th can't get here soon enough..

The weekend was great....my nephew played hockey...we spent hours making centerpieces for this weekend...pinewood derby and lots of snuggle time....leave it to the kids to always put a smile on my face.

Lots of work this week and little progress made towards my goal for the month...but here's hoping that when the full moon goes away the crazies will go back into hiding for a month..

It was warm today...almost 45 degrees....it was nice going outside at lunch time...

We are headed back up north for the weekend...nephew's blue and gold dinner for boy scouts and I am hoping some movie time with the kids while the boys watch the Daytona 500 on Sunday...

Monday I have the whole day off.  I have a paper due Monday night but I am definitely scheduling some sleep in time...a pedicure and maybe even a massage.  

A family member of mine is making some really bad choices and I have refused to get involved...I feel like I should but they are her choices to make....her kids are safe at the moment...but I am watching the situation....I really want to smack some sense into her...but that's won't do any good...hopefully she comes to her senses soon.

I know that some of you have some stuff going on...sending out hugs to you all and hoping that things get better real soon...for everyone....

Sorry gang...

Stressed to the max
Ready for vacation
I am just plain exhausted.  I have started a blog post and not finished it.
I have tried to get caught up on all of your posts...but have been bad about commenting..
Smiles this week:
Spending time with my hubby
Starting a new class
Potential on the horizon
Snuggling with kitties
New Shoes...

Know that I am sending hugs and lots of positive energy vibes out to you all....I hope that you smile a bit brighter today, hug a bit tigher and have at least one wish come true...whether for chocolate ice cream or for flowers from your sweetie..

I'm back....

and working on a real post...but in the meantime...
my smile today is courtesy of one of the kids..the youngest nephew on my hubby's side...
I made him cry yesterday...
We were making centerpieces for his brother's blue and gold dinner next weekend.  I was using the scissors that he wanted....he used his best puppy dog eyes, some pretty rapid explanations as to why he should be able to use them....and I said no...he was very upset and I made him cry..he reminded me this morning that I made him cry last night...
After the pinewood derby today, we went back to my sister in law's house and he snuggled up on the couch next to me and said "auntie, I want to tell you a secret".
Me= Okay what
Nephew- Lean down here
So I leaned my head down and he very carefully tucked me hair behind my ear.
He leaned in and I honestly thought he was going to lick me or something.
He smiled and whispered " I love you best" and gave me a kiss
my heart melted.

More snow, ice and a trip

It has been snowing here again....combined with ice and there is a mess out there....but that's okay...winter up here I guess.
I am sick again....I am all stuffy and really feel kinda gross so I have stocked up on lots of OTC medications and some more solution for my netti pot. A side not about my netti pot- I LOVE it!!  I bought it last year and although the thought of it made me a bit squeemish it is the only thing that helps the pressure in my head when I get all stuffy like this.
I leave tomorrow for a business trip...just going down to Boston for a few days...it's our national sales meeting...it is usually a pretty good time.  We are going to the hockey game tomorrow night.  I don't like hockey.  I have never liked hockey.  I grew up in a town that was at the heyday of hockey and still don't like it.  However, tomorrow night we will be at what some are calling the game of the year.  I am still not really looking forward to it.
Other than that....it's been a crazy week as always.  I am ready for a vacation- ready to go away.  But still a few months left til that happens.  At least it's something to look forward to.

Procrastination

is what I am great at.  I have about 4 pages of the 12-15 page paper written.  I was on a roll and then we had to go pick up hubby's truck.  So instead of hopping right back into it I have spent the last ten minutes playing on facebook and reading blogs. And now I am writing a blog post.
Procrastination is that one last video game, one last phone call, one last row of knitting that needs to be done before you put it down.
Procrastination is the- I -will-do-it-at-3:15 time stealer who makes the minutes move faster...
Procrastination is a friend, that bring you chocolate when you are down, I'm always here for you, Lean on my friend who you can always count on.
Procrastination is the lover who entices you to stay in bed, warm, snuggled up instead of facing the day.
Procrastination is the I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar when other's realize that instead of doing what you are supposed you are doing something else.
Procrastination is the adrenalin rush to get something done by a deadline- never mind what you had to do yesterday and the time you spent doing something else.
Procrastination is my friend, my biggest enemy and someone with whom I have grown quite comfortable.
No, I will never be the person who gets things done a week before they are due-
Never be the one who has everything done for the party way before people come
Never be the one who is 100% prepared for people to come early.
I am sure that there are support groups out there, self help books and a million and one things that I could get that would break me of this habit-
I would miss the adrenalin, miss the frantic need to get it done right now feeling, switch the internet browser you are using, don't worry about it- it will get done feeling of procrastination.
But it is now 3:15...my self imposed time limit to stop messing around and get it done so i can watch the game tonight.

Hi, my name is Nicole and I am a procrastinator....anyone else out there?  Or did you figure you could write one last blog post before coming to the meeting?
Hugs!!

Grrr...

It's been that kind of morning today.
Hubby and I had a long conversation yesterday afternoon on my home from work about all of the things that we needed to get done today....including but not limited to haircuts, grocery shopping, some errands for my trip this week, etc.  We planned out how things were going to happen and approximate time frames (really I am not that anal usually about weekend plans but he needs structure these days and there are things that I need to get done on top of the paper that I need to write for my class).  This conversation took place at about 3:30 yesterday.
Fast forward to 5:30 and I get a text message from him....I made an appointment to take the truck in at 8:30 tomorrow morning.  I need your car for the day cause I have to go into the office.
I texted him back that we would talk about it when he got home.
This really irked me for several reasons, the conversation we had already had about everything that needed to get done withstanding
1) He has had problems with his truck for the last six months.  He has scheduled several appointments for his truck in the last six months and has cancelled every one of them so that we can travel up to his parents house because they have snapped their fingers and demanded that we asked that we  come up.  These are not issues that needed to be fixed immediately
2) He has no idea how much money he has in his checking account at any point in time.  Usually he will call and discuss it with me to make sure that there will be money to pay for such repairs (this will be the second time in the last three months that the amount is above $1000 for repairs on his truck)
3) In our previous conversation I had asked him if he needed to go into the office on Saturday and he said no- that he was going there before he came home.

So I was a little peeved when he got home...we sat down to dinner and started talking and I asked him if he recalled the conversation he and I had about the errands we were getting done first thing on Saturday morning.  He looked at me like I had ten heads and said well I didn't think that we had put anything in stone about them.  We can do them on Sunday.  To which I tried to calmly remind him I had a paper to write and that the game was one etc.  and then he walked away.  I asked him why he needed to go to the office- which he said that he decided not to go tonight and to go in the morning...which is fine but he has been gone for six hours....with my car- so I can't even get all the stuff done that I need to get done because I don't have a car.
I understand that things happen and I know that we need to fix his truck.  I even know that he travels a ton and that all of this will be better for the truck.  I know that the weekend is the most logical time for it to get done because we are both home and both of our vehicles are in the driveway.  And yet it still upsets me.
Sounds silly doesn't it?  I am writing this going I can't believe that I am actually going to post this but I am upset about the whole thing (and what's a blog about if not to be able to vent).
I just wish that he had stopped...for five seconds and thought about getting this done.
That he had picked up the phone and talked to me about it....and asked to use my car today...because of course he can...because I am a logical person and rearrange my schedules to accommodate things like this...but I guess I am irked because he didn't think about asking...think about making sure that it was "okay" with me....
I know that there are bigger things out there....but man....this one got right under my skin....

thursday's List

Wow...lots to smile about today...
I had the BEST day at work.  I had a conference call with a huge customer that went really really well....makes me happy and will be a nice bump to my pocketbook when they start using their cards.
I made a very dear blog friend smile...it warms my heart when I hear that the words that I write make people happy....especially because I have come to care so much about you all...
I got home tonight and am currently sitting curled up with my kitties in my pjs in my house....I have become quite a homebody...can't wait to curl up in bed next to my hubby
My homework was done early this week.  Now I have to get my final paper done.
I am quite excited about the game this weekend...I am looking up some good home town recipes for snacks on Sunday.
I am almost done with the week and I am going away next week.  granted it's for a sales meeting..but it will be nice to get out of here for a couple of days.
Cutest text message ever from my sister in law today to my hubby.  One of the kids said that he was used to us being there for holidays so he wanted to make sure we were going to be there for Valentines Day.  Guess I have to go do some valentine's day shopping for them....Dollar store here I come.
Other than my hubby and the kitties the one thing I miss more than anything while I am away from home is my shower.  I have one of those great big rain type shower heads....I am going to go take a nice long shower in a few minutes.  I can't wait!!
Hope that you are all nice and cozy warm and not expecting any more storms this weekend...we are scheduled for another 8 inches on Saturday....I will take some pictures tomorrow of the piles of snow that are EVERYWHERE right now...
hugs and love to you all!!

Warm and Fuzzy Award

A little while ago Chief aka Dad over at Unsound Reasoning gave me this award

He gave me an award because he liked a blog post that I had written.  It made me smile when I saw it and when I look at the picture on my sidebar it always makes me smile.  There are no rules to go along with the award.  I have been reading and I know that there is one person who needs some warm and fuzzies right now- she's going through an awful lot.  She does so much for all of us- she leaves encouraging comments, comments on every single post and I swear people are drawn to her because she gives so much of herself.  I think that all of you know her- but I do think that she needs to feel the love- so I am passing this cute little guy along to Barb over at This and That
Go show her some love if you haven't already- but Barb- know that you give me the warm fuzzies every time I see your comments and posts,  Love ya girl!!

Alone Time...

Tonight I am in the hotel alone....I miss my hubby..but am grateful that he is home safely. The snow wasn't as bad today as they thought it was going to be- only about 18 inches of snow. The road we actually not too bad tonight..I grabbed a sandwich for dinner and am just hanging out in the hotel with my text book sitting here taunting me to get homework done.
Today's smiles? There weren't a lot of people at work today so we were actually pretty busy. It was a pretty solid day as far as work was concerned. We have our national sales meeting next week- which means more time in a hotel...but getting out of town which is always a good thing!!
The ground hog didn't see his shadow today...and as I read it amidst the 60 mile an hour winds outside and the snow flakes that were falling it made me hopefully that just maybe winter would be a bit shorter than normal this year.
I am sending out smiles to people tonight- lots of them..
People who are in Australia and affected by the cyclone- and those who are at home worrying about them
People who are worried about the future-
People who continue to deal with major life-changing decisions,
People who are dealing with the snow, sleet, ice etc today
Sending out a smile to anyone who reads this and needs one....I care about you all and hope that all is going well..

Not so alone time

The snow has started....we are supposed to see a break between today's storm and tomorrow's but that hasn't happened yet.  Not sure when it is going to stop snowing.  But all in they are saying 24 inches of snow when all is said and done.
Hubby surprised me tonight and came down here and is currently sitting next to me on the bed playing on his laptop.  Kind of nice to have the tables turned that he has his head stuck in the computer.
It is awesome that he is down here.  I am happy that he came down....makes it even more like a getaway.
I agree with everyone who posted that it's nice that the front desk person recognizes me- but it means that I have been here way too often lately!!
Hope that everyone is doing well...and weathering this storm the best you can....hugs to you all...