Adult...

I remember when I was younger, 

I was always in such a rush to grow up,

to go to high school,

to go away to college, 

to be out on my own,

to get married,

to buy a house...

I want to write a letter to my sixteen year old self and say two words:

SLOW DOWN

Not that I didn't enjoy my youth...because I certainly did...

I did everything I could to make sure that I was getting everything I could out of the moment that I was in...

but there always seemed to be more out there..

more to do...

more to want to accomplish..

more to dream about..

There are still dreams...

There are still things that I want to do..

there is still more..

but these days, I find myself with all of these "adult" responsibilities...

I wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy those cast parties a bit more, go to more parties, hang out more with friends, go to the beach more, take a day with your closest girlfriends and blow off your college classes and just hang out....because that time is fleeting...you can never get it back..

These days it's almost an act of congress for all of us to get together because we are all in different cities...different places in our lives....we schedule months in advance and hope that nothing comes up....I would give just about anything to be able to pop over to the next room and say hey, let's go hang out...or if we are having a particularly tough night to just get out of here and go for a ride..

These days conversations are about kids and replacing the roof on the house...or what R value insulation is or what the best kind of paint is to use.

I miss the spontaneity of my youth....

I think that the adult responsibilities are dragging me down a bit the past few weeks....I think it's time to pull out the calendars and schedule a girls weekend....even if it does have to be in October....

Hugs and love to you all 

Emotions...

This has been a particularly emotional time for me over the last week or so...
Grandfather in the hospital (he is doing great though...back to his old self again)
Work has been a bear
Hubby and I have been missing a piece of communication
Six years since I lost someone so very special to me..
Kids are getting older...
An argument that I fear has altered the status of the relationship with my sister forever is still going on..
and just "stuff"..
I have been spending a lot of time evaluating the emotions that I am feeling..
I am usually pretty good at stuffing everything down and then curling up with a good book that is guaranteed to make me cry to get it all out...
I feel like all of my emotions are right on the surface lately...
The smallest crack,
an off hand comment,
A conversation...
The smallest things have me wanting to run for the hills.
I think the thought of losing someone who is so close to me has left some pretty major fissures right beneath the surface...
And has brought up a lot of worry about the people I care about...
I told hubby that I need a cabin in the woods...my kindle....several bottles of wine and cool enough weather that we can light a fire at night...
He said that the problem with that is that I would never want to leave...and he's probably right...
We do have a vacation scheduled the end of August...we are going to Vegas for four days with my brother and his boyfriend....I can't wait to see them...
I can't wait to spend some time with my brother and just hang out and laugh and have fun...
to forget about being an adult for a few days and just sit back and take in the sites and sounds of another city...
get lost for a few days in the buzz of a city....in an unfamiliar face...to just take a break from every day life...
I need to figure out a way to resolve the emotions...or at least thicken up my skin so that the emotions don't show themselves quite as readily....
Hugs and lots and lots of love to you all!!

Jumbled

My mind is jumbled tonight...
Too much going on....
grandfather is doing well....
Work is work....
big project...lots going on...
which is good.
I am craving peace...
no distractions.
A little cabin by the lake..
a charged Kindle with lots of books
a couple of bottles of wine...
nice warm days and nights cool enough to light a fire...
Solidarity...
Hubby is there..
Driving through the back woods...
looking for moose..
which is really just an excuse to drive around.
really connecting...
talking..
just being together..
taking pictures...
laughing,
exploring,
relaxing..
no cell service..
no internet..
Just a few days of peaceful existence without the distractions of life..
A few days to process the worry..
to check in with each other..
to check in with myself..
Might need to happen one of these weekends.
This weekend however is therapy of a different sort..
Two wonderful children,
Shopping with my sister in law for the "perfect casual yet put together outfit"
A camp fire..
Some good wine..
laughing..and probably a few tears...
Family can provide a very different sort of therapy.
People who care about you but who are removed from the situation...
deep breaths before going back to the craziness...
four more days to get through..
a goal to meet at work..
and then a break from our reality....or an extension of it..
Summer is almost over...and I feel like it's just begun...
Time to squeeze whatever is left of the moments we have left before school starts for them...
I miss you all and hope that you are able to carve out moments of peace in the craziness in your corners of the world.
Sending hugs, love and positive thoughts on the back of the gentle summer breeze..

Doing okay

Thank you all for your thoughts...
My grandfather is doing okay...
He is home and I spoke to him today...
I cried..
he told me not to worry...
I told him..
For the last eighteen years,
I have been close enough,
A quick trip away..
A car ride..
Whenever anything happened..
I could be there..
To hold his hand..
to dry my grandmother's tears...
To help
To smile..
to try my best to make it okay..
this weekend..
I wasn't able to do it..
I looked up plane flights...
It would have taken a whole day to get there with connections...
Not to mention a lot of money..
Not that I wouldn't have spent it..
I would have..gladly..
to hold his hand..
to talk to his doctor...
to pour the wine..
to dry my grandmother's tears..
But...
I know it wouldn't have been long enough...
I now know that there will be a next time...
I just need to get down there before it's for a next time..
To visit
And laugh...
and see them together..
and take lots of pictures...
I am grateful that there will be a next time....
My best friend put things in perspective for me..
she doesn't have any grandparents left...
She knows how close I am with them...
She told me that it will be tough...
But she also told me it will happen...
I guess that's the circle of life that we all think about..
Live your life....make an impression and we all have to die..
I am just glad that I am not getting ready to face that last goodbye...
not yet anyway..
again, a million thank you's for your comments....and your positive thoughts and prayers....
I knew you were out there....I felt the energy...
have an amazing week!!

Extra Thoughts needed tonight

There are some days when I realize how far I am from my family.
I talk to my family a lot.
My aunt every  morning...
my mom twice a night...
My grandparents usually every other week..
Tonight, I realized how far away I am...
My mom called tonight on my way home and told me my grandfather is in the hospital.
He is the man who spoiled me..
helped me climb trees,
always had a hug,
He was there through college...
no matter what I needed, he would be there...
With a hug, a stern talking to or a handkerchief to wipe away my tears.
When they were in the next state over and I would go there to my favorite rock on the beach...
he would give me my space,
but he would always come find me just when I needed to talk...
He was the first one to meet hubby...
first one to tell me that he was a keeper..even though we were just friends.
Hubby asked him if he could marry me....
They moved a couple of years ago...to South Carolina...which tonight feels like a world away...
He has a staph infection and they had to do surgery to remove it cause it was too close to his spine.
And I will admit....i am worried...
all of a sudden, my pops who was always there, always young enough to keep up, sounds old...
I know the day will come when he won't be here any more and honestly it makes me sick to my stomach...
so tonight, I ask a favor of all of you....
Please send thoughts...
Prayers
Positive juju...
whatever it is...
Cause i am not ready for that day yet...
Send them to him....because I think he's gonna need it...but I wouldn't mind if you through a few my way too...
Love and hugs...

I thought of you today

Hey, it’s me.

I thought about you today…

Which really isn’t anything new. 

I think about you everyday.

Maybe because I know that the date is coming.

Maybe because I have needed you a lot lately.

Maybe simply because I miss your smile. 

Or your purposeful hugs.

I wonder what you think of me…my life…

I wish you could see that I finally understand that lesson you tried to teach me so many years ago.

I remember like it was yesterday….

I was young…around 10 or so…

We were at Gram’s house and the whole family was there…

There were lots of kids and a couple of new babies around.

I went into another room….

I started drawing…

You noticed I was gone…

You came to find me..

Asked me what I was drawing..

I showed you …

A picture of a heart…

One that is fractured…

I was feeling like all of the additional kids meant that people loved me less, because I didn’t require so much attention.

Instead of telling me I was silly, you grabbed a piece of paper and a purple crayon.

You drew a heart and wrote my name in it….

Then you kept drawing bigger and bigger hearts, putting everyone’ s names in those heart.

You explained to me that I was special.

I was the oldest and the first

I was the one who taught them how to love grandchildren

My part of their heart never got any smaller,

The heart just kept growing.

But at the middle, was me…because I was the first.

You hugged me and we talked for a while.

From that day forward, you always knew when I needed to be reminded…

Needed a little bit of extra love.

Your monkey sits on my bookshelf….knotted arms, just the way you left it.

Sometimes, when I need that extra love, I pull it down and hug it….

I know that you are with me….

I feel you at times that I am incredibly happy…

And at times when I need something….

I remembered it’s been almost six years since I last saw your smile.

Six years of life, that you haven’t been able to be part of…

Of learning the lessons as nieces and nephews are born that your heart just gets bigger to encompass the love that you feel…

Of growing up

Of ups and downs

Of happiness and tears..

I just thought you should know…

I thought of you today…and I miss you

The Power's out

Today was my first and last day of work for the week.
My parents are coming into town on Wednesday and I can't wait to see them.
Life has been swirling around me
Lots to do to get ready for the visit.
last night however, we stopped for a while.
The power went out.
All electronics were shut down and deemed unnecessary for the evening.
We played a game by the light of the sun.
In those few hours, we reconnected, talked, laughed and were not distracted.
At the root of our relationship is a love and a trust that is so vital to my being.
Talking about nothing and everything at the same time, I wondered how much we had lost on this rollercoaster ride.
I was able to stop and just listen, with no judgements about his concerns about my parents coming.
He is worried that he isn't providing enough,
that they will judge.
No matter how many times I tell him they won't, he will still feel that way.
We got to the root of the matter last night, in the silence of the house, over a Scrabble board.
While I don't agree with him, I do understand his concerns.
While I may not be able to alleviate them, I listened.
I talked
He talked
We understood each other.
There was no humming of the refrigerator,
no television drowning in the background,
no computers,
no internet
no lights except for the natural light streaming through the curtains that we so rarely open.
The moments of silence while one or the other of us was concentrating on coming up with a word
Realizing how differently we play the game,
but understanding and complementing the strategy.
We moved together in unison, although apart.
Our world slowed down last night,
our conversations, some deep some not, were not drowned out by the distractions of life.
When the power was restored, we didn't turn the tv or the computer on.
We finished our game and went to bed early.
Staring at the glowing stars in the guest room where we had moved the bed, just laying there talking to each other, hashing through what needs to be done, what should be done this summer.
Listening as his breathing deepened and he fell asleep,
I felt closer, felt the axis of my world again without all the outside distractions.
I was at peace with the craziness, knowing that as long as we turned off the distractions for a little while, we would take on the world together..