Saying goodbye

I haven't posted in  a while.   It has been a craptastic few months asked I am ready to put 2014 behind me. 
I haven't posted because I haven't had much positive to say.  
When I look back on this year there are mixed emotions. 
I feel at this point that there are more lows than highs and the rollercoaster got stuck in a perpetual free fall.
Not that there haven't been good points.   I had probably the best year career wise in the last ten years.   Lots was accomplished and I feel like for the first time people took me seriously.   Great things were accomplished and in more than one way work saved me this year.   Lots of challenges but many that I was in control of and it allowed me the one place where I was able to forget about everything else that went on. 
The last few months have seen the loss of one of my cats and some news about hubby ' s health yay have left me reeling.   He will be okay. .. but there are some challenges that we will need to face in the coming months.
Tonight,  we are staying in... just the two of us and hanging out.  Enjoying some peace and quiet after a whirlwind trip to South Carolina for Christmas and lots of family time.  
I have laid in bed many nights and composed blog posts in my head and never actually typed them out.  So many things to say and no desire to put it out there because it hasn't been happy or even coherent most of the time.  
As we close the chapter on another year tonight,  I am making a commitment to myself to be better at writing it out.   This helps me process and gets it out of my head.
I can't promise that it is going to
be happy..
I can't promise that I won't get mired in the seriousness of what is going on.
I can't promise that I am looking for the best parts of this right now. ..
But it will be real. .. and if you want to ride the rollercoaster you know I would love the company. .. but i wouldn't blame you for getting off the ride.
Please know that I think of you all often... and I read your words even when I dont comment.   My wish for you as we enter the new year is happiness,  love,  health and lots of laughter.   Be safe tonight if you are out celebrating and I will see you in 2015.

Best news ever

I haven't posted in forever.
I have no excuse except for life.
Today...I have an amazing reason to smile..
I needed to share.
My best friend..
Who has fought the battle of her life. .
Chemo..
Sickness
Tiredness
Beat it.
She found out today that she is cancer free and DONE WITH CHEMO
The breath we have all been holding was the strong breeze out there today as we let go today.
To paraphrase one of my other favorite people and fellow blogger
LIFE IS A GIFT. .SMILE OFTEN..LOVE ENDLESSLY AND CELEBRATE ALL THINGS...
Love and hugs to all of you

Some goodbyes are just so hard to say

And yet we hug...
We squeeze extra hard
Bite your bottom lip.
Hold it together..
Not allowed to cry...
Not allowed to even think it...
Everything is fine...
I will see you next time...
Bite your bottom lip..
Keep holding it together...
Get in the car...
Try and make small talk...
Talk about silly little things with someone else...
Give her a big hug when you leave...
Bite your bottom lip...
Keep holding it together...
Check in...
The tears threaten...
Deep breath..
Bite your bottom lip...
Hold it all together...
Security..
Smile at the silly jokes...
Smile at the kids excited for their first disney trip...
The girls in front of you talking non-stop about this trip...
Best friends..two weeks before senior year starts heading off on some adventure of a life time...
One tears escapes and you bite your bottom lip harder...
Trying to keep it together....
Another deep breath....
Waiting to get home...
To his arms...
Who will hug me tight...
Who will understand all the unspoken thoughts...
And who will understand when I dont keep it together...

Patterns

It is amazing to me how much can change in a matter of six weeks....
People spout the saying all the time that things can change in a moment...
But have you ever lived that
Every moment of every day has the potential to alter the very universe ypu live in.
One moment, one decision makes a difference in the fabric of your life...
Some times a new pattern starts
Some times the pattern you have worked on so diligently starts to unravel...
You lose all of the work you have put in..
A new pattern will always start..just not the way you think it will...
What does the fabric look like when its done??
I am never sure that it truly finishes...I mean we are all so interwoven that when your fabric ends someone else's picks up...
While you get to choose who is interwoven into your fabric....you dont get to choose the patterns they create....so their pattern interwoven with your may clash...may make everything chaotic.....or it may compliment the pattern that is already being woven....

Day one

I was laying on my back on an unfamiliar bed last night staring at the ceiling...
Contemplating my day...
Travel was early but easy..
Hubby drove to the airport...
Reminding me if I needed anything to tezt or call...
Walking out of the airport at my final destination...
Seeing her with no hair but her huge smile made me happy....and kinda sad....
Talking...all day...around the table...
Just like old times...but oddly not...
We talked about everything but cancer....
Which I expected...
When the subject was brought up someone else sitting at the table would change the subject...
We finally got some alone time...
It took a few minutes for her to open up....
She did open up just a bit....and it broke my heart just a bit...
She is hopeful this will all go away with these treatments...
She knows that it may not but is choosing the positive...which is good.
Today brings a doctors appointment...we will see....

Tired

It has been a very long week..
Performance reviews for the first time.  It was an interesting week...
I am also getting ready for my trip to Pittsburgh.   I am worried, nervous and a little bit terrified.  It will be okay I am sure of it...but...there have been some emotions that have snuck in this week that I need to be able to put aside until I get home..
I am worried that I wont be able to help..
I am worried that I won't be able to keep it together..
I am worried that it will be different...
Every moment thinking that it might be the last....
Every moment wondering if it is enough.
I know that getting on a plane to come home will be one of the hardest things to do....
It is okay that it will be emotional...and like it or not I have been there so hopefully it will at least be someone who kinda understands....
I am most worried that it will be the last time. .
Push it all away
Lock it up
Leave the key to that box here when I go...
I know it will be okay...
I know that it is what she needs...
I know I will find the strength.
But it would be a lie if I didnt recognize that I am worried....
A piece of my heart and soul belongs to her....it has since for twenty five years...
I just hope that its enough to give her the strength she needs..
I just hope that in a week I can make sure she has a shoulder to lean on...an ear to bend and an understanding of how much she means to me...

MIA

Has it really been two months since I last posted??? Time flies when you are....well, time just flies. 
I am not sure if anyone out there is even reading anymore...but just in case..
Things have just been crazy as normally happens during the summer.
Work is good.  Making some positive changes and people seem to be happy with what I am doing.  I will take it.
Hubby is good.  Mason stuff has wound down for the summer...so we see each other before eleven pm.  Always a good thing..
I went to Pittsburgh at the end of may and had an awesome time.  Got to see a bunch of friends and hang out.  I am heading back there in ten days for not so happy reasons.  My best friend was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. ..she is in the middle of chemo now..so going down to see what kind of support I can provide.  Not so good.

My parents were up for the fourth of july for a few days...it was awesome to see them.  Always nice to have them in my space.

Other than that, nothing wild and crazy....hope that your corners of the universe are good and that you are all enjoying the summer (or winter depending)...hugs to you all

Mothers day

I think of you often....
Today is always the worst though...
Some holiday I dont get to celebrate because I am not holding you..
Some club that I cant be a member of because it wasn't meant to be.
Most days....I know there was some reason that I will never understand..
Most days I can hope for some other place where you are looking down and be secure in that knowledge...
Today...on a day when we celebrate mothers....I wonder
I wonder if you would have blue eyes and blond hair or if ypu have your daddy's dark features...
I wonder if you would have slept through the night or if we could have cherished late night snuggles...
I wonder if you would be getting ready for your first dance recital or if we would be playing baseball..
I wonder what your nickname would be or how your smile would have lit up the room.
I wonder how your laugh would have sounded....
How tightly you would have hugged...
How would you get along with your cousins who bring so many smiles to my face and how would you have pronounced your aunts name...
Would you sing silly songs at bed time...or love to splash in the bath...
I wonder about the look on your daddy's face when you cling to him when you fall down..
Most of all...today and most days...I wonder what it would be like to hear you call me mommy.

Spring time??

I think we can officially say that spring is here... and thank goodness for that... The snow is melting...with the side effect of two feet of water in the basement.... The furnace isn't working cause it was under water...but at least it's not 20 degrees out... Hopefully we will get that sorted this week.. Work is good.... One of my people told me the other day that I was doing a good job....so that was unexpected and quite fantastic to here... Life at home is good... just booked my annual trip to Pittsburgh...can't wait to spend some time with some people that are necessary for me to see at this point in my life.. Another year older this week....which is a little crazy...but not too bad...I am taking friday off for some me time...I can't wait....Hopefully that will include a massage and maybe even a pedicure.. I have been tangling and finally finished a bag that I have been working on... All in all it's been a good couple of weeks..crazy busy at work and at home...but good crazy.. Hope all is well in your corners of the world!! Sending hugs and lots of love!

Six month

Six months ago we said goodbye...wished good luck and said we'd see home in six months....
We worried with news of invasions of Syria and unrest in the middle east. 
Weeks ticked by...
Birthdays passed and so did the holidays...the number of weeks that he would be gone began to dwindle til we were counting down the days...
Today...standing at the airport as an observer, I watched as more and more people poured in....balloons, flowers, homemade signs surrounded us.   Cameras were out to capture the moment....
My nephews were excited..could barely stand still and when he came around the corner, they ran up to him.....
One of them just hugged him and cried...the other ran around him telling him all of the things that happened while he was away...my sister in law got a hug and started to cry...
Everyone applauded and thank yous for your service were heard from people getting off the plane. 
I stood back as tears escaped and witnessed one of the most moving displays of human interaction that I have seen in years...
While I didnt have my camera to capture the moments, they will be forever ingrained in my mind...
He is home and he is safe....this part of the family is whole again....and all is right, for just a moment, with our corner of the world...
I hope you are all doing well...send in love and lots of hugs to all of you....

A couple of smiles for you

Just a couple of things that have made me smile in the past couple of days... Coming home from a long day at work to my husband scurrying out of the laundry room with pj's straight from the dryer. Putting them on was about the most wonderful experience in my life! A text message from my hubby at 4am this morning: "I tried really hard not to wake you this morning when I got up, but I needed to make sure I told you I loved you and to have a good day" Unexpected reactions from people New art supplies ASking for help and then letting go of the project until that help was obtained. That's all I got tonight...but needed to share Hugs and love to the universe for all of you tonight!!

Insanity

Things have been a bit crazy in my world lately...not that insanity is a new thing for me but lots of new stuff to try and virtually no time for the learning curve..
I started my new job the day I got back from vacation and have been on turbo since then.
We haven't hired anyone for my old job yet so I do my new job during the day and the computer comes home with me to do my old job at night....Luckily for me, my new salaried position didn't start until today, so I was able to bank some good over time...
It is interesting...
Managing people is new and different every single day..
My poor husband has been told he's not allowed to have any expectations for me for the next month..which he totally understands but makes me feel like I am not holding up my end of the bargain at home....
He is still super involved in super secret Mason stuff so we barely see each other before eleven o'clock at night these days....
We did manage to have dinner together one night last week and it was great....we actually were able to catch up on each other's lives when we weren't battling falling asleep...I miss him and definitely need to figure out how to make that a priority...
We are up north this weekend visiting the kids, which is good cause we haven't seen them since Christmas...but they are growing up so terribly fast.  The youngest turned 7 on Thursday...it is really unbelievable sometimes to think about..
Kicking off what promises to be another busy month in April with new challenges every single day.
I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity, have realized that it's not possible to make everyone happy all the time and just doing the best I can with what I have available.  I have an amazing support system in my husband and am more and more appreciative of him every single day...
So, if I am absent more than usual, please know that I am thinking of you all and reading when I can....hugs and lots of love.

Catching up...

Isn't it funny how time goes by...
I realized  tonight that it's been almost a month since I posted on the blog...
Lots has happened...
but then again nothing at all..
My best friend is doing okay....she's surviving her treatment...and it has been nice that I have been able to help her through the process...
We were on vacation last week...
it was fabulous...
We were in the hot weather, swimming in the pool, drinking some adult beverages...
I found out today that I got a new job...
we announce to the team tomorrow....I am excited and terrified at the same time...
but it will be good..
I, like so many others, am sick of the winter weather and the prospect of more snow this week makes me a little nauseous...
other than that...not a whole lot is going on...boring, every day stuff...
I hope that you are all faring well in your corners of the world...
know that I think of you all often and miss you and this corner of the world...
sending hugs and lots of love today and always...

The world turns upside down

Green light..

Blinking on my phone..

A message on facebook..

"I just want to let you know that I am in the hospital"

Double take

Deep Breath

message back..

What do you mean?  What's wrong?

Waiting..

trying to breathe..

not knowing...

being too far away...

message seen..

nothing yet...

finally..

I am sick.  I am having slight kidney failure.  I will be okay.  Don't worry.

All of a sudden I can't breathe.

Tears in my eyes

No one home..

Another message...I will call you in a little while..

Quick call to someone closer..

Please find out what's going on and let me know.

Plane flights are expensive...

deep breaths...

All of a sudden, the world is starting crash down around me...

Just a little bit..

This person...

a friend..but so much more than that....25 years...she knows everything...

one of those friends...just with a look or a tone of voice...knowing exactly what she's thinking...knowing so much without saying anything...a sister in every way that's important...

There's no tone in a facebook message.  

I don't know...

I start to remember..

The silly notes, the sleepovers, the first boyfriends, the first dances...

the stupid fights, surviving high school together...the laughter, the bad choices and the good ones...the late night college calls,...the late nights when I was home visiting, drinking too much tequila one night and she held my hair back...growing up together, being there through everything..the late night calls now, might not be every day...every week or even every month..but two or three hours on the phone is not uncommon just to catch up...

struck by the sudden thought that those conversations may come to an end far before we are eighty years old sitting on the porch, drinking ice teas and reminiscing...like we planned when we were 12 years old...and talk about every time we see each other...

Finally a phone call, begging not to worry...

A week later and a diagnosis...

A treatment plan and hopefully a way to make it manageable..

Low dose of chemo, even though it's not cancer...Wegener's Vasculitis..

Google it...get lost in the internet...read some good..mostly bad...

I hear it in her voice...

I remember how that felt...

I know that I will need to stay strong for her...

not push...no expect too much..

Wanting to be there...wishing that it was closer than a plane ride..

Knowing that even when I go that I will need to come home..

She's scared...she's worried about the disease but also about everyone else around her...

Listening, cause that's the best I can do, knowing that she knows I am here...

Wishing I could take it away..

Wishing that she wouldn't have to go through it...

Trying not to let her hear how worried I am..

Scared to death that this isn't going to get better...

Scared that way too soon she isn't going to be on the other end of the phone...

Scared of that phone call coming in the middle of the night..

My heart hurts, 

The tears flow,

My breath catches,

The part of my soul that is tied to hers is wondering how, if anything happens, how it will ever be whole again...

For now, I hope and pray for the best possible outcome for her....

I try to stay strong while i talk to her, 

I hide the tears, 

I scour the web for good plane fares, 

and I cry...

Cry because I can't imagine my life without her on the other end of the phone..

Cry because I hate that she has to go through this...

Cry because she is one of the best people that I know and life just isn't fair...

So I ask for thoughts, prayers, love, miracles for her...and hope that there is someone out there listening....

Valentine's Day

On this day I, like many others, am thankful for my wonderful and amazing husband.
While I am a firm believer that you need to show love everyday and not just one day that some commercial CEO deemed it necessary, this year I am especially grateful for my husband.
There has been a lot going on lately...
He has his Masonic duties that have been taking over his evenings...
I have work..and a very dear friend who has just been diagnosed with a nasty disease that won't ever go away..
We have had some problems communicating lately...
and I am feeling disconnected...
He is always there for me...
no matter what...
I have pulled myself in...not talking....not dealing...just going through the motions..
I am especially grateful that he doesn't push...
He asks how I am doing..but doesn't pester me non stop..
I am grateful that he knows me well enough to know exactly what I need...
Even if it is a chocolate milkshake on his way home at eleven o'clock from his third meeting of the week ...
I am grateful that he gives me the time that I need to process...
That he knows that when I lash out or randomly start crying at a commercial that I just need a hug...or a snuggle..and often to not talk about it..
I haven't been writing here...or anywhere...and I know that I need to start again...because it is an outlet....
I have internalized a lot lately...and I know that I need to be better about that...
but he doesn't push...
he doesn't get angry (much)...
he doesn't hold it against me..
Instead, he gives me a hug...
he talks to me about everything else..
he does little things that make me smile...
he rolls over when he knows that I am not sleeping and pulls me close...
He rubs my back and he tells me that he loves me..
and i know that no matter what's going on in my life that I can get through it..
Because he is always there..no matter what...whenever I need him..and while I don't need a holiday to express all of those feelings...today I took an extra minute to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him.

Sending love and lots of thoughts on the moonbeams tonight...

Creativity

I have probably posted in the past about Zentangle.
It is something that my mother has been doing for a while and was actually just certified to teach.
As I am always looking for a new way to be creative, I have picked it up...
It is something I can do at night while sitting with hubby watching TV (instead of those ridiculously addictive facebook games)
It is something that you will find in the margins of my notebooks at work....particularly during long meetings..
It is an art that allows you to be concentrating on doing it....and let's you get into an almost meditative state while practicing...
For me, it's just something fun and creative....it will be one of those tings that I will have multiple sketch pads full of with no real idea of what I will do with it...
it opens those pathways in mind that allow me to feel creative..
Pintrest is full of amazing ideas and although you may base your idea off of something that you find, yours is going to come out looking unique and different...
Here are some pictures of what I have worked on this week...
Things are a bit insane (which is nothing new really) here and this is something that allows me to relax and zone out for a while..
Hope you are well...sending love and positive thoughts on the back of the wind to all of you tonight! Hugs

Some times things don't turn out like you want them to..

long awaited news today...

not really what I wanted to hear...

interesting opportunities..

where to go from here?

When you want something so badly..

a path that you have worked towards...

all the support is there...

but for some reason the next step doesn't take you down that path...

What do you do then??

You don't know what's going to be around the next corner...

sometimes it feels like an insurmountable mountain..

no matter how high you climb, 

how many twists, 

how many turns, 

How dark it gets, 

you can't seem to find the end..

The path changes, 

there's an off shoot..

not one that you expected..

not one you anticipated..

one that in some ways is good..

in other ways, 

you know when you take that first step,

there's an even higher mountain to climb,

more twists and turns..

and it feels like all of a sudden those supporters aren't there any more..

people stand in your way

block the path,

want you to give up..

to those people,

bring it on..

i will climb the mountain

around the sharp turns,

over the ledges you put in my way,

because I know that on the other side is the rest of the journey...

I will prove you wrong,

i will make it..

and when I look back...

I promise, you won't look nearly as big,

the obstacles, once conquered, will be merely memories...

because this is my path,

whether you think it should be or not, 

and you are not going to stand in my way.

Amazing night

I have kicked off my shoes,
Taken the bobby pins out of my hair,
and taken out the earrings that were dangling from my ears...
I spent yesterday evening shopping for the perfect dress with my husband..
and today running around, trying to find the perfect earrings to go with the dress I bought last night...
Getting my hair done
getting my nails done
finding that ever elusive perfect red lipstick
putting on makeup
Struggling to put on panty hose
finding a bracelet
making sure I could still walk in heels
straightening a bow tie
Going to an event where everyone seemed to know every one
being taken under someone's wing and being introduced around...
Witnessing a ceremony that I am not sure I entirely understood
being hugged and kissed on the cheeks by some very nice older men
and watching my husband honor his grandfather in a very personal way and starting down a path, following in his grandfather's footsteps.
Getting a bit choked up as he took an oath to honor their ways
As an officer who was appointed to his post
Knowing his grandfather did the same thing so many many years ago..
Being a supportive wife, even though there are things about this group that he can't share with me.
Knowing how much this means to him,
knowing that he does this for someone, who I never had the privilege of meeting, to honor him and his memory.
Then hanging out with those same people,
talking,
laughing,
enjoying just one glass of wine.
Talking about fundraising
making jokes
laughing
Tonight David, a year after joining, became an officer at his Masonic Lodge.
And although my feet hurt,
My head is a bit sore from the bobby pins
and I can't wait to get this makeup off my face,
I have never been prouder of him and his commitment to this
And I will do everything i can to support him in this.

I just love a man in a tuxedo...even more so when it is tails...and especially because he's all mine..

End of the night, but I love this picture (and my dress...I really did feel amazing tonight in this)

Hugs and love to you all!

Unexpected Visit

I saw you last night...
felt your smile..
heard your laughter...
Had a good long talk with you..
All of a sudden you were just there...
and the words poured out...
Just like it was yesterday...
The truth was that i have been thinking about you lately..
Knowing that it had been six years since we last spoke...
or more correctly, since I spoke to you..
and yet there you were clear as day as I slumbered...
We were in that little coffee spot...
me drinking tea...
you drinking your coffee...two sugars, no cream..
we ate a meal together just like old times...
I started to catch you up on my life..
and you assured me that you knew..
You gave me the advice...
validation..
that I have been so desperately wanting to hear from you...
I was mesmerized...
by your smile..
the light in your eyes...
the cadence of your voice..
it ended much too soon.
As the sun started to rise in the sky...
I knew it was ending...
I started to cry..
You hugged me...
I could feel your arms around me...
the best hugs ever...
you always poured your heart and soul into your hugs..
I have missed those hugs...
those few moments when I knew that you didn't want to be anywhere else...
just standing there, hugging me...
as you started to pull away,
I pulled you closer and started to cry...
you wiped the tears from my eyes...
told me not to worry...
that I would see you again...
and when I didn't see you,
you were watching,
loving me from afar...
that I never lost you..
you were always there...
You faded away...
I felt the sun streaming in the window and rolled over...
I heard the music of a wind chime..
and although it was just a dream,
I knew that it was real..