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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye, everything changes.
One moment in time, even though you think you are prepared, your world shatters for a second time.
Staring, dumbfounded, hearing those words....brain tumor...back...growing..
A million thoughts swirl, coherent sentences refuse to form.
You know, you should be listening....asking questions...and you hear the Charlie brown teacher...and lots of blah blah blah.
Because, you see, that isn't the way it is supposed to happen.
The walls are down...still being rebuilt from everything else that went on...it has only been a month since you went from fighting next to your husband through radiation treatments, second opinions, doctors consultations until finally, the treatments are  finished and you wait to hear whether or not they worked. Knowing that you don't have those answers yet, not knowing what that future holds.
And all of a sudden, the other shoe drops.
Those headaches you have been ignoring for months...
That random pain that you pushed through so that you could be there for him...
The sleepless nights, the medication changes, the nausea.
It was just supposed to be stress.
It was your body's way of reacting to feeling utterly helpless.
Maybe we should do scans...
How many times did people, loved ones, coworkers who know your history say that...
How many times did I wonder out loud to the doctor to be told it is just stress.
Finally relenting, because that fight was paused for a little while and nothing was working....nothing made the headache go away..
When you said the number...58 days..the doctor sat up and took notice...said ok..let's just be safe..
Lying there...perfectly still...with a.million thoughts going through my head.
It will be ok...
Be there done that..
And really karma can't be that unfair...
After everything with hubby..
After a cancer diagnosis and contiuing treatments with best friend...
It just can't happen...it just can't be..
And then it did.
All of a sudden, I am right back where I was years ago.
Facing the same thoughts
Facing a diagnosis
Facing a treatment plan that means poisoning your body and hoping it kills the bad things before it destroys everything else.
How do you say the words out loud...knowing you are breaking the hearts of those who love you..
How was I going make this okay....tell everyone I love it would be okay...when I didn't know it would be....when I didn't know where I would find the strength to fight..
Emotionally, I was still in pieces from everything with hubby...
Mentally, I didn't have a reserve of strength to pull from.. .I had used it all...my well was bone dry.
Talking about it was surreal..
I couldn't believe when I told my mom that I was saying the words again....that this was really happening...
It was a nightmare...and I wasn't waking up...it wasn't fading with the sun..
Six weeks...to start.
A handful of pills...Monday through friday.
No, the side effects aren't any less.
Iron counts are low
Red blood cell counts are on the very edge of being low.
28 treatments out of thirty done.
Endless nights on the bathroom floor
Weird shooting pain all over
Protein bars, six pretzels and juice...everyday..
Because that is all that will stay down...
Three am demons that visit...
Thoughts of mortality that swirl around.
The completely overwhelming desire to yell, scream and cry...which happens...at three am when no one else is around to see it.
The wall wasn't rebuilt..
And now..
Well, now it has been obliterated..
I can't even find a brick to start rebuilding it...
Emotionally raw...physically exhausted
But if you ask, I am just fine...because it scares the hell out of me to say anything else.
I am surrounded by amazing people in my  life...people who love me, who care about me and who will do anything I need...they all want to fix it...they all want to make it better...and they can't.  
I have to be strong...
I have to be positive..
I have to not give into the demons because they are unforgiving when they invade your mind..
But I am tired..
Tired of being strong..
Tired of smiling...
Tired of being "fine"
I needed to write.
I need to know that there is one place that I don't have to be fine.
It isn't going to be pretty...
It isn't going to be smiles...
My emotions need to come out...the good, the bad and the ugly...this is my safe place...the place that isn't invaded by someone I need to see when I wake up in the morning...when I go to work or the grocery store.
There are amazingly good things and people in my life...they will be documented too...so I can look at them and reread them.
But I need to be true to the other side.  The one I don't show often to people...because that is the reality of this disease...the reality of life at the moment..
It is my journey....one i wish i wasn't on...but we don't  always get to choose our paths...the only thing we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other...one day...one hour..one minute at a time...and hope that you make it out the other side in one piece.

1 comment:

  1. None of us know what lies beyond now. Any one of us could be where you are, tomorrow. While I have watched the person I loved more than life itself get taken away from me by this horrible thing, I cannot imagine what you are going through yourself. If I could make it all go away in an instant I would because I love you and adore you. You are such a great person and you were there for me when I was at a low point. You are stronger than you feel right now. You have an inner strength that will kick in and kick ass! If anyone can do this Nic,it's you, I wish you were closer because I would be there in a heartbeat to hold your hand, give you a hug, let you scream and shout and cry. I am always here though for you. Anytime...you know where to find me. I'm sending you every single powerful healing energy I can muster up. Love you my friend! XX