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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

This week

Honestly this week has kicked my ass.
I expected to feel better, being done with treatment..but I didn't
I was doing too much...trying to keep up.
I was getting in my own way...forced to eat because of low blood counts...but throwing up almost as fast as I was eating.
I look like I am shooting drugs...
The vampires were fed well this week with all of the blood work I have had done.
Trying to do it all...but failing miserably because I couldn't get out of my own way.
It was a rough one....topped with an epic meltdown because plans change.
I have to admit something...I am a bit of a control freak...
And having no control is killing me.
Asking for help or time is not my strong suit and I need it.  Desperately.
I can't do it all...and when I get that look that it is okay...
Or have someone tell me that I am trying to do to much makes me want to punch something...
It isn't an excuse...but my super woman cape...that I refuse to take off...is failing me right now.
I am in the fight of my life and you would think I would cut myself some slack...
Knowing that no one is especting me to move moutains...or even expecting me to do anything but simply fight is killing me.....
Cause you know what...it really isn't everyone else I am afraid of disappointing or letting down...it is myself.
No one has any expectations of me right now...just me...
And I am not meeting them.
I don't know how to not fix it..
I don't know how to slow down...
I don't know how to give myself time and space...
And right now...it is a lesson that I need to learn and I am failing...miserably at this one.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. Let me say this to you from my own experience. I too am a control freak. When Rich was so sick and in the hospital so often from his heart problems, I had the weight of the world on me. I had to keep my job because I got the insurance. I had to be on my game every day. I had a 10 year old son who I had to worry about being alone after school until I got home. I had to keep up with the finances, the house, etc. etc. I never wanted to ask for help from anyone. Just like you. And then the chest pains started in me. The knots in my stomach. The acid reflux. The migraines. I was making myself sick trying to be everything. I found a support group and within the first meeting, I realized I wasn't alone and I needed help. I started seeing a psychologist. I learned that asking for help was NOT a sign of weakness. I had to focus myself on where I needed to be, which was Rich's strength and rock and Mike's mom! Nothing else mattered. The bills could wait. The house could wait. Having someone come to help out is NOT a sign of weakness. In my opinion Nic, you do need others to help you through this. Then with the little bit of free time for yourself, you can focus inward!! That is the most important part of your health and well being. Don't be stubborn. YOU ARE NOT WEAK! YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! YOU ARE AN AWESOME WOMAN WHO JUST NEEDS A LITTLE HELP RIGHT NOW! I'd give anything if I was closer to you. I'd help you in a heartbeat. Talk to me anytime Nic. I'm always there. Love you kiddo! xx