Insanity

Things have been a bit crazy in my world lately...not that insanity is a new thing for me but lots of new stuff to try and virtually no time for the learning curve..
I started my new job the day I got back from vacation and have been on turbo since then.
We haven't hired anyone for my old job yet so I do my new job during the day and the computer comes home with me to do my old job at night....Luckily for me, my new salaried position didn't start until today, so I was able to bank some good over time...
It is interesting...
Managing people is new and different every single day..
My poor husband has been told he's not allowed to have any expectations for me for the next month..which he totally understands but makes me feel like I am not holding up my end of the bargain at home....
He is still super involved in super secret Mason stuff so we barely see each other before eleven o'clock at night these days....
We did manage to have dinner together one night last week and it was great....we actually were able to catch up on each other's lives when we weren't battling falling asleep...I miss him and definitely need to figure out how to make that a priority...
We are up north this weekend visiting the kids, which is good cause we haven't seen them since Christmas...but they are growing up so terribly fast.  The youngest turned 7 on Thursday...it is really unbelievable sometimes to think about..
Kicking off what promises to be another busy month in April with new challenges every single day.
I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity, have realized that it's not possible to make everyone happy all the time and just doing the best I can with what I have available.  I have an amazing support system in my husband and am more and more appreciative of him every single day...
So, if I am absent more than usual, please know that I am thinking of you all and reading when I can....hugs and lots of love.

Catching up...

Isn't it funny how time goes by...
I realized  tonight that it's been almost a month since I posted on the blog...
Lots has happened...
but then again nothing at all..
My best friend is doing okay....she's surviving her treatment...and it has been nice that I have been able to help her through the process...
We were on vacation last week...
it was fabulous...
We were in the hot weather, swimming in the pool, drinking some adult beverages...
I found out today that I got a new job...
we announce to the team tomorrow....I am excited and terrified at the same time...
but it will be good..
I, like so many others, am sick of the winter weather and the prospect of more snow this week makes me a little nauseous...
other than that...not a whole lot is going on...boring, every day stuff...
I hope that you are all faring well in your corners of the world...
know that I think of you all often and miss you and this corner of the world...
sending hugs and lots of love today and always...

The world turns upside down

Green light..

Blinking on my phone..

A message on facebook..

"I just want to let you know that I am in the hospital"

Double take

Deep Breath

message back..

What do you mean?  What's wrong?

Waiting..

trying to breathe..

not knowing...

being too far away...

message seen..

nothing yet...

finally..

I am sick.  I am having slight kidney failure.  I will be okay.  Don't worry.

All of a sudden I can't breathe.

Tears in my eyes

No one home..

Another message...I will call you in a little while..

Quick call to someone closer..

Please find out what's going on and let me know.

Plane flights are expensive...

deep breaths...

All of a sudden, the world is starting crash down around me...

Just a little bit..

This person...

a friend..but so much more than that....25 years...she knows everything...

one of those friends...just with a look or a tone of voice...knowing exactly what she's thinking...knowing so much without saying anything...a sister in every way that's important...

There's no tone in a facebook message.  

I don't know...

I start to remember..

The silly notes, the sleepovers, the first boyfriends, the first dances...

the stupid fights, surviving high school together...the laughter, the bad choices and the good ones...the late night college calls,...the late nights when I was home visiting, drinking too much tequila one night and she held my hair back...growing up together, being there through everything..the late night calls now, might not be every day...every week or even every month..but two or three hours on the phone is not uncommon just to catch up...

struck by the sudden thought that those conversations may come to an end far before we are eighty years old sitting on the porch, drinking ice teas and reminiscing...like we planned when we were 12 years old...and talk about every time we see each other...

Finally a phone call, begging not to worry...

A week later and a diagnosis...

A treatment plan and hopefully a way to make it manageable..

Low dose of chemo, even though it's not cancer...Wegener's Vasculitis..

Google it...get lost in the internet...read some good..mostly bad...

I hear it in her voice...

I remember how that felt...

I know that I will need to stay strong for her...

not push...no expect too much..

Wanting to be there...wishing that it was closer than a plane ride..

Knowing that even when I go that I will need to come home..

She's scared...she's worried about the disease but also about everyone else around her...

Listening, cause that's the best I can do, knowing that she knows I am here...

Wishing I could take it away..

Wishing that she wouldn't have to go through it...

Trying not to let her hear how worried I am..

Scared to death that this isn't going to get better...

Scared that way too soon she isn't going to be on the other end of the phone...

Scared of that phone call coming in the middle of the night..

My heart hurts, 

The tears flow,

My breath catches,

The part of my soul that is tied to hers is wondering how, if anything happens, how it will ever be whole again...

For now, I hope and pray for the best possible outcome for her....

I try to stay strong while i talk to her, 

I hide the tears, 

I scour the web for good plane fares, 

and I cry...

Cry because I can't imagine my life without her on the other end of the phone..

Cry because I hate that she has to go through this...

Cry because she is one of the best people that I know and life just isn't fair...

So I ask for thoughts, prayers, love, miracles for her...and hope that there is someone out there listening....

Valentine's Day

On this day I, like many others, am thankful for my wonderful and amazing husband.
While I am a firm believer that you need to show love everyday and not just one day that some commercial CEO deemed it necessary, this year I am especially grateful for my husband.
There has been a lot going on lately...
He has his Masonic duties that have been taking over his evenings...
I have work..and a very dear friend who has just been diagnosed with a nasty disease that won't ever go away..
We have had some problems communicating lately...
and I am feeling disconnected...
He is always there for me...
no matter what...
I have pulled myself in...not talking....not dealing...just going through the motions..
I am especially grateful that he doesn't push...
He asks how I am doing..but doesn't pester me non stop..
I am grateful that he knows me well enough to know exactly what I need...
Even if it is a chocolate milkshake on his way home at eleven o'clock from his third meeting of the week ...
I am grateful that he gives me the time that I need to process...
That he knows that when I lash out or randomly start crying at a commercial that I just need a hug...or a snuggle..and often to not talk about it..
I haven't been writing here...or anywhere...and I know that I need to start again...because it is an outlet....
I have internalized a lot lately...and I know that I need to be better about that...
but he doesn't push...
he doesn't get angry (much)...
he doesn't hold it against me..
Instead, he gives me a hug...
he talks to me about everything else..
he does little things that make me smile...
he rolls over when he knows that I am not sleeping and pulls me close...
He rubs my back and he tells me that he loves me..
and i know that no matter what's going on in my life that I can get through it..
Because he is always there..no matter what...whenever I need him..and while I don't need a holiday to express all of those feelings...today I took an extra minute to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him.

Sending love and lots of thoughts on the moonbeams tonight...

Creativity

I have probably posted in the past about Zentangle.
It is something that my mother has been doing for a while and was actually just certified to teach.
As I am always looking for a new way to be creative, I have picked it up...
It is something I can do at night while sitting with hubby watching TV (instead of those ridiculously addictive facebook games)
It is something that you will find in the margins of my notebooks at work....particularly during long meetings..
It is an art that allows you to be concentrating on doing it....and let's you get into an almost meditative state while practicing...
For me, it's just something fun and creative....it will be one of those tings that I will have multiple sketch pads full of with no real idea of what I will do with it...
it opens those pathways in mind that allow me to feel creative..
Pintrest is full of amazing ideas and although you may base your idea off of something that you find, yours is going to come out looking unique and different...
Here are some pictures of what I have worked on this week...
Things are a bit insane (which is nothing new really) here and this is something that allows me to relax and zone out for a while..
Hope you are well...sending love and positive thoughts on the back of the wind to all of you tonight! Hugs

Some times things don't turn out like you want them to..

long awaited news today...

not really what I wanted to hear...

interesting opportunities..

where to go from here?

When you want something so badly..

a path that you have worked towards...

all the support is there...

but for some reason the next step doesn't take you down that path...

What do you do then??

You don't know what's going to be around the next corner...

sometimes it feels like an insurmountable mountain..

no matter how high you climb, 

how many twists, 

how many turns, 

How dark it gets, 

you can't seem to find the end..

The path changes, 

there's an off shoot..

not one that you expected..

not one you anticipated..

one that in some ways is good..

in other ways, 

you know when you take that first step,

there's an even higher mountain to climb,

more twists and turns..

and it feels like all of a sudden those supporters aren't there any more..

people stand in your way

block the path,

want you to give up..

to those people,

bring it on..

i will climb the mountain

around the sharp turns,

over the ledges you put in my way,

because I know that on the other side is the rest of the journey...

I will prove you wrong,

i will make it..

and when I look back...

I promise, you won't look nearly as big,

the obstacles, once conquered, will be merely memories...

because this is my path,

whether you think it should be or not, 

and you are not going to stand in my way.

Amazing night

I have kicked off my shoes,
Taken the bobby pins out of my hair,
and taken out the earrings that were dangling from my ears...
I spent yesterday evening shopping for the perfect dress with my husband..
and today running around, trying to find the perfect earrings to go with the dress I bought last night...
Getting my hair done
getting my nails done
finding that ever elusive perfect red lipstick
putting on makeup
Struggling to put on panty hose
finding a bracelet
making sure I could still walk in heels
straightening a bow tie
Going to an event where everyone seemed to know every one
being taken under someone's wing and being introduced around...
Witnessing a ceremony that I am not sure I entirely understood
being hugged and kissed on the cheeks by some very nice older men
and watching my husband honor his grandfather in a very personal way and starting down a path, following in his grandfather's footsteps.
Getting a bit choked up as he took an oath to honor their ways
As an officer who was appointed to his post
Knowing his grandfather did the same thing so many many years ago..
Being a supportive wife, even though there are things about this group that he can't share with me.
Knowing how much this means to him,
knowing that he does this for someone, who I never had the privilege of meeting, to honor him and his memory.
Then hanging out with those same people,
talking,
laughing,
enjoying just one glass of wine.
Talking about fundraising
making jokes
laughing
Tonight David, a year after joining, became an officer at his Masonic Lodge.
And although my feet hurt,
My head is a bit sore from the bobby pins
and I can't wait to get this makeup off my face,
I have never been prouder of him and his commitment to this
And I will do everything i can to support him in this.

I just love a man in a tuxedo...even more so when it is tails...and especially because he's all mine..

End of the night, but I love this picture (and my dress...I really did feel amazing tonight in this)

Hugs and love to you all!