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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Today was supposed to make it better

Sitting alone at my house..
Hubby is off to another mason meeting.
We went to Boston today for another consult with another dr to figure out a treatment pln for hubby.
They found a tumor in his neck about seven weeks ago.
Benign...but not exactly sure what it ia.
This dr today gave us another type he thinks it is.
At the end of the day...I am told it doesn't matter..treatment is the same.
I am tryong...desperately...to put my faith in what they say.  Failing at the moment but still trying.
Radiation is the treatment.
Once a day for five to six weeks.
Luckily, in our home town...so no relocating to Boston for us.
And we wait. ..again...for another dr to get to us.
To do more tests to figure out where to localize the treatment.
Two steps forward today...which should make me feel better.
It doesn't...
I heard that the one person who means more to me than anyone in the world is going to have to go through hell. 
Sickness,  fatigue, sore throat, taste buds changing..
Figuring out that he is not invincible..
Having to say no...because he won't be up for it...
Fighting..not to make it go away but to make sure it doesnt get any bigger..
Dealing with the pain and symptoms that he has now for the rest of his life.
It was supposed to make me feel better to have answers...instead I feel completely useless and defeated.
I am sure I will differently tomorrow
There are good things that came out of today...
But right now...I just want to scream and cry...


  1. Oh Nic, I'm so sorry and wish I could hug you right now. So accept this virtual one ((())). It will seem differently tomorrow. Time to allow your brain to comprehend. I'm sorry David has to go through this but the word "benign" is still a powerful word to hold onto! Take it from me sweetie! Hugs to you both! xx

  2. and that's ok. You have every right to scream and cry. It is hard to stay strong in times like this.....so hard. Don't hold in those feelings. Bouncin Barb I love your advice.......holding onto the positive is important in these situations. Thinking of you.