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Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

The world turns upside down

Green light..
Blinking on my phone..
A message on facebook..
"I just want to let you know that I am in the hospital"
Double take
Deep Breath
message back..
What do you mean?  What's wrong?
Waiting..
trying to breathe..
not knowing...
being too far away...
message seen..
nothing yet...
finally..
I am sick.  I am having slight kidney failure.  I will be okay.  Don't worry.
All of a sudden I can't breathe.
Tears in my eyes
No one home..
Another message...I will call you in a little while..
Quick call to someone closer..
Please find out what's going on and let me know.
Plane flights are expensive...
deep breaths...
All of a sudden, the world is starting crash down around me...
Just a little bit..
This person...
a friend..but so much more than that....25 years...she knows everything...
one of those friends...just with a look or a tone of voice...knowing exactly what she's thinking...knowing so much without saying anything...a sister in every way that's important...
There's no tone in a facebook message.  
I don't know...
I start to remember..
The silly notes, the sleepovers, the first boyfriends, the first dances...
the stupid fights, surviving high school together...the laughter, the bad choices and the good ones...the late night college calls,...the late nights when I was home visiting, drinking too much tequila one night and she held my hair back...growing up together, being there through everything..the late night calls now, might not be every day...every week or even every month..but two or three hours on the phone is not uncommon just to catch up...
struck by the sudden thought that those conversations may come to an end far before we are eighty years old sitting on the porch, drinking ice teas and reminiscing...like we planned when we were 12 years old...and talk about every time we see each other...
Finally a phone call, begging not to worry...
A week later and a diagnosis...
A treatment plan and hopefully a way to make it manageable..
Low dose of chemo, even though it's not cancer...Wegener's Vasculitis..
Google it...get lost in the internet...read some good..mostly bad...
I hear it in her voice...
I remember how that felt...
I know that I will need to stay strong for her...
not push...no expect too much..
Wanting to be there...wishing that it was closer than a plane ride..
Knowing that even when I go that I will need to come home..
She's scared...she's worried about the disease but also about everyone else around her...
Listening, cause that's the best I can do, knowing that she knows I am here...
Wishing I could take it away..
Wishing that she wouldn't have to go through it...
Trying not to let her hear how worried I am..
Scared to death that this isn't going to get better...
Scared that way too soon she isn't going to be on the other end of the phone...
Scared of that phone call coming in the middle of the night..
My heart hurts, 
The tears flow,
My breath catches,
The part of my soul that is tied to hers is wondering how, if anything happens, how it will ever be whole again...
For now, I hope and pray for the best possible outcome for her....
I try to stay strong while i talk to her, 
I hide the tears, 
I scour the web for good plane fares, 
and I cry...
Cry because I can't imagine my life without her on the other end of the phone..
Cry because I hate that she has to go through this...
Cry because she is one of the best people that I know and life just isn't fair...
So I ask for thoughts, prayers, love, miracles for her...and hope that there is someone out there listening....

3 comments:

  1. Life is not easy, I know. I will pray for both of you, stay strong!

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  2. I'm so sorry Nic. Sorry she has to deal with this and sorry you have to feel these stressful, scary emotions. I'm sending prayers, healing, love and hugs to both of you! She is very lucky, Nic. She has YOU!

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  3. I am really late but I am sending hugs and lots of positive loving energy for you and your friend.
    I hope things get better soon
    xx

    ReplyDelete