Some goodbyes are just so hard to say

And yet we hug...
We squeeze extra hard
Bite your bottom lip.
Hold it together..
Not allowed to cry...
Not allowed to even think it...
Everything is fine...
I will see you next time...
Bite your bottom lip..
Keep holding it together...
Get in the car...
Try and make small talk...
Talk about silly little things with someone else...
Give her a big hug when you leave...
Bite your bottom lip...
Keep holding it together...
Check in...
The tears threaten...
Deep breath..
Bite your bottom lip...
Hold it all together...
Security..
Smile at the silly jokes...
Smile at the kids excited for their first disney trip...
The girls in front of you talking non-stop about this trip...
Best friends..two weeks before senior year starts heading off on some adventure of a life time...
One tears escapes and you bite your bottom lip harder...
Trying to keep it together....
Another deep breath....
Waiting to get home...
To his arms...
Who will hug me tight...
Who will understand all the unspoken thoughts...
And who will understand when I dont keep it together...

Patterns

It is amazing to me how much can change in a matter of six weeks....
People spout the saying all the time that things can change in a moment...
But have you ever lived that
Every moment of every day has the potential to alter the very universe ypu live in.
One moment, one decision makes a difference in the fabric of your life...
Some times a new pattern starts
Some times the pattern you have worked on so diligently starts to unravel...
You lose all of the work you have put in..
A new pattern will always start..just not the way you think it will...
What does the fabric look like when its done??
I am never sure that it truly finishes...I mean we are all so interwoven that when your fabric ends someone else's picks up...
While you get to choose who is interwoven into your fabric....you dont get to choose the patterns they create....so their pattern interwoven with your may clash...may make everything chaotic.....or it may compliment the pattern that is already being woven....

Day one

I was laying on my back on an unfamiliar bed last night staring at the ceiling...
Contemplating my day...
Travel was early but easy..
Hubby drove to the airport...
Reminding me if I needed anything to tezt or call...
Walking out of the airport at my final destination...
Seeing her with no hair but her huge smile made me happy....and kinda sad....
Talking...all day...around the table...
Just like old times...but oddly not...
We talked about everything but cancer....
Which I expected...
When the subject was brought up someone else sitting at the table would change the subject...
We finally got some alone time...
It took a few minutes for her to open up....
She did open up just a bit....and it broke my heart just a bit...
She is hopeful this will all go away with these treatments...
She knows that it may not but is choosing the positive...which is good.
Today brings a doctors appointment...we will see....

Tired

It has been a very long week..
Performance reviews for the first time.  It was an interesting week...
I am also getting ready for my trip to Pittsburgh.   I am worried, nervous and a little bit terrified.  It will be okay I am sure of it...but...there have been some emotions that have snuck in this week that I need to be able to put aside until I get home..
I am worried that I wont be able to help..
I am worried that I won't be able to keep it together..
I am worried that it will be different...
Every moment thinking that it might be the last....
Every moment wondering if it is enough.
I know that getting on a plane to come home will be one of the hardest things to do....
It is okay that it will be emotional...and like it or not I have been there so hopefully it will at least be someone who kinda understands....
I am most worried that it will be the last time. .
Push it all away
Lock it up
Leave the key to that box here when I go...
I know it will be okay...
I know that it is what she needs...
I know I will find the strength.
But it would be a lie if I didnt recognize that I am worried....
A piece of my heart and soul belongs to her....it has since for twenty five years...
I just hope that its enough to give her the strength she needs..
I just hope that in a week I can make sure she has a shoulder to lean on...an ear to bend and an understanding of how much she means to me...

MIA

Has it really been two months since I last posted??? Time flies when you are....well, time just flies. 
I am not sure if anyone out there is even reading anymore...but just in case..
Things have just been crazy as normally happens during the summer.
Work is good.  Making some positive changes and people seem to be happy with what I am doing.  I will take it.
Hubby is good.  Mason stuff has wound down for the summer...so we see each other before eleven pm.  Always a good thing..
I went to Pittsburgh at the end of may and had an awesome time.  Got to see a bunch of friends and hang out.  I am heading back there in ten days for not so happy reasons.  My best friend was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. ..she is in the middle of chemo now..so going down to see what kind of support I can provide.  Not so good.

My parents were up for the fourth of july for a few days...it was awesome to see them.  Always nice to have them in my space.

Other than that, nothing wild and crazy....hope that your corners of the universe are good and that you are all enjoying the summer (or winter depending)...hugs to you all