The world turns upside down

Green light..

Blinking on my phone..

A message on facebook..

"I just want to let you know that I am in the hospital"

Double take

Deep Breath

message back..

What do you mean?  What's wrong?

Waiting..

trying to breathe..

not knowing...

being too far away...

message seen..

nothing yet...

finally..

I am sick.  I am having slight kidney failure.  I will be okay.  Don't worry.

All of a sudden I can't breathe.

Tears in my eyes

No one home..

Another message...I will call you in a little while..

Quick call to someone closer..

Please find out what's going on and let me know.

Plane flights are expensive...

deep breaths...

All of a sudden, the world is starting crash down around me...

Just a little bit..

This person...

a friend..but so much more than that....25 years...she knows everything...

one of those friends...just with a look or a tone of voice...knowing exactly what she's thinking...knowing so much without saying anything...a sister in every way that's important...

There's no tone in a facebook message.  

I don't know...

I start to remember..

The silly notes, the sleepovers, the first boyfriends, the first dances...

the stupid fights, surviving high school together...the laughter, the bad choices and the good ones...the late night college calls,...the late nights when I was home visiting, drinking too much tequila one night and she held my hair back...growing up together, being there through everything..the late night calls now, might not be every day...every week or even every month..but two or three hours on the phone is not uncommon just to catch up...

struck by the sudden thought that those conversations may come to an end far before we are eighty years old sitting on the porch, drinking ice teas and reminiscing...like we planned when we were 12 years old...and talk about every time we see each other...

Finally a phone call, begging not to worry...

A week later and a diagnosis...

A treatment plan and hopefully a way to make it manageable..

Low dose of chemo, even though it's not cancer...Wegener's Vasculitis..

Google it...get lost in the internet...read some good..mostly bad...

I hear it in her voice...

I remember how that felt...

I know that I will need to stay strong for her...

not push...no expect too much..

Wanting to be there...wishing that it was closer than a plane ride..

Knowing that even when I go that I will need to come home..

She's scared...she's worried about the disease but also about everyone else around her...

Listening, cause that's the best I can do, knowing that she knows I am here...

Wishing I could take it away..

Wishing that she wouldn't have to go through it...

Trying not to let her hear how worried I am..

Scared to death that this isn't going to get better...

Scared that way too soon she isn't going to be on the other end of the phone...

Scared of that phone call coming in the middle of the night..

My heart hurts, 

The tears flow,

My breath catches,

The part of my soul that is tied to hers is wondering how, if anything happens, how it will ever be whole again...

For now, I hope and pray for the best possible outcome for her....

I try to stay strong while i talk to her, 

I hide the tears, 

I scour the web for good plane fares, 

and I cry...

Cry because I can't imagine my life without her on the other end of the phone..

Cry because I hate that she has to go through this...

Cry because she is one of the best people that I know and life just isn't fair...

So I ask for thoughts, prayers, love, miracles for her...and hope that there is someone out there listening....

Valentine's Day

On this day I, like many others, am thankful for my wonderful and amazing husband.
While I am a firm believer that you need to show love everyday and not just one day that some commercial CEO deemed it necessary, this year I am especially grateful for my husband.
There has been a lot going on lately...
He has his Masonic duties that have been taking over his evenings...
I have work..and a very dear friend who has just been diagnosed with a nasty disease that won't ever go away..
We have had some problems communicating lately...
and I am feeling disconnected...
He is always there for me...
no matter what...
I have pulled myself in...not talking....not dealing...just going through the motions..
I am especially grateful that he doesn't push...
He asks how I am doing..but doesn't pester me non stop..
I am grateful that he knows me well enough to know exactly what I need...
Even if it is a chocolate milkshake on his way home at eleven o'clock from his third meeting of the week ...
I am grateful that he gives me the time that I need to process...
That he knows that when I lash out or randomly start crying at a commercial that I just need a hug...or a snuggle..and often to not talk about it..
I haven't been writing here...or anywhere...and I know that I need to start again...because it is an outlet....
I have internalized a lot lately...and I know that I need to be better about that...
but he doesn't push...
he doesn't get angry (much)...
he doesn't hold it against me..
Instead, he gives me a hug...
he talks to me about everything else..
he does little things that make me smile...
he rolls over when he knows that I am not sleeping and pulls me close...
He rubs my back and he tells me that he loves me..
and i know that no matter what's going on in my life that I can get through it..
Because he is always there..no matter what...whenever I need him..and while I don't need a holiday to express all of those feelings...today I took an extra minute to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him.

Sending love and lots of thoughts on the moonbeams tonight...