Day 15: Someone or something I couldn't live with out

I couldn't live without many people in my life.  My hubby, my mom, my dad etc. but if you've been reading, you already know that :)
One thing I couldn't live without...my camera.
I have been through several different cameras in the past few years, and honestly I am not picky about what camera I have (although I have been drooling for some time over the Cannon digital SLR's).
I love having a camera with me- and I do at all times.  I have one that fits in my purse and I carry it with me always.  You never know when you will pass something that you want to take a picture of.  I take pictures constantly.   A portion of them are good pictures...most of them aren't.
To capture a moment- whether it be the kids laughing, the fall leaves, the sunset, the sunrise, a building or animal is an amazing task.

Finding and capturing a shot can take planning or can be presented right in front of you.  I am the one who is always trying to get that different angle- different picture.  It allows me an outlet for my creativity that I desperately need- .  I wouldn't ever live without my camera....and I am glad that I am able to document the details in my life..

Day 14: A Hero who has let you down

Another tough one.
Is there someone who I have considered a hero in my life??  There are people that I have looked up to- there are people who I have held to a higher standard absolutely.  Does that make them a hero?? I don't know.
One person who I looked up to and who I had the utmost respect for let me down worse than anyone else in my life.   She had great ideas, she was a go getter, she wanted to make a difference in the lives of these kids.  She was one of them who had made good for herself.  She was going to change the world and make the lives of these kids better.  When you were on her good side, you were golden.  But she could flip on a dime and when you were on her bad side- you not only knew it- but you were punished for it.  As long as she needed you around, you were okay but the minute you questioned or tried something knew you were in for it.  Silent treatment, confrontations about the smallest things, no support with anything.  It was a tough work environment, but I always felt worse for the girls.  They truly looked up to her and tried to make her happy.  Once they were on her bad side, we knew it was only a matter of time before they left.  Trying to give them a steady environment where they could grow was sometimes tough.  She had such great ideas and a great team of people working with her.  We were a solid group of coworkers and all of us wanted to see the place be successful- we would throw around ideas, programs, etc and it was really good- until it wasn't anymore.  When I left, I felt like a piece of my soul stayed there.  When I get together with some of the people that I worked with from that place, we talk about the fact that it's almost PTSD from being there.  This individual, I looked up to her and believed 100% in what she was doing.  I poured my heart and soul into my job and it has taken me a long time to get parts of those back.  She, incidentally, has since left that line of work and was arrested for prostitution.

Day 13: A band or music that has gotten you through tough times

There aren't any.  There I said it.  I don't listen to music often- if ever.
I know that's strange.
I have an mp3 player that is currently M I A.  I have no idea where it is.  I load songs on to it every six months or so and i only listen to it at the gym.  I don't listen to the radio very often cause I am always on the phone when I am in my car.
I love theater and I love to sing....but music- doesn't hold a huge place in my life.
I have tried and I have failed at making this a release for me.
Give me a book and I can get lost in the world the author creates.
Give me a camera and I will get lost behind the lens
Give me a computer game like solitaire- I will be lost for hours
I love music- I play it loud when I clean the house- I sing along to whatever happens to be on the radio on the rare occasions I turn it on.  I sing karaoke occasionally when I am in a bar that's offering it.  I can sing show tunes from all of the shows I have ever worked on and know the Rent soundtrack by heart.
But it isn't something that is necessary to feed my soul.

Day 12: Something someone never compliments you on

People never compliment me on......I don't know.  I don't look for compliments on very many things.  I work hard and I play hard and if someone notices that's great...but I don't do things for other people to notice....I do them for myself.
So here are some things that no one would ever compliment me on:
My housecleaning skills- because they are not good.  My house is in a perpetual state of disarray and I am okay with that.  Given two hours I would much rather go take pictures, read a book, get a root canal than clean my house.  I have a two hour rule- people need to call me at least two hours before they come to my house.  Why? Because in two hours I can make it look like two adults live in this house as opposed to a bunch of college kids!
My wardrobe- I love to shop.  Really do...love to put together outfits but I literally spend ten minutes in the morning before I walk out of the door to go to work getting ready.  I don't wear makeup- I have only done my hair this week because this new cut is so easy- and I very rarely wear jewelry.  I have a ton of jewelry- pieces that my hubby has picked out for me and stuff that I have made...I just never wear it.  It's so bad that people will ask me if I have a job interview on the rare occasions that I put on makeup and put on a pair of earrings...I need to get better at this!
Planning ahead- I don't plan ahead- I like to think that I can still fly by the seat of my pants- a weekend trip someplace sure, a visit with a friend tomorrow I'll be there. But a dinner date in two weeks- forget it.  I have a calendar on my phone that acts as my planner and most of the time, that's not completed.  Homework due- it will be done the night of- not before.  I thought that with age this would get better- but it really doesn't.  if anything it has gotten worse.  I rebel against planning and structure.  I want to be able to just go and do- unfortunately that's not always possible- and it certainly doesn't work for my friends that have kids.  I am working on it.
Patience- I am not a patient person- at all.  I can fake this pretty well- but really, I am not good at it.  I hate it when things don't go the way that I plan- I hate it when I have to wait on someone else to get things done.  I am a big supporter of the fact that most of the time, it's easier to just do it myself.  In most situations at work I can fake patience with some degree of success- but at home forget it.  I want it done, don't care what you need to do to make it happen.
So while I may not get compliments on these things, I certainly don't deserve to get compliments on them either :)

Day 11: Something people compliment you on the most

My creativity.  I am the first person that someone will call if they have a party, a wedding or an event that people need to have planned on a budget.  I am able to take a hall and turn it into a beautiful wedding with less money than most people spend on a dress.  I am able to pull together a party for a birthday or an anniversary that everyone will remember.

A perfect example of this was my cousin's wedding a few years ago.  She wanted to get married and there was only about $2000 to spend.  And that was on everything.  I was able to turn the gun club that she has it in into a relaxed beachy themed space with a lot of work and a lot of creativity.  Shell shaped salt and pepper shakers were turned into favors, the dollar store was the place to go, my family pitched in and cooked and baked and we served a full meal for 200 people. My mom made the wedding cake and I did all of the flowers and took all of the pictures.  The ceremony was held on the beach and the weather was gorgeous.  My aunt and my friends cooked and served food, the flow of the reception was good and the pictures came out awesome.  It was a day that she will always remember and I was happy to be able to provide that for her.  

When my other cousin decided to get married at my grandparents house, I had a week to plan.  Again the dollar store provided many of the pieces and we were able to put together something classy, low key and pretty.  

The best part is that I love doing it.  I love the challenge...I love the ability to be creative and I love seeing the happy faces, the smiles and the pictures of everyone having a good time.  My sister in law and I often do these together...and we are quite the pair.  We bounce ideas off each other, try to stay within a budget and you can very often see us up to our elbows in hot glue and candles trying to make things look just right.  Someday, the two of us will go into business together....specializing in parties on a budget.  We work well together and both of us come up with some crazy ideas that we bounce off each other, help each other out and are alway willing to just try something new.  

A wedding in a week, a birthday party that will never be forgotten...just give me a minute and I'll figure it out for you!

Day 10: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know

Wow....I don't know the answer to this question really....this one is tough.  I try very hard to not allow toxic people in my life...there are few that are there because they need to be- I wouldn't get rid of them because of the ripple effect that would have on my life- if I didn't know them then I wouldn't know someone else and that person is important to me.
So I will take a bit of a different spin on this one I guess.  I wish that there was part of myself that I could let go- send into the wind and never see again....that part of me...the part that is scared, has nightmares, flashes back to those bad moments....I with I could make that part go away.  I don't want it anymore.  I think that I have learned all that I can from those experiences and I wish I could just let part of me go.  I know that I can't....I know that every single day I use those experiences, and what I learned, to make decisions in my life.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but you are made up of a million threads, all interwoven together.  Those threads are what make the whole picture.  if you pull one out, you ruin the picture.  I certainly don't want to change who I am today...and those experiences are all part of that...but part of me- I want to let that part go....into the wind.  I want to watch it float away, carried on the wind current, over the water until it is a speck on the horizon and eventually you can't see it at all.

Day 9: someone you didn't want to let go, but who drifted

Don't we all have a few people who have drifted out of our lives without us even realizing it?  Someone who came into your life like a whirlwind, was there for a little while and then the calls were less, the visits were less, the dinner dates were less until all of a sudden you realize it's been months since you last talked??  

My best friend of almost twenty years....we've drifted....I haven't talked to her in months.  I have no idea what's going on in her life...no idea where she's working, what she's doing, nothing.

Now the fact we haven't talked isn't really so odd....she lives in my hometown....has never really been one for the phone and we have in fact gone a very long time without talking. The difference this time....I am not picking up the phone and trying to get in touch with her anymore.

Let me explain- I love her to pieces, I would do anything for her and I sincerely hope that we talk soon.  But there comes a point in every relationship that if you are putting forth more effort to make it work, you start to resent the other person's lack of effort.  Life gets in the way....I totally get it....trust me.  I totally get it....I am not the most accessible person right now- but after countless messages, facebooking, emails etc you just give up.  Do I miss her?  I miss the friendship we had..I miss the history that I felt with her....I miss the connection to my past...I miss her knowing what I was thinking without even opening my mouth...I miss the hopes that we had as kids to be part of each other's grown up lives... you know the ones...kids running around together...backyard bbq's with our families, random girls weekends in fun cities..I miss her the way we used to be...I would love to talk to her- but the old her- the one that I had a connection with...the one who knew everything going on in my life- the one who I could talk to for half an hour and feel my soul fill up as we were conversing- the one who I would wake up in the middle of the night or suddenly know I needed to call in the middle of the day because she needed me- the one who I would love to surprise when flights were cheap on the weekends...I was the queen of the e-saver flights- Saturday morning at 6am leave here and leave down there Sunday night at 10pm...get home with no sleep, but a full heart, sleep for a few hours and go to work the next day.  Who wouldn't miss that?? of course I do...but sometimes you just need to let go and see what happens..

Day 8 : Someone who has made your life hell

We all have one person don't we.  One person who you have to think that you would be better off if your paths never crossed.  If you just hadn't been at that fill in the blank ( coffee shop, party, grocery store etc.) wouldn't your life get better.

I know I did.  It was at a party- it involved too much alcohol and turned two years of my life into hell.  He would show up at random times- the aftermath was never good.  Makeup only covers so much- and the emotional scars were the hardest to heal- sometimes, I am not sure that they ever will.

BUT...and this is a big BUT in all capital letters...

Since I can't wish away what happened (or even write about it really without knowing that the nightmares will come back)

it happened for a reason.

It was the reason that my dear, sweet, concerned friend, reached out to me, spent so much time with me, got to know me, pried everything out of me, comforted me and eventually, fell in love with me and asked me to marry him.  My dear sweet hubby, who was just a friend, went through that hell with me- he saw the aftermath and as hard as it was on me- he will never forget the looks on my face, he had to look at the bruises and he slept next to me so many nights because he wanted to be there to comfort me and hold me when the nightmares woke me up scared out of my mind.

It is the reason why the girls I worked with in the group home were able to open up to me and talk to me about some of the horrors they experienced- they knew that they were talking to someone who's soul was as battered as theirs.

It is the reason why I am the person that I am today- because it may have taken me a while- but I finally did something about it.  As terrified as I was about telling someone- I did- and you know what- they made it stop.  It renewed my faith in others and opened my eyes to way too many other people who have been through something similar.

It shaped my core- it shaped me as a person- it shaped my political beliefs- it shaped my outlook on life- he gave me a gift- wrapped up in more pain than I ever wanted to experience- he gave me the gift of compassion, understanding- he made me stand up for myself and made me realize that I was a fighter- I could make it through anything if I endured him.

So he made my life hell for a little while, left emotional scars that begin to heal and then rip open again, he made me not trust people for a little while and he made me have to get really good at putting on an "everything's fine face"- but he made me learn, appreciate and love- the lessons are easier to learn in other ways, but I don't know that I would have appreciated them quite as much.

Day 7 : Someone who's made my life living

How many people can I put in this blog?
There is one person who is the reason that I am who I today.
To the woman who has wiped my tears
Shared my laughter
Been there whenever I have called
Whenever I have needed someone
She encouraged me, gave me tough love, has watched me grow, let me fall down when I needed to and was always there to pick up the pieces.  She may not have always agreed with everything that I have done, but she let me do it and was there to listen, never passing judgement.
She held me close and let me go.  She knew that I needed to spread my wings and although I may not have always flown, she made sure that I never landed too hard from a fall.
She hasn't always been around the corner, but has never been more than a phone call away.
When I have made the phone call, she knew by the sound of my voice and would jump in the car or on a plane and showed up with an open heart and open arms.
I wouldn't be the person I am today without her.   Half my genes come from her.  Her heart is part of me and although I have caused her pain, she always opens back up to me.  She is my support, my rock, my comforter and my super hero.  Without her, my life wouldn't be what it is today and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her, love her and don't know what I would do without her.
I love you mom- more than you will ever know.  Thank you for giving me my wings, letting me fly and always making sure that I have a place to land.

Day 6: Something I hope I never have to do

I hope that I never have to bury my husband.
He is my whole world and I honestly don't know what I would do without him.
He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my biggest tormentor :), my biggest supporter, my partner in everything we do.
He also has health issues that have landed him in the hospital twice in the last two years.  The first time he was working out of state and I got the phone call at work that they thought he had a heart attack.  I had no car because mine had chosen that morning to break down, no family anywhere close and a breakdown coming quickly, I clung to the people that I worked with who made arrangements for a rental car for me and got me directions to where he was.  I drove the longest two hours of my life- expecting the phone to ring- my inlaws were on there way down as well.  Getting in the hospital I just burst into tears when I saw him laying in the hospital bed, joking with the nurse.  He pulled me close and I never wanted to let go.  It wasn't a heart attack- they have no idea what it was.  But he came home two days later.  Was back to work in a week.  The second incident we were driving home with my mother in the car from my outpatient surgery on my eye.  His vision went black- he hit the guard rail and, without hitting anything else or being able to see, managed to pull the car off the highway.  He was in the hospital for 3 days on that one...the diagnosis- a mini stroke.  Lots of appointments later and a handful of medicine every day they are not really sure what's wrong with him.
It scares me to death to think that I might lose him.  I know that I would survive- but I don't know what I would do if I couldn't hear his voice every day.  If I couldn't pick up the phone, if I couldn't come home and know he was going to be here.  I hope that I never have to face that reality.

Day 5: Something I hope to do in my life

This is a fun question- don't we all have bucket lists.  I do.  I actually  have a physical list that I carry around with me to look at from time to time to see what I can do today that's on the list.  There are big things- like go to Australia, go bungee jumping again, climb mt. everest, drink tea at a Chinese tea house, see the tulips in Holland, swim with sharks.  There are little things- like spend the day with my nephews chasing bugs, follow a rainbow to the end, spend a day coloring, enjoy every day for the blessing it is.  Make one person smile a day.
Over the past six months or so- there is one thing that I want to do more than anything in the world.  One thing that would truly make me the happiest person in the world.  I want to have a baby.  I want to see the look on my husband's face when I tell him we are pregnant.  I want to see the tears in his eyes when he holds the child in his arms for the first time.  I want to see him get excited about first steps, be a kid in Disney World with his baby, watch them grow up and walk down the aisle when he/she gets married.  I want the late night feedings, the snuggling, the bandaids when they get hurt, the pictures on the refrigerator.  I want to be the one that a child is yelling for when they yell mommy.  I want the opportunity to teach someone how to appreciate all the little things in life.
I don't know if this is ever going to happen and it upsets me more than I could possibly put into words.  We could adopt- hubby isn't really into that idea at all.  This is the one thing that is so important that it's not on a bucket list anywhere.  This is something that we are trying, testing, taking pills, acupuncture, dieting, waiting and waiting for.  I know that it will happen when it is meant to happen.  I know that the time just isn't right for some unknown reason.  The one thing that I would give everything up for right now- to be a mom, to watch my husband be a dad

Day 4: Something to forgive someone else for

This one was a tough one.  I try to forgive people.  People make mistakes...they do things that they aren't proud of and I try to put myself in their shoes and figure out why the actions were done and then forgive them for it.  There are only two people in my life that I haven't been able to forgive and I am not sure that I could ever forgive their actions.  One is too painful to write about...there are only a handful of people who know about it and I don't know that I could ever write about what happened.  The other, well she deserves forgiveness and I can't bring myself to forgive her- but I do feel sorry for her.
She is the sister of one of my closest friends (coincidently the one I wrote about having dinner with last week).  We became friends when we were both going through a cancer battle together.  It was a time in my life that I couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on- I didn't want to upset anyone with how I was really feeling about this horrid disease that was making me miserable.  She was there- she understood what it was like to go through chemo, drs appointments.  She understood that there were different thoughts going through my head that I couldn't burden anyone else with.  We spent a ton of time together.  I would go to her house on the weekends and we would watch movies, talk, and she was the only one who could truly understand because she was going through the same things.  Her disease took a turn for the worst one summer and I spent every available minute with her.  She started to talk about ending things.  She wasn't getting any better and never would.  We would have conversations for hours about when the quality of life wasn't good enough any more, when the battle wasn't worth fighting any more.  I met her at her house one summer weekend and she asked me to stay for the weekend.  We went out on Saturday for a full day of pampering- massages, facials, hair cuts etc.  At the end of the weekend, she looked at me and told me that this was it.  She had done her research and she was finished with this world.  I cried. We talked.  I knew how she felt but losing her was going to be like losing a part of me.  She asked for my help going through her stuff- I knew who was getting everything.  She gave me prized pieces of jewelry and we cried together.  I left that night, knowing that I would never see her again.  I did see her one last time- before she did anything just to give her a hug and tell her that I loved her.  I didn't know when it would happen, but I got the phone call from her sister- she told me that her sister had tried but someone found her and she was in the hospital.  I cried- knowing that the last place she wanted to be was in the hospital.  Her sister- who also knew what was happening- told me that she would keep me updated on her condition.  Later that night, I got a phone call- again from her sister asking me if she could pick me up.  I said of course- knowing that this was a hard time for her as well.  When she pulled into the driveway, she looked at me and said that she needed to tell me something.  Bracing myself, I nodded my head and then she dropped the bomb shell that I will never forget.  She lied.  None of it was true.  She was never sick.  She never had cancer.  I remember thinking that's not possible.  I would have known.  After all the time we spent together- there's no way that it had all been a lie.  We cried together- tried to figure out how it was even possible that this was the case.  Her poor sister, this dear dear friend of mine, was left to pick up the pieces.  This person- who I had poured my soul out too because I thought that she understood- was nothing more than a con, a fake, a liar.  I felt betrayed- putting it in simple terms.  Her sister said to me- she wants to see you, she wants to explain.  I shook my head and said that I never wanted to see her again.  I boxed up all the stuff that I could find and brought it to her sister.  She called me once- tried to explain- told me that her drs had lied to her, that she truly thought that she was sick.  I told her that was bull- she admitted that she lied and that she was sorry and that she needed her friends now more than ever.  I told her that wasn't possible and I hung up the phone.  I received a couple of emails from her and finally wrote her back and told her that I couldn't even think about her without feeling completely betrayed and that I wasn't going to talk to her again.  I haven't heard from her since- except through her sister who updates me occasionally.
I know that I should forgive her.  I know that I shouldn't have turned my back on her because she was a friend.  But I honestly felt and still feel that every part of our friendship was built on a lie.  She took something as awful as cancer,lied about it and used it to make me and others feel sorry for her.  I can't forgive her for that.  I wish that I was a strong enough person to forgive her for it, but I can't.  I do feel immensely sorry for her.  Had I met her after all of this charade was done, I probably could have been friends with her.  She is one of two people in this world who I really should forgive and I just can't.

Day 3: Something I have to forgive myself for

Wow...some heavy stuff.
This one is difficult for me.  I could answer this one with some fluff answer, but that's not really the point is it?  I have to forgive myself for hanging up the phone.  It was a long time ago and I will never forget the sound of her voice.  Desperate and pleading, asking for help.  I thought that I had helped.  I listened, she talked, yelled, screamed, cried, laughed.  I soothed, comforted, tried the very best that I could.  For hours, we talked.  For hours, I worried.  For hours, I tried to reassure her that she was loved, people needed her in their lives.  For hours, I listened.  As the sun was peeking up through the clouds, she said she was fine.  She said that she would get help.  She said that she wouldn't do anything.  I told her I loved her.  I told her if she felt this way again to call back.  She assured me she was okay.  She told me that she loved me and she promised me that she wouldn't do anything.  I hung up,  I fell asleep, with the phone next to me, just in case she needed me, just in case she called back.  My phone rang, jolting me out of a sleep, it was only four hours later.  I picked up with a sense of dread. I listened- I went numb- what do you mean?  She promised...promised she would call...promised she was okay..promised...promised...promised.  Crying, yelling, tears- no laughter in this call.  Just sadness- all encompassing sadness.  I didn't go back for the funeral- I couldn't face her parents, her family- they knew that I was the last one to talk to her. I heard the begging and the pleading in their voices for one little thing that could have been done differently.  I listened as her mother yelled and cried over the phone that there had to have been something that could have been done.  Emails and questions abound and I didn't have any answers.  I was a coward and couldn't face them in person.  Couldn't look them in the eyes and see them searching my face for an answer.  I was a coward and stayed, isolated, in my dorm room, isolated, left to myself to replay over and over and over again the conversation, the last few minutes of ever hearing her voice.  I went down to the beach alone on the day of her funeral.  I yelled and cried and asked why. I wanted an answer just like everyone else, an answer that would explain, an answer that would make it make sense- the only person who could give it to me was gone- taking her own life and with it pieces of others lives.   I couldn't bear to think of what would have happened if I didn't hang up...maybe another few minutes, maybe an hour would have made a difference- maybe it wouldn't have- I will never know because I hung up.
Years later- I know this wasn't my fault- I know that there was probably nothing I could have done differently- but there is part of me- that still wonders, still worries, still feels guilty for hanging up the phone.

Day Two: Something you love about yourself

Aww,,,this one is much easier than yesterday's post.
I make an effort every single day to see the positives in life.  I think I have spent a lot of time in my life dealing with situations that have arisen and I am making an effort to live in the moment.  There are so many things to be thankful for, so many things that several years ago I wasn't sure I was going to be around to see that I have to be thankful for being here.  My niece and nephews make me smile, good friendships, being relatively secure, having a roof over my head..there are things that others in life don't get to experience.  I am grateful to be here, kicking and screaming.  A few years ago, I got a devastating diagnosis of a brain tumor.  At that point in my life, going through test after test, chemo, sickness, and all of the emotional crap that goes on with a diagnosis like that I decided that every single day was a gift, there is nothing that you can take for granted because shit happens and sometimes you aren't in control.  So every day, there has to be one thing that make me smile. There is also one opportunity that I have to make someone else smile, to make a difference in someone else's life.  I am extremely lucky.  I am here, I am breathing and I am not wasting any more time.  I work so I can live, I don't live so I can work.  My job is not my dream job, but it provides very well for both my husband and I so we can go and do the things that we want to. The bucket list I have grows everyday, but I also try to cross one thing off every day. I am thankful for all of the blessings that I have had in my life.  That diagnosis, that illness, that fighting that I had to do every single day, that is what has made me appreciate my life, appreciate those around me, appreciate the flip side of the bad.
That is why I started this blog, to remind me to look for one good thing a day that makes me smile, to help others out there who stumble upon this blog to stop and think for just one second about something that happened that was good...something that makes you smile.  As long as I can remember the lessons that I have learned and can take the bad and recognize that (eventually) it will have a flip side, I think I'm doing okay!

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

Hate is such a strong word.  One that I don't use very often. I am not sure that I can hate anything that I can change about myself.  I am unhappy with my weight, my lack of motivation at times, my procrastination skills- but I don't hate that about myself.
I hate the fact that I can vividly remember all of the bad things that have happened in my life.  I wrote the other day briefly about the fact that there are anniversaries coming up and that I do believe that everything happens for a reason...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..blah blah blah...and I do honestly believe that.  However, I can go back to some of those moments and remember in vivid detail what happened, how I felt and it really throws me for a loop sometimes.  It is almost completely out of my control at times and will sneak up on me.  It is only the bad things I can remember with this level of clarity- never the good. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of happy memories and can remember things from my past, but never with the all encompassing vividness (is that even a word) that these memories can sneak up on me with.
I hate this piece of my subconscious.  Nothing that I seem to do helps with these memories.  I think I have made piece with something until it slams into my reality again and can really really mess with my head.  Luckily for me my hubby was "just a friend" during most of it and mostly understands.  It causes me pain and I know that it causes him to relive some of that time and it's just not good.  I wish I could make it go away or at least that some of the good memories had the same level of vividness, at least then the bad ones would be worth it..