Mothers day

I think of you often....
Today is always the worst though...
Some holiday I dont get to celebrate because I am not holding you..
Some club that I cant be a member of because it wasn't meant to be.
Most days....I know there was some reason that I will never understand..
Most days I can hope for some other place where you are looking down and be secure in that knowledge...
Today...on a day when we celebrate mothers....I wonder
I wonder if you would have blue eyes and blond hair or if ypu have your daddy's dark features...
I wonder if you would have slept through the night or if we could have cherished late night snuggles...
I wonder if you would be getting ready for your first dance recital or if we would be playing baseball..
I wonder what your nickname would be or how your smile would have lit up the room.
I wonder how your laugh would have sounded....
How tightly you would have hugged...
How would you get along with your cousins who bring so many smiles to my face and how would you have pronounced your aunts name...
Would you sing silly songs at bed time...or love to splash in the bath...
I wonder about the look on your daddy's face when you cling to him when you fall down..
Most of all...today and most days...I wonder what it would be like to hear you call me mommy.

Spring time??

I think we can officially say that spring is here... and thank goodness for that... The snow is melting...with the side effect of two feet of water in the basement.... The furnace isn't working cause it was under water...but at least it's not 20 degrees out... Hopefully we will get that sorted this week.. Work is good.... One of my people told me the other day that I was doing a good job....so that was unexpected and quite fantastic to here... Life at home is good... just booked my annual trip to Pittsburgh...can't wait to spend some time with some people that are necessary for me to see at this point in my life.. Another year older this week....which is a little crazy...but not too bad...I am taking friday off for some me time...I can't wait....Hopefully that will include a massage and maybe even a pedicure.. I have been tangling and finally finished a bag that I have been working on... All in all it's been a good couple of weeks..crazy busy at work and at home...but good crazy.. Hope all is well in your corners of the world!! Sending hugs and lots of love!

Six month

Six months ago we said goodbye...wished good luck and said we'd see home in six months....
We worried with news of invasions of Syria and unrest in the middle east. 
Weeks ticked by...
Birthdays passed and so did the holidays...the number of weeks that he would be gone began to dwindle til we were counting down the days...
Today...standing at the airport as an observer, I watched as more and more people poured in....balloons, flowers, homemade signs surrounded us.   Cameras were out to capture the moment....
My nephews were excited..could barely stand still and when he came around the corner, they ran up to him.....
One of them just hugged him and cried...the other ran around him telling him all of the things that happened while he was away...my sister in law got a hug and started to cry...
Everyone applauded and thank yous for your service were heard from people getting off the plane. 
I stood back as tears escaped and witnessed one of the most moving displays of human interaction that I have seen in years...
While I didnt have my camera to capture the moments, they will be forever ingrained in my mind...
He is home and he is safe....this part of the family is whole again....and all is right, for just a moment, with our corner of the world...
I hope you are all doing well...send in love and lots of hugs to all of you....

A couple of smiles for you

Just a couple of things that have made me smile in the past couple of days... Coming home from a long day at work to my husband scurrying out of the laundry room with pj's straight from the dryer. Putting them on was about the most wonderful experience in my life! A text message from my hubby at 4am this morning: "I tried really hard not to wake you this morning when I got up, but I needed to make sure I told you I loved you and to have a good day" Unexpected reactions from people New art supplies ASking for help and then letting go of the project until that help was obtained. That's all I got tonight...but needed to share Hugs and love to the universe for all of you tonight!!

Insanity

Things have been a bit crazy in my world lately...not that insanity is a new thing for me but lots of new stuff to try and virtually no time for the learning curve..
I started my new job the day I got back from vacation and have been on turbo since then.
We haven't hired anyone for my old job yet so I do my new job during the day and the computer comes home with me to do my old job at night....Luckily for me, my new salaried position didn't start until today, so I was able to bank some good over time...
It is interesting...
Managing people is new and different every single day..
My poor husband has been told he's not allowed to have any expectations for me for the next month..which he totally understands but makes me feel like I am not holding up my end of the bargain at home....
He is still super involved in super secret Mason stuff so we barely see each other before eleven o'clock at night these days....
We did manage to have dinner together one night last week and it was great....we actually were able to catch up on each other's lives when we weren't battling falling asleep...I miss him and definitely need to figure out how to make that a priority...
We are up north this weekend visiting the kids, which is good cause we haven't seen them since Christmas...but they are growing up so terribly fast.  The youngest turned 7 on Thursday...it is really unbelievable sometimes to think about..
Kicking off what promises to be another busy month in April with new challenges every single day.
I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity, have realized that it's not possible to make everyone happy all the time and just doing the best I can with what I have available.  I have an amazing support system in my husband and am more and more appreciative of him every single day...
So, if I am absent more than usual, please know that I am thinking of you all and reading when I can....hugs and lots of love.

Catching up...

Isn't it funny how time goes by...
I realized  tonight that it's been almost a month since I posted on the blog...
Lots has happened...
but then again nothing at all..
My best friend is doing okay....she's surviving her treatment...and it has been nice that I have been able to help her through the process...
We were on vacation last week...
it was fabulous...
We were in the hot weather, swimming in the pool, drinking some adult beverages...
I found out today that I got a new job...
we announce to the team tomorrow....I am excited and terrified at the same time...
but it will be good..
I, like so many others, am sick of the winter weather and the prospect of more snow this week makes me a little nauseous...
other than that...not a whole lot is going on...boring, every day stuff...
I hope that you are all faring well in your corners of the world...
know that I think of you all often and miss you and this corner of the world...
sending hugs and lots of love today and always...

The world turns upside down

Green light..

Blinking on my phone..

A message on facebook..

"I just want to let you know that I am in the hospital"

Double take

Deep Breath

message back..

What do you mean?  What's wrong?

Waiting..

trying to breathe..

not knowing...

being too far away...

message seen..

nothing yet...

finally..

I am sick.  I am having slight kidney failure.  I will be okay.  Don't worry.

All of a sudden I can't breathe.

Tears in my eyes

No one home..

Another message...I will call you in a little while..

Quick call to someone closer..

Please find out what's going on and let me know.

Plane flights are expensive...

deep breaths...

All of a sudden, the world is starting crash down around me...

Just a little bit..

This person...

a friend..but so much more than that....25 years...she knows everything...

one of those friends...just with a look or a tone of voice...knowing exactly what she's thinking...knowing so much without saying anything...a sister in every way that's important...

There's no tone in a facebook message.  

I don't know...

I start to remember..

The silly notes, the sleepovers, the first boyfriends, the first dances...

the stupid fights, surviving high school together...the laughter, the bad choices and the good ones...the late night college calls,...the late nights when I was home visiting, drinking too much tequila one night and she held my hair back...growing up together, being there through everything..the late night calls now, might not be every day...every week or even every month..but two or three hours on the phone is not uncommon just to catch up...

struck by the sudden thought that those conversations may come to an end far before we are eighty years old sitting on the porch, drinking ice teas and reminiscing...like we planned when we were 12 years old...and talk about every time we see each other...

Finally a phone call, begging not to worry...

A week later and a diagnosis...

A treatment plan and hopefully a way to make it manageable..

Low dose of chemo, even though it's not cancer...Wegener's Vasculitis..

Google it...get lost in the internet...read some good..mostly bad...

I hear it in her voice...

I remember how that felt...

I know that I will need to stay strong for her...

not push...no expect too much..

Wanting to be there...wishing that it was closer than a plane ride..

Knowing that even when I go that I will need to come home..

She's scared...she's worried about the disease but also about everyone else around her...

Listening, cause that's the best I can do, knowing that she knows I am here...

Wishing I could take it away..

Wishing that she wouldn't have to go through it...

Trying not to let her hear how worried I am..

Scared to death that this isn't going to get better...

Scared that way too soon she isn't going to be on the other end of the phone...

Scared of that phone call coming in the middle of the night..

My heart hurts, 

The tears flow,

My breath catches,

The part of my soul that is tied to hers is wondering how, if anything happens, how it will ever be whole again...

For now, I hope and pray for the best possible outcome for her....

I try to stay strong while i talk to her, 

I hide the tears, 

I scour the web for good plane fares, 

and I cry...

Cry because I can't imagine my life without her on the other end of the phone..

Cry because I hate that she has to go through this...

Cry because she is one of the best people that I know and life just isn't fair...

So I ask for thoughts, prayers, love, miracles for her...and hope that there is someone out there listening....