Uncle Jim

I have been thinking of you a lot lately..
I always do at this time of the year.
I stare at the stuffed monkey, whose hands are still in a knot from the last time you held it.
I try to push the last memories of you out of my head.
I remember the day that the switch flipped..
Everyone warned me it would happen...
I wasn't ready
One day, sitting on your bed, laughing, joking, holding your hand
You insisting I sit on the bed instead of the chair next to you because you wanted me to be close.
The four hours and talking, crying, laughing
It will be okay baby girl, I promise
That's what you said.
I hugged you extra tight when the nurse said we had to leave.
You cried and asked me to take you with me....told me that you didn't want to stay there.
I begged the nurse to let me stay a bit longer..she said no.
I gave you a kiss and promised I would be back the next day.
You promised me you would remember...like you had promised so many times before..
I squeezed your hand and left the room, I heard you say I love you most of all.
It was a great visit...I was on top of the world.  You were so present...maybe they were wrong...maybe it wasn't as bad as they said.
I went back the next day to see you.
You weren't there any more.
Your body was there, but your mind had forgotten.
The nurse was in there and said you were crabby.
I sat next to you and you yelled at me.
I talked to you, like they said I should...
I introduced myself to you, trying not to break down and cry.
I gave you the monkey.
You just stared at me and told me I was one of the ones that was trying to hurt you, trying to make your life miserable.
I assured you I wasn't, that I loved you and that I had just been there the day before.
You asked about Sue, you hadn't talked about her in years, asked where she was and why she wasn't there.  I didn't have the heart to tell you she was dead.
You told me to go away.
You told me you didn't want to see me anymore.
I leaned down and gave you a kiss..
I told you I loved you most and left.
My heart broke that day....all of the optimism was gone.
I knew you were gone that day.
For the next year, you didn't recognize me.
You didn't recognize anyone.
I still visited and still listened when you talked.
Some days it was good and like I was talking to you, only you didn't remember who I was
Other days, you were sullen and unresponsive.
I kept going to see you because I knew somewhere deep down you knew I was there...you could feel it..
I felt if I loved you enough you would remember one last time.
If I was there enough that the switch would flip back and for just one afternoon you would remember
I saw you the week before you left us.
You weren't talking at all at that point.
As I was leaving, I gave you a kiss and squeezed your hand, like always.
You squeezed back
I was shocked but happy.
I whispered in your ear that I loved you most and you smiled.
I knew you had taken a turn for the worst overnight and being three hours away I couldn't get there in time.
I was at my desk at work, cleaning up some stuff so I could leave when I finally heard your voice again.
I love you most of all baby girl
Whispered in my ear.
I cried and looked at the clock 8:27am.
My phone rang two minutes later, you were gone.
I knew that already when I heard your voice for the last time.
That day was four years ago.
I feel you every single day, in one way or another.
I know that you are with me, guiding me, loving me, watching over me.
I miss your smile, your gentle ways.
I miss the way your hugs were so powerful...like all of your energy went in to them.
I miss the way you used to grab my hand and squeeze three times, just so I'd know you were there.
I miss you.  Every single bit of you...
I know your with me, but I wish for just one minute that you could still be standing next to me.

Thursday's List

It's THURSDAY!!!!  YAY....I can't wait for the weekend...it's been a grueling week (as they often are when you get back from vacation)..
A lot to smile about this week.
Coming home to a quiet house with kitties who can't get enough patting, loving and snuggling
The forty degree temperature difference
The quiet
Veggies growing in the garden that will be ready for picking this weekend
It's blueberry season and I am seriously contemplating blueberry jam this weekend
A compliment from a customer this week
Being caught up and almost at goal for the month ( I am trying really hard to see this one as a positive...it's been a long time since it's been this late in the month making goal..but it's in sight and will be there tomorrow)
Only seven and a half more days until I am sitting in Florida with my very best friend in the whole world...a cocktail in my hand and some quality time with her and her daughter..
Have I mentioned the quiet in my house??
I love my family, all of them to pieces, but I also love coming home to the peace and quiet of my own house and my own bed.
I hope that you are all well and that you are enjoying the last month of summer..hugs and love from my corner of the universe to yours!!

It's just a piece of paper...

but it came today in a pretty frame....and I cried...

It was a good day today....
A compliment from a customer
on top of my game all day
still haven't made goal but getting closer
and we have vegetables in our garden!!
good day all around
Hugs and love to you all...I am going back to editing pictures!!

There's no place like home...

and I am looking forward to studying the backs of my eyelids in my very own bed tonight...
But not till after I go take a shower in my fabulous shower that has an amazing rain shower head.
I hope that you are all well.
It was a good weekend...and I promise a full report and maybe even a few pictures (although I do promise my sister not to share pics of the kids so I am not sure what's left but we will see..)
The garden is growing like crazy and we have a lot of banana peppers that need to be picked so maybe some pictures of that craziness too..
My kitties have been talking to me all night and all four of them are currently touching me falling asleep so I best get off to bed.
hugs and love to each of you in your corners of the universe...

Feeling hot hot hot!

Morning everyone!!
We made it maryland the other night....only an hour late...
My brother and his significant other came over weds night. It was the first time I got to meet him. M was very nice, and extremely comfortable here which is good and he centers my brother...which is needed. Still reserving judgement, but my initial assessment is that he makes my brother extremely happy..which is all that matters....
A little side note, my brother has never brought any one home before....so this is a pretty big step for him. I am proud of him and really really happy that he has found someone to be in a relationship with that makes him want to include that person in family events. That thought combined with what that actually means brings a smile to my face every time I think about it.
My sister and her children came over yesterday..
All day, Auntie will you...Auntie can you..
Uncle meatball..uncle meatball..uncle meatball.
I love the sounds of their laughter and their voices...I love the giggles and the snuggling...
Auntie will you play with me??
Auntie will you read with me??
Uncle meatball sit
Uncle Meatball play with me
Uncle meatball let's build a tower over my head :)
I love it...fills my heart and soul...
Today we are hanging out, need to peel potatoes and make macaroni for salads for the party tomorrow. We are heading out to Walmart soon and then we will be going to the movies to see Harry Potter at the Imax...my little brother is coming today and spending the whole weekend..yay to spending time together.
That's all I got....gonna go get stuff started to surprise my mom....
hugs and love to all of you!!!

Smiles...

Thank you all for your support yesterday...it is the cycle that this job goes through and I am just having a particularly hard time with it right now...but it's gotta get better..right ?
Tomorrow I am leaving..
There is nothing that makes me smile more than a trip....not just the destination but the getting there part too..
The anticipation of packing (usually way too much)
The packing the car
The smell of the airport
Checking in, knowing that you are going to be leaving shortly..
Going through security knowing that you are not as rushed as the person who seems to just want to get through faster..
Collecting your stuff and knowing that it will probably be another hour before getting on a plane (because I am ridiculously early when i go to the airport)...
Getting that airport pretzel or starbucks coffee and checking out the gift shop to see if there's anything new and exciting
Getting on the plane and settled and knowing that in a few short hours you are going to be someplace new and different
Immersing myself in a book while flying while listening to make sure hubby isn't snoring too loud..
The final descent into someplace else, watching the houses getting closer, the traffic on the freeway or the crystal blue water depending on where I am going..
Getting off the plane...walking through the terminal
And finally exiting the terminal to the hugs and smiles of my parents...
Getting in the car, being someplace brand new, different smells, no worries for a few days...just taking a deep breath, catching up on what's new and exciting in this world you have suddenly entered for a few days...
Flying relaxes me...I know that's not the way it is for everyone...but for me, it's an experience in and of itself and it makes me unbelievably happy.
My husband, on the other hand, hates it...but he has gotten much better.
I am excited to see my mom and my dad and talk through everything that they already know about my life and what's going on but to see their reactions.
They live in a place where I have never lived...they moved to a new house and have been there for eleven years this year...they moved the summer I graduated from college so I never lived there.
It still feels like home...I can curl up on the couches and put my feet up or eat dinner at the table and know that this is home...just as much as my own house is.
To be called auntie by those that I share my blood with is going to be amazing and hasn't happened in almost eight months.
To see the one that couldn't talk, walk or do much of anything except sleep, laughing, crawling and walking around will be amazing.
To hear the stories of the school year, dance recitals, pirates and t ball will make my heart full
To get the snuggles, the hugs, the kisses and the amazing unconditional love of kids that I don't get to see often enough, but who know me...
To see my brother, in a comfortable relationship finally, hang out and just spend time together..
To get my dad's career advice and cook next to my mom in the kitchen while getting ready for a party...
Those are just some of the smiles that I will have and that I am looking forward to this weekend. I won't promise pictures because sometimes it's easy to just get caught up in it all..but I will try my best..
To fill my heart, my soul and my brain with memories and family- that is the ultimate reason to smile and although I don't get to do it often enough, when I do- they hold me over for a while.
Love and hugs to you all..may the rest of your week be filled with peace, love and lots of smiles!!

Blah blah blah

Ever feel like the only words that come out of your mouth are blah blah blah>
My job, as exciting as it is, requires lots of talking on the phone
Today was just blah blah blah
No connections, no spark
Blah blah blah
Yep, we can
No we don't
blah blah blah
Emails written, carefully formatted, words carefully chosen
blah blah blah
There's meaning there, but no impact.
Interactions every day...good...fine...great...yep..nope...maybe
Blah blah blah
Called my mother, can't wait to see you, it will be fun...what, yep sure, call me later
blah blah blah
Talked to my grandmother-
I am honestly not even sure what we talked about...
blah blah blah
Silence, no talking, all alone...and still..through my head runs
blah blah blah
Typing, writing, more email, more statuses,
Blah blah blah.
Hubby's home...superficial conversation
Blah blah blah
Vacation is soon....different environment, different people...
hopefully that will drive the recording of blah blah blah out of my head..

Hugs and love to you all..