Just a quick note to say thank to those who commented on my post last night and/or sent me an email...
There is too much time for me to think right now and I am definitely overthinking the whole thing.
I use this blog as a way to dump my feelings and lately they have been scattered but I appreciate the sounding board that you all provide for me....I promise that there are smiles that I will post about later...
Hope all is well in your little corners of the world...love and hugs
About Me
- colenic
- Trying to remember that there is always a reason, always something that makes you smile during the day- recognizing the event, person or situation that made you smile will make your day seem that much better.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
brain dump
has been overtaken by the voices in my head at this point.
I look around my very comfortable house and I see things that kids can break
or hurt themselves on
Scheduling trips to go away makes me wonder what they will do....where they will be
My head is reeling with
What if it goes horribly wrong
What if this isn't best
What if the people that I care about the most are right..
Those people, who will always challenge me and make me think of things that I don't think about are telling me to stop and think..
that's all I am doing is thinking
planning
plotting
thinking
In the middle of the day
In the middle of the night
I know the reasons why we are doing it
When I express them to those I love the most, they listen
and then there is always something else.
I love these people because they challenge me.
I love these people because they know that most of the time I think with my heart and don't wait for my head to catch up
I love that they have yet to bring up something that my mind hasn't thought of..
that I haven't obsessed over
that I haven't dissected and put back together.
I know that these are the right decisions we are making..
and I love those around me who may not agree, but will support me anyway..
My head and my heart are at the point that says..just get it done already..
Just move in
Just let us get adjusted.
There are a million things, a million adjustments and I am sure things that no one has thought of...
a million reasons to be excited for this new adventure...
you know what my biggest fear is??
That it isn't going to be enough..
that she is too far gone to come back
I am scared that no matter what we do or how we try to help...we will have to turn her away because she won't take the help as an opportunity to better her life.
I am scared of becoming one of "them"
Those people, who in their own ways love her, but have had to walk away because she won't help herself.
As much as I wish I could say that I can make it all better, I can't...
she has to do it on her own..
I can only provide a safe place for that to happen...
I just hope it's enough.
I look around my very comfortable house and I see things that kids can break
or hurt themselves on
Scheduling trips to go away makes me wonder what they will do....where they will be
My head is reeling with
What if it goes horribly wrong
What if this isn't best
What if the people that I care about the most are right..
Those people, who will always challenge me and make me think of things that I don't think about are telling me to stop and think..
that's all I am doing is thinking
planning
plotting
thinking
In the middle of the day
In the middle of the night
I know the reasons why we are doing it
When I express them to those I love the most, they listen
and then there is always something else.
I love these people because they challenge me.
I love these people because they know that most of the time I think with my heart and don't wait for my head to catch up
I love that they have yet to bring up something that my mind hasn't thought of..
that I haven't obsessed over
that I haven't dissected and put back together.
I know that these are the right decisions we are making..
and I love those around me who may not agree, but will support me anyway..
My head and my heart are at the point that says..just get it done already..
Just move in
Just let us get adjusted.
There are a million things, a million adjustments and I am sure things that no one has thought of...
a million reasons to be excited for this new adventure...
you know what my biggest fear is??
That it isn't going to be enough..
that she is too far gone to come back
I am scared that no matter what we do or how we try to help...we will have to turn her away because she won't take the help as an opportunity to better her life.
I am scared of becoming one of "them"
Those people, who in their own ways love her, but have had to walk away because she won't help herself.
As much as I wish I could say that I can make it all better, I can't...
she has to do it on her own..
I can only provide a safe place for that to happen...
I just hope it's enough.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Lacking Motivation
I have today off.
It is currently two o'clock in the afternoon and I have gotten nothing done.
After a great weekend with some good friends, much needs to be accomplished as we pushed the list of things to do aside for a weekend of fun.
I have gotten nothing done.
The bedrooms needs to be cleaned out
Storage unit needs to be acquired
Closets need to be cleaned
The house in general needs to be cleaned
Laundry needs to be done and put away
My closet needs to be switched from summer to winter
Lots of stuff and no motivation.
Not entirely sure why..
is it because I know the days of doing nothing are numbered?
Is it because I simply need to veg for a little while?
Not entirely sure what the lack of motivation is...but I need to find it..sooner rather than later..
Today's tasks are small- clean out the bathroom closets and drawers
Kid Proof the medicine cabinet
Make dinner
That's it..
But tt's two o'clock in the afternoon and nothing has been done yet..
It is currently two o'clock in the afternoon and I have gotten nothing done.
After a great weekend with some good friends, much needs to be accomplished as we pushed the list of things to do aside for a weekend of fun.
I have gotten nothing done.
The bedrooms needs to be cleaned out
Storage unit needs to be acquired
Closets need to be cleaned
The house in general needs to be cleaned
Laundry needs to be done and put away
My closet needs to be switched from summer to winter
Lots of stuff and no motivation.
Not entirely sure why..
is it because I know the days of doing nothing are numbered?
Is it because I simply need to veg for a little while?
Not entirely sure what the lack of motivation is...but I need to find it..sooner rather than later..
Today's tasks are small- clean out the bathroom closets and drawers
Kid Proof the medicine cabinet
Make dinner
That's it..
But tt's two o'clock in the afternoon and nothing has been done yet..
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Major Decisions
As many of you may remember, a few months ago I wrote about a certain family member of mine who was in a bad situation.
She has decided to move on from that situation...more specifically into our house.
We have had a standing offer to her that she can move in with her children to help her get out of that situation for a while now and she has finally decided to make that step.
She will be here in two weeks.
Now she has three little kids, 10, 4, 3.
Hubby and I live in an older house with three bedrooms...plenty of room..
We have no children.
Our house is NOT kid proof...in any way shape or form..
The other two bedrooms have become catch all spaces for all of our stuff...so we will be working on cleaning them out this weekend.
I am happy that she is making this step...
I am happy that her kids will finally have a little bit of stability and positive role modeling (I hope we can be anyway)
I am happy that I will be able to get them and her the counseling they so desperately need in order to ensure that they will grow up healthy and hopefully well adjusted.
I am happy to be able to be in a position to help.
And I am scared to death to have them move in here
Scared of the changes in the dynamic of the house
Scared of three children who will look to us for help
Scared of sharing the space.
Scared that this won't be enough for her to finally turn this corner and get better.
I am terrified that no matter what we do or how much we try to help that she will go back to him..
Scared that she won't like the "house" rules--of which there are really only two- he is not allowed anywhere near here and two no overnight guests
Scared that I won't be able to adjust to the new role...scared that I am going to have to be her mom and her confidante and that I won't be able to help her.
Scared that she is going to push it too far and i am going to have to be the bad guy and kick her out.
She's family...but that's not the only reason I have always offered her a place to stay..
She has been told since she was old enough to listen that she's only good when she's in a relationship
She's a failure if she doesn't have someone
That she's unlovable and worthless
The only way she can keep someone is if she (excuse me for the crudeness) spreads her legs and puts out.
Her self esteem is low, her self confidence is virtually nonexistant.
I want to be able to help her.
I know that it won't be easy
I know that we will fight and probably not always like each other.
I know that this will be a huge lifestyle change for everyone involved.
I just want her to finally learn that she is a beautiful, intelligent woman who made some bad choices, but that she can move forward and she deserves happiness.
I want her 10 year old boy to see how a man should treat a lady and know what a solid relationship looks like
I want the girls to know that life isn't about how much you can put out and being dependent on a man.
I want them all to know that people will love you no matter what your choices are...
No matter what has happened in the past, it is possible to learn, grown and move forward...
I want them all to have a future...happiness and love..
The balancing act may be challenging at times...I know this...
Making time for hubby and myself will be a priority..
I am glad we are doing this..
It will be fine...bumpy at first but it will smooth out...right??
I guess I am just so conflicted about the emotions right now....I can't explain them to myself or my hubby...
I guess I just want that crystal ball that will tell me that this is the right decision....for all of us.
She has decided to move on from that situation...more specifically into our house.
We have had a standing offer to her that she can move in with her children to help her get out of that situation for a while now and she has finally decided to make that step.
She will be here in two weeks.
Now she has three little kids, 10, 4, 3.
Hubby and I live in an older house with three bedrooms...plenty of room..
We have no children.
Our house is NOT kid proof...in any way shape or form..
The other two bedrooms have become catch all spaces for all of our stuff...so we will be working on cleaning them out this weekend.
I am happy that she is making this step...
I am happy that her kids will finally have a little bit of stability and positive role modeling (I hope we can be anyway)
I am happy that I will be able to get them and her the counseling they so desperately need in order to ensure that they will grow up healthy and hopefully well adjusted.
I am happy to be able to be in a position to help.
And I am scared to death to have them move in here
Scared of the changes in the dynamic of the house
Scared of three children who will look to us for help
Scared of sharing the space.
Scared that this won't be enough for her to finally turn this corner and get better.
I am terrified that no matter what we do or how much we try to help that she will go back to him..
Scared that she won't like the "house" rules--of which there are really only two- he is not allowed anywhere near here and two no overnight guests
Scared that I won't be able to adjust to the new role...scared that I am going to have to be her mom and her confidante and that I won't be able to help her.
Scared that she is going to push it too far and i am going to have to be the bad guy and kick her out.
She's family...but that's not the only reason I have always offered her a place to stay..
She has been told since she was old enough to listen that she's only good when she's in a relationship
She's a failure if she doesn't have someone
That she's unlovable and worthless
The only way she can keep someone is if she (excuse me for the crudeness) spreads her legs and puts out.
Her self esteem is low, her self confidence is virtually nonexistant.
I want to be able to help her.
I know that it won't be easy
I know that we will fight and probably not always like each other.
I know that this will be a huge lifestyle change for everyone involved.
I just want her to finally learn that she is a beautiful, intelligent woman who made some bad choices, but that she can move forward and she deserves happiness.
I want her 10 year old boy to see how a man should treat a lady and know what a solid relationship looks like
I want the girls to know that life isn't about how much you can put out and being dependent on a man.
I want them all to know that people will love you no matter what your choices are...
No matter what has happened in the past, it is possible to learn, grown and move forward...
I want them all to have a future...happiness and love..
The balancing act may be challenging at times...I know this...
Making time for hubby and myself will be a priority..
I am glad we are doing this..
It will be fine...bumpy at first but it will smooth out...right??
I guess I am just so conflicted about the emotions right now....I can't explain them to myself or my hubby...
I guess I just want that crystal ball that will tell me that this is the right decision....for all of us.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Wild week
We had a fabulous time at the wedding...
and yes I have pictures that I haven't uploaded yet from my camera..
I survived the entire day in my five inch heels...but man did it feel good to put flipflops on my feet on Sunday..
We stopped at my grandparent's house on Sunday on the way home to say goodbye to them as they head off on their new adventure. They closed on their house they have lived in for fifty years and will be leaving the north on Saturday for warmer weather down south. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to them and to that house...lots of good memories there.
The cat survived the kennel...although he and the others have spent the last two days hissing at each other..
The weather has turned cold up here and fall is definitely in full swing. We are headed up Mount Washington in New Hampshire this weekend...which promises to be a good time. We are taking the auto road up which we have never done. Can't wait to take lots of pictures of the scenery..
Work is still crazy and Halloween prep is in full swing.
We spray painted three hundred snow flakes tonight...which was interesting..
Our theme this year for Halloween is the North Pole- the nice and the naughty side.
It will be good and hopefully will come out the way I am picturing everything in my head and will earn us first place in our decorating competition- first prize is seven hundred and fifty dollars to the Maine charity of our choice...so that would be good.
I love doing stuff like this but I gotta tell you...I HATE Christmas stuff before Thanksgiving. Sorry Skippy, but it's true. It just gets earlier and earlier every single year and I actually walked out of a store the other day because they had a full Christmas display up.....and here I am in charge of decorating like Christmas...oh well..should be fun anyway...or it gives me a creative outlet...which I will take!
That's all I got tonight...I hope that your corners of the world are a bit warmer than mine and that you are all doing well. I have been bad about commenting on blogs the last week or so because I have just not wanted to get on the computer at night....I will get better...promise...know that I am reading in the few minutes that I have during the day to stay updated on your lives...enjoy the changing of the seasons and the green grass that's still out there...because before too much longer there will be snow...hugs love and peace to you all..
and yes I have pictures that I haven't uploaded yet from my camera..
I survived the entire day in my five inch heels...but man did it feel good to put flipflops on my feet on Sunday..
We stopped at my grandparent's house on Sunday on the way home to say goodbye to them as they head off on their new adventure. They closed on their house they have lived in for fifty years and will be leaving the north on Saturday for warmer weather down south. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to them and to that house...lots of good memories there.
The cat survived the kennel...although he and the others have spent the last two days hissing at each other..
The weather has turned cold up here and fall is definitely in full swing. We are headed up Mount Washington in New Hampshire this weekend...which promises to be a good time. We are taking the auto road up which we have never done. Can't wait to take lots of pictures of the scenery..
Work is still crazy and Halloween prep is in full swing.
We spray painted three hundred snow flakes tonight...which was interesting..
Our theme this year for Halloween is the North Pole- the nice and the naughty side.
It will be good and hopefully will come out the way I am picturing everything in my head and will earn us first place in our decorating competition- first prize is seven hundred and fifty dollars to the Maine charity of our choice...so that would be good.
I love doing stuff like this but I gotta tell you...I HATE Christmas stuff before Thanksgiving. Sorry Skippy, but it's true. It just gets earlier and earlier every single year and I actually walked out of a store the other day because they had a full Christmas display up.....and here I am in charge of decorating like Christmas...oh well..should be fun anyway...or it gives me a creative outlet...which I will take!
That's all I got tonight...I hope that your corners of the world are a bit warmer than mine and that you are all doing well. I have been bad about commenting on blogs the last week or so because I have just not wanted to get on the computer at night....I will get better...promise...know that I am reading in the few minutes that I have during the day to stay updated on your lives...enjoy the changing of the seasons and the green grass that's still out there...because before too much longer there will be snow...hugs love and peace to you all..
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Just a quick tidbit
So we are currently sitting in the hotel room...starting to get ready for this wedding.
My husband's shirt needs to be ironed.
I have never ironed a dress shirt....ever..
I don't own an iron or an ironing board.
My way of ironing is throwing something in the dryer with a damp towel..
He knows this...
However, just told me that because I am a woman I should know how to iron.
It didn't work out so well for him...
My husband's shirt needs to be ironed.
I have never ironed a dress shirt....ever..
I don't own an iron or an ironing board.
My way of ironing is throwing something in the dryer with a damp towel..
He knows this...
However, just told me that because I am a woman I should know how to iron.
It didn't work out so well for him...
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