Almost a full year...

With no post...
so much has happened...
and yet so much remains the same...
This blog is still here...
is anyone still reading?
I wonder sometimes....
With the advent of so much becoming mobile in my life and my phone replacing the computer when I get home at night and not a good app to write posts this blog has become a distant memory...
except at 3am...
I write amazing posts at 3am...
full of deep thoughts
full of amazing musings
full of what I consider witty observances of life's daily occurrences...
that then get lost in the few hours of sleep I manage to get before the daily grind of work again...
not much has changed...
except for everything...
Smiles come...
Smiles fade...
keep trying to make sense of everything...

Merry Christmas

Lots of thoughts, emotions and feelings swirling on this eve of Christmas...
It was a great day spent with our Bangor family...
Lots of laughter, a few tears, presents, board games and snuggles today..
I am here, briefly, to send you all wishes of love, laughter, peace and happiness today, tomorrow and always from my corner of the world to yours...

It takes things away

The last few weeks have been rough...
Treatment has been progressing at a snails pace...
Food holds no more taste
Choking it down simply because I have to continue to feed myself...
Throwing it up every night...
Starts around 10 pm lasts until about 430...
Sleeping for a few hours...
Work is keeping me sane...for the most part...
I feel like this disease is slowly taking everything away from me..
First my hair..
Then the taste for food
Tons of drs appointments
Vials of blood every week
My ability to think straight half the time is in question....
Chemo brain is truly a real condition....post it notes are my best friend..
My weekends are no longer my own...sleeping half the day away and the grocery store is a task that can sometimes seem insurmountable. ..
Unable to enjoy the fairs this year...because being out in public is frowned upon...
Everything tastes like battery acid...
This weekend...I got angry..this weekend this stupid, disgusting disease took something away that I will never get back...
I couldn't be there for my best friend when she needed me because I can't get on a damn airplane...
She totally understood...
But my heart hurts...
My brain logically says that I cant...and that it is okay..
My heart is ripped into a million pieces...
This stupid disease took her mother in law in less than a month....and I couldn't be there to honor her...to help my best friend, my soul sister when she needed me.
This disease steals so much....but this weekend...it shattered my heart....because it took someone so important to people who I love and it prevented me from being there to support them.
#cancersucks

Just getting through

I am here...
I am okay..
34 treatments left in this round...
A couple of inspirations that I look at every day..
I promise a full post soon..
Hugs and love!

Whispers..

I heard you...and I thank you for being close today..
Everyone someone asked..how did yesterday go...
You whispered...take a deep breath...they ask because they care..
When their unending optimism came out with...this will be it...you will get good news..
You whispered...take a deep breath...they say it because they don't want to watch you go through this anymore..
When I avoided the subject and they brought it up again
You whispered...take a deep breath..they just want to make sure that you know you can talk to them...
When I went into the bathroom and surrendered to the tears..
You whispered...take a deep breath...take a moment...and then get back out there and make them see you are okay.
When I saw people who were in from out of town and noticed his look of confusion and then when understanding dawned and he didn't know what to say
You whispered...take a deep breath and say what he needs to here you say.
When more bad news from Pittsburgh presented itself and I sat on the couch, with tears rolling down my face..
You whispered...take a deep breath...
You whispered..it's ok to feel like this..
You whispered...find the strength I am giving you and let her know that it will be okay..
Tonight, as I get ready to close my eyes for a few precious hours of sleep...I whisper, please...I need you.  I whisper...I want to push back the thin veil that separates us and feel your reassuring hug and never let go.  To feel your strength and support.
You whisper to me...I am here and I will always be.  Take a deep breath child and let me help you.  Take my strength that I give to you and walk your path. 
You whisper to me...I don't know where the path goes but i know you aren't walking it alone.  We are all here, walking beside you, picking you up, supporting you.  When your strength fails you, I will give you more...and I will always be here..
I say out loud to you...thank you to my angels for giving me strength to fight this fight...even when I am not sure I can..
You whisper...just breath darling....I love you.

This week

Honestly this week has kicked my ass.
I expected to feel better, being done with treatment..but I didn't
I was doing too much...trying to keep up.
I was getting in my own way...forced to eat because of low blood counts...but throwing up almost as fast as I was eating.
I look like I am shooting drugs...
The vampires were fed well this week with all of the blood work I have had done.
Trying to do it all...but failing miserably because I couldn't get out of my own way.
It was a rough one....topped with an epic meltdown because plans change.
I have to admit something...I am a bit of a control freak...
And having no control is killing me.
Asking for help or time is not my strong suit and I need it.  Desperately.
I can't do it all...and when I get that look that it is okay...
Or have someone tell me that I am trying to do to much makes me want to punch something...
It isn't an excuse...but my super woman cape...that I refuse to take off...is failing me right now.
I am in the fight of my life and you would think I would cut myself some slack...
Knowing that no one is especting me to move moutains...or even expecting me to do anything but simply fight is killing me.....
Cause you know what...it really isn't everyone else I am afraid of disappointing or letting down...it is myself.
No one has any expectations of me right now...just me...
And I am not meeting them.
I don't know how to not fix it..
I don't know how to slow down...
I don't know how to give myself time and space...
And right now...it is a lesson that I need to learn and I am failing...miserably at this one.

In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye, everything changes.
One moment in time, even though you think you are prepared, your world shatters for a second time.
Staring, dumbfounded, hearing those words....brain tumor...back...growing..
A million thoughts swirl, coherent sentences refuse to form.
You know, you should be listening....asking questions...and you hear the Charlie brown teacher...and lots of blah blah blah.
Because, you see, that isn't the way it is supposed to happen.
The walls are down...still being rebuilt from everything else that went on...it has only been a month since you went from fighting next to your husband through radiation treatments, second opinions, doctors consultations until finally, the treatments are  finished and you wait to hear whether or not they worked. Knowing that you don't have those answers yet, not knowing what that future holds.
And all of a sudden, the other shoe drops.
Those headaches you have been ignoring for months...
That random pain that you pushed through so that you could be there for him...
The sleepless nights, the medication changes, the nausea.
It was just supposed to be stress.
It was your body's way of reacting to feeling utterly helpless.
Maybe we should do scans...
How many times did people, loved ones, coworkers who know your history say that...
How many times did I wonder out loud to the doctor to be told it is just stress.
Finally relenting, because that fight was paused for a little while and nothing was working....nothing made the headache go away..
When you said the number...58 days..the doctor sat up and took notice...said ok..let's just be safe..
Lying there...perfectly still...with a.million thoughts going through my head.
It will be ok...
Be there done that..
And really karma can't be that unfair...
After everything with hubby..
After a cancer diagnosis and contiuing treatments with best friend...
It just can't happen...it just can't be..
And then it did.
All of a sudden, I am right back where I was years ago.
Facing the same thoughts
Facing a diagnosis
Facing a treatment plan that means poisoning your body and hoping it kills the bad things before it destroys everything else.
How do you say the words out loud...knowing you are breaking the hearts of those who love you..
How was I going make this okay....tell everyone I love it would be okay...when I didn't know it would be....when I didn't know where I would find the strength to fight..
Emotionally, I was still in pieces from everything with hubby...
Mentally, I didn't have a reserve of strength to pull from.. .I had used it all...my well was bone dry.
Talking about it was surreal..
I couldn't believe when I told my mom that I was saying the words again....that this was really happening...
It was a nightmare...and I wasn't waking up...it wasn't fading with the sun..
Six weeks...to start.
A handful of pills...Monday through friday.
No, the side effects aren't any less.
Iron counts are low
Red blood cell counts are on the very edge of being low.
28 treatments out of thirty done.
Endless nights on the bathroom floor
Weird shooting pain all over
Protein bars, six pretzels and juice...everyday..
Because that is all that will stay down...
Three am demons that visit...
Thoughts of mortality that swirl around.
The completely overwhelming desire to yell, scream and cry...which happens...at three am when no one else is around to see it.
The wall wasn't rebuilt..
And now..
Well, now it has been obliterated..
I can't even find a brick to start rebuilding it...
Emotionally raw...physically exhausted
But if you ask, I am just fine...because it scares the hell out of me to say anything else.
I am surrounded by amazing people in my  life...people who love me, who care about me and who will do anything I need...they all want to fix it...they all want to make it better...and they can't.  
I have to be strong...
I have to be positive..
I have to not give into the demons because they are unforgiving when they invade your mind..
But I am tired..
Tired of being strong..
Tired of smiling...
Tired of being "fine"
I needed to write.
I need to know that there is one place that I don't have to be fine.
It isn't going to be pretty...
It isn't going to be smiles...
My emotions need to come out...the good, the bad and the ugly...this is my safe place...the place that isn't invaded by someone I need to see when I wake up in the morning...when I go to work or the grocery store.
There are amazingly good things and people in my life...they will be documented too...so I can look at them and reread them.
But I need to be true to the other side.  The one I don't show often to people...because that is the reality of this disease...the reality of life at the moment..
It is my journey....one i wish i wasn't on...but we don't  always get to choose our paths...the only thing we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other...one day...one hour..one minute at a time...and hope that you make it out the other side in one piece.

From Fighting...to waiting

Tomorrow... a day we have waited for. 6 weeks.. just get to March 17th.. Tomorrow is the 30th treatment. The last one. Ever. Whether it works or not. As I sit here...in my cold, quiet house and the tears pour down my face, not for the first time during this ordeal, and I ponder the last few months. He is out...at a meeting...as he has been throughout this whole ordeal. He did okay... worst side effects hit about two weeks ago and have been relentless... He can't taste anything... and food is one of his only vices... he tries so hard... he will put a mouthful of something in and scrunch up his face to see if there is anything... and then his face will fall and his sad puppy dog eyes will look at me and say "nothing...nothing at all"... His throat has been terrible because they are radiating through it from five different angles.... there is calcified ear wax in his ear canal so he can barely hear out of his left ear.. and he is exhausted... but he is almost done.. this chapter is closing. We won't know for months if it works.. not shrinking anything.... not relieving any of his symptoms just supposed to keep it from growing... The last six weeks have been the hardest of my life. Someone at work asked me today. even harder than your diagnosis. 1000% yes. Mine I could handle...mine I knew what it was and what was going on...mine was mine...and honestly...I was so focused on getting me better that, as selfish as it sounds, the people around me were not always my focus. And quite frankly if something went wrong when it was me...I wasn't going to be here to deal with it... I have never been more scared, useless, hopeless, helpless in my life than I have been in the last six weeks. I had to keep my shit together- I didn't have a choice- had to be strong for him, for me and for everyone else. I had to take care of him and let him get better and not worry about anything else....I didn't have the ability to let anyone else see that my world...the walls that he holds up for me on a regular basis....they were crumbling around me and I didn't know how to fix them. I always thought that I could be one of those woman who didn't need him. Don't get me wrong, I knew I loved him and wanted my life to be with him, but that god forbid anything happened I would be okay. I realized, I wouldn't be. I would not be okay. My whole world would fall down around me and I don't know if I would be able to get up. I have woken up with the thought that he might not be around forever everyday since November 16th and although there are only a few people that I would admit it to, it scares the hell out of me. So tomorrow, we go from fighting this everyday to waiting. Waiting to see if it worked Waiting for tests Waiting for months to pass The radiologist was asked what happens if the radiation doesn't work. He said we are thinking positively He was asked "What symptoms should we be looking for if it were to start growing again" He said "you shouldn't think like that, this is going to work" He was asked "Okay, I get it, but just in case, what should we do" He said "Hope it worked" I Said " I buy a lottery ticket every Wednesday and Hope I win, but I haven't gone out and bought a yacht yet" He laughed and still didn't answer me. So I guess we hope the odds are better than winning the lottery.

update

Just wanted to stop in and wish you all a very Happy Valentine's Day... WE didn't do much today....went to a drs appointment and breakfast. Getting ready for a major snow storm that will bring lots and lots of snow and high winds.. I am not entirely sure where we are going to put it all... there is currently a fifteen foot snow bank next to the porch...that will be a bit higher by tomorrow. Only 12-18 inches of snow instead of the 24-30 inches they were predicting so I guess that's a good thing. Normally but this time of the year we are in single digit countdown mode to our tropical vacation but we had to skip out on that this year due to hubby's treatments... He is doing okay...he has had treatments so far...so he hit the 20 left to go mark. He has started with some nasty side effects including a sore throat, almost constant headaches and he is exhausted. Normally, he (like most men) is a big old baby when he doesn't feel good..but he has his super hero cape on and is pushing himself to keep doing everything... Naps occur frequently in the afternoon and he is starting to realize that his cape won't keep him flying for very long..and that's tough... but he still smiles and tells me he's "fine". I worry and stress is taking a toll but I try to put it away when I can so that he doesn't see it often... He keeps telling me that it's no big deal and he is okay... and I know he is...in most ways....but I will keep worrying... hope that this short message finds all of you happy, healthy and loved. AS the snow falls from the sky I wish on each of those snow flakes that you are all doing well...

Lots of travel....and a treatment plan finally!

I feel like I have been doing nothing but traveling for the last few weeks...and in reality that's true. Our national sales meeting was two weeks ago and then I got stuck in Florida during the blizzard of 2015. I am one of those people that when a trip is supposed to be over, it is supposed to be done. I switch my brain off travel mode and am ready to be home. We met with the dr that will be treating hubby before I left and a treatment plan is in place. He starts radiation treatment on Wednesday, five days a week. In a way, Florida was good because it allowed me to get out of the very close perspective and allowed me to take a 1000 foot view of everything again. Meetings were good and my mom met me down there when the meetings were over. Her best friend from college has a house down there and she and her daughter met my mom and I am we had a girls weekend. We shopped and went to the beach. We went on a dolphin tour and hung out and just talked. One of the highlights of the trip was getting to meet someone you are all familiar with....Bouncin' Barb!! She drove down to meet us, showed us a little hole in the wall place that was outside and had fantastic food and dolphins jumping out of the water next to us. She is absolutely lovely in person... She made me smile.. She made me laugh... She made me realize that online friends are just as good "in real" life as they are online. Putting a voice to her words was amazing and I am beyond grateful that she took the time to come down. Now I am sitting in yet another hotel room, getting ready to fly out tomorrow morning before the snow. This time to Nashville for training. I am excited and looking forward to it..but at the same time am worried about hubby. I know he will be fine...but....I can't 100% guarantee it... All I keep saying, is I have to get through the next 6 weeks... 6 weeks of treatment and living on the edge... but in the grand scheme of things....it's only 6 weeks. 42 days 1008 hours 60,480 minutes... no problem right? Hugs and love to all!!

Today was supposed to make it better

Sitting alone at my house..
Hubby is off to another mason meeting.
We went to Boston today for another consult with another dr to figure out a treatment pln for hubby.
They found a tumor in his neck about seven weeks ago.
Benign...but not exactly sure what it ia.
This dr today gave us another type he thinks it is.
At the end of the day...I am told it doesn't matter..treatment is the same.
I am tryong...desperately...to put my faith in what they say.  Failing at the moment but still trying.
Radiation is the treatment.
Once a day for five to six weeks.
Luckily, in our home town...so no relocating to Boston for us.
And we wait. ..again...for another dr to get to us.
To do more tests to figure out where to localize the treatment.
Two steps forward today...which should make me feel better.
It doesn't...
I heard that the one person who means more to me than anyone in the world is going to have to go through hell. 
Sickness,  fatigue, sore throat, taste buds changing..
Figuring out that he is not invincible..
Having to say no...because he won't be up for it...
Fighting..not to make it go away but to make sure it doesnt get any bigger..
Dealing with the pain and symptoms that he has now for the rest of his life.
It was supposed to make me feel better to have answers...instead I feel completely useless and defeated.
I am sure I will differently tomorrow
There are good things that came out of today...
But right now...I just want to scream and cry...

Saying goodbye

I haven't posted in  a while.   It has been a craptastic few months asked I am ready to put 2014 behind me. 
I haven't posted because I haven't had much positive to say.  
When I look back on this year there are mixed emotions. 
I feel at this point that there are more lows than highs and the rollercoaster got stuck in a perpetual free fall.
Not that there haven't been good points.   I had probably the best year career wise in the last ten years.   Lots was accomplished and I feel like for the first time people took me seriously.   Great things were accomplished and in more than one way work saved me this year.   Lots of challenges but many that I was in control of and it allowed me the one place where I was able to forget about everything else that went on. 
The last few months have seen the loss of one of my cats and some news about hubby ' s health yay have left me reeling.   He will be okay. .. but there are some challenges that we will need to face in the coming months.
Tonight,  we are staying in... just the two of us and hanging out.  Enjoying some peace and quiet after a whirlwind trip to South Carolina for Christmas and lots of family time.  
I have laid in bed many nights and composed blog posts in my head and never actually typed them out.  So many things to say and no desire to put it out there because it hasn't been happy or even coherent most of the time.  
As we close the chapter on another year tonight,  I am making a commitment to myself to be better at writing it out.   This helps me process and gets it out of my head.
I can't promise that it is going to
be happy..
I can't promise that I won't get mired in the seriousness of what is going on.
I can't promise that I am looking for the best parts of this right now. ..
But it will be real. .. and if you want to ride the rollercoaster you know I would love the company. .. but i wouldn't blame you for getting off the ride.
Please know that I think of you all often... and I read your words even when I dont comment.   My wish for you as we enter the new year is happiness,  love,  health and lots of laughter.   Be safe tonight if you are out celebrating and I will see you in 2015.

Best news ever

I haven't posted in forever.
I have no excuse except for life.
Today...I have an amazing reason to smile..
I needed to share.
My best friend..
Who has fought the battle of her life. .
Chemo..
Sickness
Tiredness
Beat it.
She found out today that she is cancer free and DONE WITH CHEMO
The breath we have all been holding was the strong breeze out there today as we let go today.
To paraphrase one of my other favorite people and fellow blogger
LIFE IS A GIFT. .SMILE OFTEN..LOVE ENDLESSLY AND CELEBRATE ALL THINGS...
Love and hugs to all of you

Some goodbyes are just so hard to say

And yet we hug...
We squeeze extra hard
Bite your bottom lip.
Hold it together..
Not allowed to cry...
Not allowed to even think it...
Everything is fine...
I will see you next time...
Bite your bottom lip..
Keep holding it together...
Get in the car...
Try and make small talk...
Talk about silly little things with someone else...
Give her a big hug when you leave...
Bite your bottom lip...
Keep holding it together...
Check in...
The tears threaten...
Deep breath..
Bite your bottom lip...
Hold it all together...
Security..
Smile at the silly jokes...
Smile at the kids excited for their first disney trip...
The girls in front of you talking non-stop about this trip...
Best friends..two weeks before senior year starts heading off on some adventure of a life time...
One tears escapes and you bite your bottom lip harder...
Trying to keep it together....
Another deep breath....
Waiting to get home...
To his arms...
Who will hug me tight...
Who will understand all the unspoken thoughts...
And who will understand when I dont keep it together...

Patterns

It is amazing to me how much can change in a matter of six weeks....
People spout the saying all the time that things can change in a moment...
But have you ever lived that
Every moment of every day has the potential to alter the very universe ypu live in.
One moment, one decision makes a difference in the fabric of your life...
Some times a new pattern starts
Some times the pattern you have worked on so diligently starts to unravel...
You lose all of the work you have put in..
A new pattern will always start..just not the way you think it will...
What does the fabric look like when its done??
I am never sure that it truly finishes...I mean we are all so interwoven that when your fabric ends someone else's picks up...
While you get to choose who is interwoven into your fabric....you dont get to choose the patterns they create....so their pattern interwoven with your may clash...may make everything chaotic.....or it may compliment the pattern that is already being woven....

Day one

I was laying on my back on an unfamiliar bed last night staring at the ceiling...
Contemplating my day...
Travel was early but easy..
Hubby drove to the airport...
Reminding me if I needed anything to tezt or call...
Walking out of the airport at my final destination...
Seeing her with no hair but her huge smile made me happy....and kinda sad....
Talking...all day...around the table...
Just like old times...but oddly not...
We talked about everything but cancer....
Which I expected...
When the subject was brought up someone else sitting at the table would change the subject...
We finally got some alone time...
It took a few minutes for her to open up....
She did open up just a bit....and it broke my heart just a bit...
She is hopeful this will all go away with these treatments...
She knows that it may not but is choosing the positive...which is good.
Today brings a doctors appointment...we will see....

Tired

It has been a very long week..
Performance reviews for the first time.  It was an interesting week...
I am also getting ready for my trip to Pittsburgh.   I am worried, nervous and a little bit terrified.  It will be okay I am sure of it...but...there have been some emotions that have snuck in this week that I need to be able to put aside until I get home..
I am worried that I wont be able to help..
I am worried that I won't be able to keep it together..
I am worried that it will be different...
Every moment thinking that it might be the last....
Every moment wondering if it is enough.
I know that getting on a plane to come home will be one of the hardest things to do....
It is okay that it will be emotional...and like it or not I have been there so hopefully it will at least be someone who kinda understands....
I am most worried that it will be the last time. .
Push it all away
Lock it up
Leave the key to that box here when I go...
I know it will be okay...
I know that it is what she needs...
I know I will find the strength.
But it would be a lie if I didnt recognize that I am worried....
A piece of my heart and soul belongs to her....it has since for twenty five years...
I just hope that its enough to give her the strength she needs..
I just hope that in a week I can make sure she has a shoulder to lean on...an ear to bend and an understanding of how much she means to me...

MIA

Has it really been two months since I last posted??? Time flies when you are....well, time just flies. 
I am not sure if anyone out there is even reading anymore...but just in case..
Things have just been crazy as normally happens during the summer.
Work is good.  Making some positive changes and people seem to be happy with what I am doing.  I will take it.
Hubby is good.  Mason stuff has wound down for the summer...so we see each other before eleven pm.  Always a good thing..
I went to Pittsburgh at the end of may and had an awesome time.  Got to see a bunch of friends and hang out.  I am heading back there in ten days for not so happy reasons.  My best friend was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. ..she is in the middle of chemo now..so going down to see what kind of support I can provide.  Not so good.

My parents were up for the fourth of july for a few days...it was awesome to see them.  Always nice to have them in my space.

Other than that, nothing wild and crazy....hope that your corners of the universe are good and that you are all enjoying the summer (or winter depending)...hugs to you all

Mothers day

I think of you often....
Today is always the worst though...
Some holiday I dont get to celebrate because I am not holding you..
Some club that I cant be a member of because it wasn't meant to be.
Most days....I know there was some reason that I will never understand..
Most days I can hope for some other place where you are looking down and be secure in that knowledge...
Today...on a day when we celebrate mothers....I wonder
I wonder if you would have blue eyes and blond hair or if ypu have your daddy's dark features...
I wonder if you would have slept through the night or if we could have cherished late night snuggles...
I wonder if you would be getting ready for your first dance recital or if we would be playing baseball..
I wonder what your nickname would be or how your smile would have lit up the room.
I wonder how your laugh would have sounded....
How tightly you would have hugged...
How would you get along with your cousins who bring so many smiles to my face and how would you have pronounced your aunts name...
Would you sing silly songs at bed time...or love to splash in the bath...
I wonder about the look on your daddy's face when you cling to him when you fall down..
Most of all...today and most days...I wonder what it would be like to hear you call me mommy.

Spring time??

I think we can officially say that spring is here... and thank goodness for that... The snow is melting...with the side effect of two feet of water in the basement.... The furnace isn't working cause it was under water...but at least it's not 20 degrees out... Hopefully we will get that sorted this week.. Work is good.... One of my people told me the other day that I was doing a good job....so that was unexpected and quite fantastic to here... Life at home is good... just booked my annual trip to Pittsburgh...can't wait to spend some time with some people that are necessary for me to see at this point in my life.. Another year older this week....which is a little crazy...but not too bad...I am taking friday off for some me time...I can't wait....Hopefully that will include a massage and maybe even a pedicure.. I have been tangling and finally finished a bag that I have been working on... All in all it's been a good couple of weeks..crazy busy at work and at home...but good crazy.. Hope all is well in your corners of the world!! Sending hugs and lots of love!