Almost a full year...

With no post...
so much has happened...
and yet so much remains the same...
This blog is still here...
is anyone still reading?
I wonder sometimes....
With the advent of so much becoming mobile in my life and my phone replacing the computer when I get home at night and not a good app to write posts this blog has become a distant memory...
except at 3am...
I write amazing posts at 3am...
full of deep thoughts
full of amazing musings
full of what I consider witty observances of life's daily occurrences...
that then get lost in the few hours of sleep I manage to get before the daily grind of work again...
not much has changed...
except for everything...
Smiles come...
Smiles fade...
keep trying to make sense of everything...

Merry Christmas

Lots of thoughts, emotions and feelings swirling on this eve of Christmas...
It was a great day spent with our Bangor family...
Lots of laughter, a few tears, presents, board games and snuggles today..
I am here, briefly, to send you all wishes of love, laughter, peace and happiness today, tomorrow and always from my corner of the world to yours...

It takes things away

The last few weeks have been rough...
Treatment has been progressing at a snails pace...
Food holds no more taste
Choking it down simply because I have to continue to feed myself...
Throwing it up every night...
Starts around 10 pm lasts until about 430...
Sleeping for a few hours...
Work is keeping me sane...for the most part...
I feel like this disease is slowly taking everything away from me..
First my hair..
Then the taste for food
Tons of drs appointments
Vials of blood every week
My ability to think straight half the time is in question....
Chemo brain is truly a real condition....post it notes are my best friend..
My weekends are no longer my own...sleeping half the day away and the grocery store is a task that can sometimes seem insurmountable. ..
Unable to enjoy the fairs this year...because being out in public is frowned upon...
Everything tastes like battery acid...
This weekend...I got angry..this weekend this stupid, disgusting disease took something away that I will never get back...
I couldn't be there for my best friend when she needed me because I can't get on a damn airplane...
She totally understood...
But my heart hurts...
My brain logically says that I cant...and that it is okay..
My heart is ripped into a million pieces...
This stupid disease took her mother in law in less than a month....and I couldn't be there to honor her...to help my best friend, my soul sister when she needed me.
This disease steals so much....but this weekend...it shattered my heart....because it took someone so important to people who I love and it prevented me from being there to support them.
#cancersucks

Just getting through

I am here...
I am okay..
34 treatments left in this round...
A couple of inspirations that I look at every day..
I promise a full post soon..
Hugs and love!

Whispers..

I heard you...and I thank you for being close today..
Everyone someone asked..how did yesterday go...
You whispered...take a deep breath...they ask because they care..
When their unending optimism came out with...this will be it...you will get good news..
You whispered...take a deep breath...they say it because they don't want to watch you go through this anymore..
When I avoided the subject and they brought it up again
You whispered...take a deep breath..they just want to make sure that you know you can talk to them...
When I went into the bathroom and surrendered to the tears..
You whispered...take a deep breath...take a moment...and then get back out there and make them see you are okay.
When I saw people who were in from out of town and noticed his look of confusion and then when understanding dawned and he didn't know what to say
You whispered...take a deep breath and say what he needs to here you say.
When more bad news from Pittsburgh presented itself and I sat on the couch, with tears rolling down my face..
You whispered...take a deep breath...
You whispered..it's ok to feel like this..
You whispered...find the strength I am giving you and let her know that it will be okay..
Tonight, as I get ready to close my eyes for a few precious hours of sleep...I whisper, please...I need you.  I whisper...I want to push back the thin veil that separates us and feel your reassuring hug and never let go.  To feel your strength and support.
You whisper to me...I am here and I will always be.  Take a deep breath child and let me help you.  Take my strength that I give to you and walk your path. 
You whisper to me...I don't know where the path goes but i know you aren't walking it alone.  We are all here, walking beside you, picking you up, supporting you.  When your strength fails you, I will give you more...and I will always be here..
I say out loud to you...thank you to my angels for giving me strength to fight this fight...even when I am not sure I can..
You whisper...just breath darling....I love you.

This week

Honestly this week has kicked my ass.
I expected to feel better, being done with treatment..but I didn't
I was doing too much...trying to keep up.
I was getting in my own way...forced to eat because of low blood counts...but throwing up almost as fast as I was eating.
I look like I am shooting drugs...
The vampires were fed well this week with all of the blood work I have had done.
Trying to do it all...but failing miserably because I couldn't get out of my own way.
It was a rough one....topped with an epic meltdown because plans change.
I have to admit something...I am a bit of a control freak...
And having no control is killing me.
Asking for help or time is not my strong suit and I need it.  Desperately.
I can't do it all...and when I get that look that it is okay...
Or have someone tell me that I am trying to do to much makes me want to punch something...
It isn't an excuse...but my super woman cape...that I refuse to take off...is failing me right now.
I am in the fight of my life and you would think I would cut myself some slack...
Knowing that no one is especting me to move moutains...or even expecting me to do anything but simply fight is killing me.....
Cause you know what...it really isn't everyone else I am afraid of disappointing or letting down...it is myself.
No one has any expectations of me right now...just me...
And I am not meeting them.
I don't know how to not fix it..
I don't know how to slow down...
I don't know how to give myself time and space...
And right now...it is a lesson that I need to learn and I am failing...miserably at this one.

In the blink of an eye

In the blink of an eye, everything changes.
One moment in time, even though you think you are prepared, your world shatters for a second time.
Staring, dumbfounded, hearing those words....brain tumor...back...growing..
A million thoughts swirl, coherent sentences refuse to form.
You know, you should be listening....asking questions...and you hear the Charlie brown teacher...and lots of blah blah blah.
Because, you see, that isn't the way it is supposed to happen.
The walls are down...still being rebuilt from everything else that went on...it has only been a month since you went from fighting next to your husband through radiation treatments, second opinions, doctors consultations until finally, the treatments are  finished and you wait to hear whether or not they worked. Knowing that you don't have those answers yet, not knowing what that future holds.
And all of a sudden, the other shoe drops.
Those headaches you have been ignoring for months...
That random pain that you pushed through so that you could be there for him...
The sleepless nights, the medication changes, the nausea.
It was just supposed to be stress.
It was your body's way of reacting to feeling utterly helpless.
Maybe we should do scans...
How many times did people, loved ones, coworkers who know your history say that...
How many times did I wonder out loud to the doctor to be told it is just stress.
Finally relenting, because that fight was paused for a little while and nothing was working....nothing made the headache go away..
When you said the number...58 days..the doctor sat up and took notice...said ok..let's just be safe..
Lying there...perfectly still...with a.million thoughts going through my head.
It will be ok...
Be there done that..
And really karma can't be that unfair...
After everything with hubby..
After a cancer diagnosis and contiuing treatments with best friend...
It just can't happen...it just can't be..
And then it did.
All of a sudden, I am right back where I was years ago.
Facing the same thoughts
Facing a diagnosis
Facing a treatment plan that means poisoning your body and hoping it kills the bad things before it destroys everything else.
How do you say the words out loud...knowing you are breaking the hearts of those who love you..
How was I going make this okay....tell everyone I love it would be okay...when I didn't know it would be....when I didn't know where I would find the strength to fight..
Emotionally, I was still in pieces from everything with hubby...
Mentally, I didn't have a reserve of strength to pull from.. .I had used it all...my well was bone dry.
Talking about it was surreal..
I couldn't believe when I told my mom that I was saying the words again....that this was really happening...
It was a nightmare...and I wasn't waking up...it wasn't fading with the sun..
Six weeks...to start.
A handful of pills...Monday through friday.
No, the side effects aren't any less.
Iron counts are low
Red blood cell counts are on the very edge of being low.
28 treatments out of thirty done.
Endless nights on the bathroom floor
Weird shooting pain all over
Protein bars, six pretzels and juice...everyday..
Because that is all that will stay down...
Three am demons that visit...
Thoughts of mortality that swirl around.
The completely overwhelming desire to yell, scream and cry...which happens...at three am when no one else is around to see it.
The wall wasn't rebuilt..
And now..
Well, now it has been obliterated..
I can't even find a brick to start rebuilding it...
Emotionally raw...physically exhausted
But if you ask, I am just fine...because it scares the hell out of me to say anything else.
I am surrounded by amazing people in my  life...people who love me, who care about me and who will do anything I need...they all want to fix it...they all want to make it better...and they can't.  
I have to be strong...
I have to be positive..
I have to not give into the demons because they are unforgiving when they invade your mind..
But I am tired..
Tired of being strong..
Tired of smiling...
Tired of being "fine"
I needed to write.
I need to know that there is one place that I don't have to be fine.
It isn't going to be pretty...
It isn't going to be smiles...
My emotions need to come out...the good, the bad and the ugly...this is my safe place...the place that isn't invaded by someone I need to see when I wake up in the morning...when I go to work or the grocery store.
There are amazingly good things and people in my life...they will be documented too...so I can look at them and reread them.
But I need to be true to the other side.  The one I don't show often to people...because that is the reality of this disease...the reality of life at the moment..
It is my journey....one i wish i wasn't on...but we don't  always get to choose our paths...the only thing we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other...one day...one hour..one minute at a time...and hope that you make it out the other side in one piece.